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How Do I Tell Him I Don't Want a Relationship?

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  • #107055
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I’ve only had a few relationships in my life so far. Given that it hasn’t been that long of a life and that I started off without any solid role models of how a functional relationship should be, I been through less than a handful of highly interesting but not very functional relationships. Now things are changing as I continue to learn and grow.

    One of the biggest ways I’ve been growing in the last couple of weeks is challenging a lot of the old assumptions about myself and how I interact with the world. Previously I had always considered myself lucky if a guy even spoke to me or let alone liked me. This carried over into relationships where I made many assumptions:

    1. That I wasn’t good enough mentally, physically, etc.
    2. That I should always be careful not to do or say something that would make them dislike me.
    3. That no matter what I did, I would always end up annoying them any way.
    4. That I had to control every aspect of the relationship in order to keep my other half focused on me.

    And the list goes on. But the main theme of it was that I didn’t think I was good enough and as a consequence I gave away a lot of myself in each relationship I encountered.

    It never occurred to me that I had a choice. That just because someone shows interest in me, doesn’t mean I have to even consider them as a mate if I don’t want to. Now, after a lot of soul searching and challenges, I understand that I am good enough and I’m ready to move forward with a new outlook on the dating game (among other new outlooks :)).

    Which leads me to my actual question: I’ve been semi-seeing this guy for about two months. I met him just before I moved 800 miles away and just after I ended a very long turbulent relationship. He’s very nice and keeps up the communication for the most part which surprised me after we had both said we don’t like or want long distance relationships.He’s just not what I’m looking for right now. I quite honestly just want to be single. He wants to come visit and we made tentative plans but I really want to tell him before he decides to drive 1,600 miles not to expect a relationship to come out of this. I think he wants more out of this than me.

    How do I tell him, in the nicest way possible, not to come visit?

    #107067
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    Congratulations for your realizations. I am glad you got where you are, appreciating your worth and respecting yourself, as you deserve to be respected!

    You can tell him something like “(You) are very nice… (You) are just not what I am looking for right now. Quite honestly just want to be single… I want to tell (you) before (you) decide to drive 1,600 miles, not to expect a relationship to come out of this. I think (you want more out of this than me.”

    This is a quote from what you posted so it would be so very honest and what a precious gift it would be for him, your honesty. How refreshing in the dating world. Correction: how refreshing, period.

    anita

    #107106
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Thanks Anita 🙂

    #107120
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Maria. Post anytime.
    anita

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