Thanks for your help guys, this is such a hard time for me, I appreciate your support.

I’ve decided to give myself some time to make sure I am certain in my decisions. I do not want to flush away what we have on a whim so will give it a month and see where I’m at then.

My mother and sister think it would be a good idea for me to speak to my mother in law about this and hopefully try to get some insight as to why my wife is so anti-child. However I am not so sure. My mother in law has no idea that her daughter doesn’t want children so I don’t think she would have much input. I also see no good coming of it and it could end up worse than if I’d just opened up to my wife originally.

That’s a good question about triggers and what started this. Well a week before Christmas my wife started this thought process by having a minor breakdown over it. But that just put the subject in my mind. What really kicked it off for me was more complex.

A friend of mine visited our home and was telling me about his job. He’s in the military and though he’s in a supporting role his job sounds very interesting. It sounded interesting and as I don’t like my current job and have had some real bad luck career wise I figured ‘you know what why not have a go at his line of work’.

I floated this past my wife who said she would leave me if I did. She stated the danger, the distance and long tours as her reasons. I get that but I thought that why not as we have no kids or commitments and my wife hates her job too. Why not join up and have some adventure, travel a little with the job (I am aware it’s not a holiday fyi, but I figured what’s to lose). My wife point blank said no just at the idea of me joining, in never told her about the rest of my pipe dream. I get that it is difficult being apart, or that it is difficult to move aways but what do we have to lose? Why not take a chance?

This got me thinking about stuff we said we wanted years ago. The plan was to move to Canada, do what we have to do but to get over there. We said we’d do it for years and I would have but my wife always had a different reason it was a bad idea. It was always too risky for her, now it’s off the table entirely but I never had a say in when that dream died, it just became clear that there was never going to be a right time for her. But life is messy and maybe her dream changed, a disappointment but not a huge deal. My dream was Canada with her, without her it wasn’t so appealing.

Then I thought of the kids stuff. I thought we wanted Canada, that didn’t happen. Now with the kids stuff she says she doesn’t want that either. Now the military thing is a massive thing to jump on her so by no means did I expect her to be enthusiastic about it, it was a semi serious musing. But it made me think if she can state ‘if you do this I’m out of here’ about a job why can’t I do the same thing about having children? I had never considered not changing her mind about kids but when she stated what would be a deal breaker for her it made me think what is a deal breaker for me?

By no means would I say any such thing out of spite, neither did my wife. She was merely stating that her idea of being a wife did not involve long periods of time separated and that she wouldn’t stand for that. But likewise my idea of my life as a husband involves children. Other than safety her argument is that me leaving for the military now would be changing a core dynamic of our relationship after we had already established it, it was not what she signed up for so to speak. But in the same vein not having children was not part of our initial agreement so likewise I feel cheated, hurt and confused.

This in a roundabout way is what triggered these thoughts I am now having. At first I just thought would not having kids be a deal breaker. Then I wrote down why i wanted kids, what I wanted from that and what not having that would mean.

I want to teach my kids like my grandfather taught me (didn’t have much to do with my dad, long story). I want to show them hunting and fishing. I want to show them how to play pool and play video games and d&d with them. I see my nephews and neice now and though they love me as their fun uncle (I take pride that though they each have two uncles I am the favourite of all of them) they obviously don’t see me as even close to how they idolise their fathers. I want that.  I struggle to understand why others don’t want that. I get that the times listed above are interspersed between long periods of changing nappies and tantrums but it’s gotta be worth it, most people do it, many of them more than once.

Then I got thinking about time frames, when did I actually see myself having kids? It was always a ‘not yet’ thing, something in the future but actually when I began thinking on it 31 is getting close to crunch time for me.

This path then lead me here. Do I wait a while longer and hope the love of my life changes her mind again or do I decide enough is enough and put my line in the sand? I haven’t considered a life without this woman but I also haven’t considered a life without kids either. Logic tells me it is better for both of us to call it a day but my love for her tells me to ensure that she isn’t just scared. I don’t necessarily want tot’convince’ her to have kids, ii just need to make sure that she isn’t throwing this all away due to fear.  It all so very confusing and so very final. :/

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by BB.

I fully appreciate her rights to choose what she wants. I do not wish to change her mind, I wish to understand her reasons for not wanting children, if she wants children but is just scared then I will discuss that with her but if not then I can accept that. She has a history of taking great pains to avoid discomfort so I am being careful here, not to mention I do not intend on leaving my wife without a fight.

I asked her why she doesn’t want kids and she cited the discomfort of pregnancy the pain of birth, the financial burden and the loss of freedom, not to mention any complications exacerbating any and all of those points. She has had no trauma that she or her family have told me about or alluded to. Her mother is a very intelligent and caring woman, very successful and has raised 3 children including my wife. Both of my wife’s siblings are around 10 years older than my wife and both are relatively successful, both have families of their own. As for how my wife was raised the only criticism I could aim at my mother in law (and her husband of course) is that my wife spent a lot of time with babysitters as her mother worked through her childhood whereas she left work to raise the other two. My wife was a surprise baby.

My wife says her childhood was fun, she took part in many activities and never wanted for anything. By all accounts her childhood was good and by many standards free of any trauma other than their dog dying. They travelled Europe often in their camper van and had fun, she enjoyed school and so on. I will say at some point and due to no reason I can pinpoint my wife became shy but she has no idea why.

She does not seem to talk to her mother the same way I do mine. They talk and care for each other but it is like my wife is private even with her mum whereas I say literally anything and everything to mine. Anytime her parents ask us when we are having kids I say my wife doesn’t want them but my wife always tells me to shut up like its a huge secret. I have no idea why she has this kind of divide either, I have asked she just says its the way she is.

Ben

Hi guys, so I was intending on having the talk with my wife yesterday, I chickened out.

But I had a free day today so had a chance to talk to another counselor who helped me out.

My plan is to have this talk tomorrow. I am going to ask her to think this over, to talk to a counselor and to get back to me with an answer when she’s ready. If not having children is a matter of preference then that’s fine I respect it but I also have a right to walk away in that case, as hard as it would no doubt be for both us.

If she is scared I hope to encourage her to explore why and see if we can alleviate those concerns. My counselor explained that maybe she has been living in a state of fear but if that’s the case this fear is now bleeding out and is influencing the relationship and me too which is not ok.

My biggest worry is that this is a conscious choice and that we won’t be able to work this out. I respect that it is her body and would never dream of telling her what to do with it. However not having children affects me too and if she insists on this choice regardless of my feelings as to how this affects me I think that would be very bad for our marriage. I hope to god it doesn’t get to that, I do not want to lose the love of my life. I’m very worried. I actually had a breakdown at work yesterday I think they all think I’m going crazy. I really need to sort this out, I don’t know how long I can keep this under control.

Thanks for your help on here guys. It really has helped me process this. I hope my marriage can get through this.

Hi guys, I took a leap and broached the subject to my wife. I intended on giving her time to get back to me but she actually stuck to her guns and insisted that she didn’t want kids. She even told me that she’d known she didn’t want kids even before we met and just didn’t say anything and hoped that she would eventually get the itch and change her mind but she never has.

She is distraught and cried her eyes out, she accused me of lying to her that I’d told her she was enough for me that I didn’t need kids which I do not recall ever saying. She is walking around now like she is shell shocked. I didn’t actually cry that much, I feel in a daze, nothing feels real.

She did agree to going to counseling though and since this went way too fast for me, way beyond what I anticipated I have called a number of counselors to get an appointment tomorrow.

I don’t know what to expect, what’s going to happen. I feel like I’ve pushed my marriage over the edge and now we’re free falling.