Lily,

I’m sorry for your feeling of distance, and can understand how it can be tough to open our heart when we have been shown how. Sometimes, when affection is shown to us, we startle, stare almost suspiciously. At least, far away, like “what is that exactly, how do I respond? What do I give back?” This normal, and is nothing wrong with you. Its more like armor, that kept you safe during some prickly years. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

My wife struggles with this sometimes, too. She runs her own business, and often continues running, long after the workday is done, stress keeping the horse chugging away, mind “out there”. What we do is: she lays down, and I sit or lay down next to her. Then, I touch her kindly, softly, and we have a talk. I tell her of all the beauty I’ve seen radiating from her, physical, emotional, spiritual… being specific, what I’ve seen. All the while just gently touching her skin, gliding across her.

On her side, she just breathes and listens, feels. Doesn’t worry about trying to feel anything, and just sort of attends what’s there. Just makes a choice to be there with me, and then lets me sing to her.

For both of us, its really refreshing. She doesn’t have to worry about “my stressed day”, we both have those. Even though she’s the “recipient”, its mutually warming, helps us both remember. 🙂

Along the way, when fears come up, just have some courage and offer them for healing. Not as “you need to…” or “you never…” but “I think I’m in need of something, and not quite sure…” His love sounds strong, he wants to be there for you… you just have to speak up so you two can aim. Like getting a back massage, it helps if you speak up about the sore parts, zeroing in.

If you don’t want that with him, or you’re just not ready, that’s fine too. Trust builds best when it is unrushed. If this is the case consider self nurturing instead (or as well). Show Lily that she is loved by offering yourself loving actions, caring for your body and mind. Take a bath, go on a meditation retreat, walk in nature… take some time as a gift to yourself, to relax and unwind, find peace. The path of love is from whispers of the heart, and its tough to hear those whispers if we don’t make space, let our mind calm. My favorite of these is metta meditation. Metta is the warm, friendly feeling in the chest, and helps the mind become smooth, peaceful. This helps us keep the mind calm when it startles. Said differently, perhaps some metta practice (or nurturing in general) will help you find the strength and space to let go of some of the fears, thoughts, and just relax and be there with your boyfriend. Don’t worry about the love… as you build a bridge together, the love flows naturally.

Namaste, sister, may you find your heart filled with love and lily blossoms.

With warmth,
Matt