How important love is?

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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February 18, 2017 at 2:34 am #128181
Lajla
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Hello everyone 🙂 I have this decision to make, whether I’ll stay in my country or I’ll leave abroad. It’s a matter of studying, since I want to be psychotherapist. Before I become psychotherapist, I have to finish something like psychology. But, three months ago, I’ve met him… We fell in love, and now, I don’t know what to do. My parents are pressuring me to go abroad, because it’s most likely I’ll have job there, and my heart is telling me to stay here and finish that college here. By staying here, I could also be with him…and I have to tell you, he’s not some ordinary guy…we just fit almost perfectly. If I go abroad, I don’t know could he come after me, and I would not want to lose him. If I stay here and finish college, it a real question will I have job at all… My mother is telling me that falling like that for someone is so lame, and that I should go and see the world and everything… Sometimes I feel inadequate that I love him that way. It’s not that I can’t live without him…I know I can live without anyone…it’s that I don’t want to live without him. My family is telling me I’m making a huge mistake by staying here; but going abroad – I just don’t feel like it. I don’t know is it because I love him or…and I also know that no relationship has a guarantee. I honestly don’t know what to do. Love is important to me, and I don’t know how anyone can expect to have love by acting like it’s not a priority in life. But also, I would like to have a job. Any advice?
- This topic was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Lajla.
February 18, 2017 at 3:01 am #128185

Nina Sakura
Participant

If it’s truly meant to be, it will work out whether you stay at home or go overseas. And he will be mature enough to support you through your goals and dreams.

February 18, 2017 at 5:32 am #128195

Inky
Participant

Hi lajlachicha,

I had almost the exact same problem 20 years ago (The guy/family or grad school). I talked to our town’s minister and he said something very wise. He said, “Life is long. There is time to do both in your life.” I chose the guy (now my husband) and will do my graduate studies when our last child is in college, with lots of travelling afterwards. Sure, it’s out of order, perhaps, but the reverse is also true. If you pursue going abroad, if he is The One, it shouldn’t be a problem. But also remember The World isn’t going anywhere LOL! It will be waiting for you once you finish school as well!

Good Luck!

Inky

February 18, 2017 at 8:50 am #128209

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lajlachicha:

Your parents are only looking at part of the picture: if you study abroad you will have a much better chance of finding a job afterwards than if you study locally. This is all they see and it makes sense, if this is all you see.

But there is more to the picture that should be seen: you are in love with a man. If you go abroad because of your parents’ pressure, and the relationship with this man does not survive the long distance, you may believe that it is your parents that took away from you the love-of-your-life. As a result you may resent them for a long, long time, maybe for the rest of their lives. Do they consider this and willing to risk this possibility?

If you go abroad, you might miss the man so much that you will suffer and your studies and future career will suffer.

On paper, dry logic, it makes sense that you go abroad, but life doesn’t accommodate dry logic. Emotions have to be taken into serious consideration.

anita

February 18, 2017 at 10:22 pm #128285

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hey,

I wanted to elaborate the previous post a bit more.

See here is the thing-

1) Your profession as a psychotherapist and better job opportunities abroad

2) Falling in love 3 months ago

3) Experiencing things outside your comfort zone.

Truth be said, it’s only been 3 months. You need to know this person better. One way is to stay back and date him. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. However there is no 100% guarantee.

Similarly, if you leave home and enter a long distance relationship, you will face challenges early on, see the world and also develop professionally.

Whether the relationship works or not is something we can’t be sure in both cases.

The only advantage of second case is you will have more life experience and job opportunities at hand.

You are already thinking like if he will follow you or not, what will he do – if the love is so strong, he will follow you to any damn corner of the earth and support you through thick and thin.

A friend of mine recently married a guy she had been dating for last 7 years. He had left the country for studies and work and they stayed together. Before he left, they dated in person for a few months only. It was hard no doubt but they really wanted to be together. They both have established themselves and are keen on raising a family now.

Everyone has a different story though. See the variety in the last 2 posts only.

Have you ever questioned your family’s wishes towards you? For someone to become part of your family in the future, you need to be sure if they are indeed a good fit. This doesn’t mean seeing them as you want to see them. It means seeing them when the going gets tough.

Say he had better options outside, would you stop him because of your own insecurities or would you want him to be happy, have his dream job?

In the end, whatever you do, please do it taking into consideration what you actually want. Don’t do it because you are doutful whether he will stay or leave.

Really ask yourself what you want and whether you are willing to face the consequences that come.

Regards
Nina

February 19, 2017 at 10:29 am #128317
Lajla
Participant
Thank you all for your comments 🙂 He’s not against me going abroad, he wants all the best for me and gives me all of the space to thrive as a person, but I’m wondering, why. Why would I go somewhere, just because of the job… Is it really all about the goal, or should we look also on the path? Yes, it would be slightly better for me to go abroad when we talk about career. But by staying here, I can also finish that college and education for therapist. It is unsure will I have the job with my profession…but even if I don’t – I’ll find something. Maybe if I don’t find job here, I can go later and find a job in other country… I don’t know what life will offer to me. I’m saying, I want to have nice days too, not just nice end of the path (nice job). And here is the thing, when I imagine I’m 80 years old, and someone asks me about this decision, I’ll be proud to say I chose love, because he is wonderful. He’s not perfect, he’s not all I want to have in my life, he’s a human being, and he is wonderful. He’s here in college and works also, and he’s not in position for the next 5 years to move anywhere, even if he would, he can’t. Being there 5 years without him…why? I would love to try with him, and maybe afterwards we could go abroad together…who knows. It hard for me to believe that there is just one path to success – me leaving everything and going there. And if I go, and put us both on suffering mode, and it happens we don’t want to do it to each other…I couldn’t forgive myself. My parents believe that there is just that one path to success. I’m not easy-to-fall-in-love girl, I was loner for few years, happy one. But he…I feel he’s the one. I don’t know why God put him in my life in this moment…but He did. Also, even before I had him in my life, I wasn’t so thrilled with ‘going abroad’ idea. I know by logic it’s really…logical thing to do, but when I involve my emotions…something just doesn’t feel right. And it’s not that I think I can’t do it – I know I can…but something doesn’t feel right. I can’t explain this to my parents…they just don’t understand what on earth doesn’t feel right. Also they think it’s all because of him, and I know it’s not. Even if I stay here and that relationship ends, it’s more okay for me, than the whole ‘going abroad’ thing. I understand my parents, I really do, my logic works…but my feelings…my gut is telling me different.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Lajla.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Lajla.
February 19, 2017 at 11:01 am #128325

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hello,

Listen to your gut then. He sounds supportive and that’s important. It seems like you are thinking about overseas because of your parents rather than your own interest. In the end, you know best. Your parents, people here, friends can offer perspective. The choice must be made by you alone. Don’t have regrets. Stay if that makes you happier. Life is too short for regrets anyway 🙂

Regards
Nina

February 19, 2017 at 12:25 pm #128343

Anonymous
Guest

Dear lajlachicha:

Your second post makes it clear to me that the right choice for you is to stay in your country and study there. You are well aware of the different factors in your situation, all angles and you make a lot of sense, rational and emotional. I agree with you that most often, there is not “just one path to success – me leaving everything and going there” This is not even a sure path to success, not at all.

In making the right choice for you, staying in your country, with your boyfriend, studying for the next few years, you will have to deal with your parents who are unreasonably insistent on that “just one path”, being blind to anything but… that “just one path.”

You intend to be a psychotherapist. I studied at the time about the separation–individuation theory of child development. If you are able to make this major decision YOUR OWN, regardless of the disagreement and disapproval of your parents, then you are a separate individual, and you have accomplished this separation-individuation stage of development.

anita
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