Hi there,

This is not really a problem, but I’ve been thinking of something quite a lot lately, and I’m keen to get some different perspectives. I’ve chosen this forum, as the people in it have been super supportive when I spoke about actual problems in the past, and I’ve always found the discussions here very valuable.

I went through a really difficult break up a couple of years ago that took me a long time to get over. I then went through a phase of random, drunken hook ups which numbed the pain for a bit but became more messy after a while. After that I spent quite a bit of time closed off and not interested in anyone. Now, finally, I’m feeling like myself, and am functioning more ‘normally’. I’ve also started to date occasionally.

I’ve met some really nice people – in some cases there was no connection from either side – we had a nice time on the date and moved on. But there have also been a few cases where there is a connection, and we keep in touch and meet again.

That’s where my head takes over. Obviously, I don’t plan out the rest of my life with a person on the first date. But I cant help to just think whether it has the potential to work out – does this guy fit the bAsia things I’d want in someone I could be serious with. And I’ve always managed to find a reason why it won’t work out, then figure there’s no point in spending time with them. I’ve also tried to still hang out with them despite knowing it can’t last, but then it gets complicated if they want things to become more serjoys.

I know there’s no such thing as a perfect guy, but I do believe that certain basics that must match in order for it to work. For example, I find that I can’t be with someone who lacks ambition as I’m very ambitious.

Before now, I’ve only ever been in relationships where there was super attraction and intense feelings from the start – so I never got the chance to ratknalise in the same way I do now. I realised that in those cases, I’d always fall for the same kind of guy and unsurprisingly it would never work out anyway. So I’ve stopped expecting such intense connections and I’m giving time for a connection to grow. But then my mind interferes too much.

I often try to think whether this is just me being scared because this is a very new approach for me, or if i’m right to think this way as after all you can’t be with someone if you’re totally incompatable.

I wonder if any of you have been in a similar position and what you’ve learnt along the way?

Kay