Dear Anita,

I have never felt imbalance during my life as am feeling it right now, I really feal shocked!

And some how I feel more sorry for him than I felt before, I feel sorry for him that he did not see his own lie, he did nor relaize he is hurting him self as much as he is hurting others, I feel sorry for him for he had became what he had feared when he was a child, I feel sorry for him that I can not even tell him that.
The more I reliable how they have hurt me, the more I feel sorry for them, it’s had to cope with that, feeling sorry for him not being able to realize how wrong he is, I feel sorry for them that they did not understand that in their attempts to stop his abuse to me, they actually helped him more to abuse me, I feel sorry for them that when the gave me money or gifts they shared in the act of abuse, and they thought they were trying to put it right, and they do not even see it.

How can you feel sorry for some one pulacing you at gun point, and that he can not see the Hyena tracking him from behind and that he is just about to get bitten on the neck. If only he can see it, we could have stood together and fight it?!

I now can understand why my mom would not stop crying when praying, even if she does not know it, she thinks she is crying and praying for me, while she should be crying for her self for forgiveness that she shard too in the abuse, I hoe she relishes that!

yes I have no aprove, that he is regretting it, but I wish he is, for his own sake, I wish he would ask for forgiveness not from me, or for me, for himself and from himself. I wish he could relive it for his own sake, I cannot ask anything from him, nor I ever remembered that I did, nor that I am willing to!

Now, am sure she did not scrfacie anything for us or for me, and even if she did, she took it back and much much more, am not regretting it, I never regret giving, I just feel sorry that someone does not realize the value of giving, realize the gift he has in his hands and before destroying it.

You were right, I was the perfect victim, I was have been all my life till now, I was the perfect victim for seeing I deserve it, I was the perfect victim for accepting their gifts and making them feel good about them, I was the perfect victim that I had not even need chains or walls to stay in my prison, I was the perfect victim in my desprate attempts to make them feel better and showing them am good enough for them, I was the perfect victim for not even doubting that logic, I was the perfect victim for not questioning their values and supporting it, I was the perfect victim for for not seeing my soft as a victim!

Thank you Anita for waking me up after all that years, thank you for showing me how hypocrite and demeaning I was being to myself, and am sorry that I have Dircted that towards you, I was feeling it and not knowing it, denying, and when I saw it in others, the truth that is as clear as the sun, it hurts too much you can not open your eyes, you were living in the dark for too much long, and again am sorry for trying to put off your light, thank you for baring with me without even showing it to me, thank you for making me realizing that am now hurting my self as much they did, and I slo have no right to do that.

Xaas,

Dear Anita,

Yes it is very sad and I could not stop crying while writing it, but it made me think about something that have rattled my head for years, and it is related to the religion of Islam, but please bare with me as this was very critical point in my thinking towards abuse, and the use of releigion to make an excuse for abuse, please bare with me here as this is not about religion as it is about the man who I my thinkings held the respect and appreciation of more nonmuslims comparing to Muslims, this man is prophet Mohamed. In Islamic religion since there are two major sources, which are the Quran the book of Islam, and the teachings of prophet Mohamed which are represented in a leagacy oh habits and sayings.
You might say this is too complicated or meaningless but it held a great affect to me, I can not say I was a Muslim by choice, rather than by blood. But when ever I would read about God or his prophets I was always convinced that this is righteous, but I have always wondered about this saying of prophet Mohamed, that was related to prayer and when we should ask our children to pray, and at what age we should start to teach them to pray.

I have to go to attack another point here which without I cannot explain what am saying, again bare with me please, the Arabic language is one of the richest languages in the world, and I have considered it to, and Arabs at the era when Islam appeared were very expert in the Arabic language, that the knowledge of someone with it is something that every body cherish and admire, I can tell that the leagacy of litruture in the Arabic language, would need multiple life’s to add it to your life time, in order to collect and understand that legacy, in my sence of acknowledgement, it is one of that most languages that are rich in meaninging, in a sence that one word could have more than one meaning depending on the way you pronounce it, the context, the drvitive of that word, and many other, let’s take an example here, and yes we are so close to the conclusion, this word in Arabic is “ضرب” pronounced as “darb”, in origin this word means the movement of one object form point “a” to point “b”, for example if you add road to it, it would mean that you are traveling the road from one point to another, if you add with gun to it, it means you are firing a bullet using a gun that is moving from where you stand to the point you are aiming to. Currently, in slang Arabic it means beating some one, the word just lost its meaning like that!

So this saying of prophet Mohamed is, that you should teach your children to pray at 7, and you “ضرب” or “drab” them at ten.
I had wondered too much at this message, is prophet Mohamed saying that it is ok to hit our children, and that we should hit them at the age of ten to do it, and as much as it is devastating, this is the commen knowldge now, to me this made no sense, I never believed it, and I was never been hit to pray, but I was been hit for other stuff and once for fun!
How much can this confuse me, until this morning when I searched deep, for that very reasonable meaning.
I have to go again to Arabic language here, the word “ضرب” or “drab” was never used by Arab as a action of hitting some one unless you add a description of using a tool of hitting after it, like if you add with/by hand, it means you hit by the hand, and if you add with/by sword, it will be meaning being hit by a saword, it means that you will use this tool and move it from one point in the dricetion to another intended point, that how actually hitting happens, you move your hand from one point to another which is the place you intend to hit. It is very logic.

Back again to the saying, we are talking about prayer here, and in the next part prophet Mohamed says that you “ضرب” or “darb” your children for prayer at the age of ten, which means that take your children from one place to another to pray, which is a mosque, it does not mean to hit your children to pray, you have to use something to hit, and there is no any meaning in this saying that held the intention of using something like in English the word “with/by” or in Arabic the letter “ب”, and it even have a greater meaning, that you should not take your children to mosque, coz they are children and would not understand that, and should just enjoy their childhood. And that at the age of 10 you are beginning to form adulthood.

this is a great message for the Muslims who thinks that they are eligible to hit there children for prayer, which I have never heard or seen a kid being hit to pray, sure it is happining, but it is the major execuse that any Muslim would take to accept him self hitting his children.

We have just lost our religion when we lost our language. Which is a more important message for all humanity, is that the ignorance in the feed for abuse!

I know that this might not interest you as much, but it really had a great meaning to me today, and I had just had to explain to my niece the meaning of this word, she just turned ten, and her dad just told her that saying on her birthday so she prays, he was saying it with a sence of humor, he did not hit his doughter to pray, but he was making it clear that he has the right to do it if she did not pray, you can not see how much her face just brightened and it really did when she understood the meaning of that word.
I have sent the link that I found explaining in proof all that, to my sis and I’ll make sure her husband gets the message, but I need to be careful with that, it is not easy to tell some one that what you have been told for decades is not true!

I guess you will understand me here, I actually do not pray, and this saying had put me off praying for long time, I just could not do something under threat, am too hardheaded 🙂

Hope that this would mean something for you, it is a very big deal to me!

Xaas,

Dear Anita,

Yes please, this is my approach to make other understand the issue, I have to perfect it as a methadology, I’ll be the master of it!

Xaas,

Hi Anitta,

I defiantly have all the ambition to educate more people about the meaning of DARB.
I just came home and will go out again now, I will attend to the rest of your posts tonight, i just had to tell that I Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…….infinity!

Love, Ziad! by the way that is my real name 🙂

Hi Anita,

I somehow cannot get the last line in your last post.
Am still out and using my mobile.

Ziad,