I used to work full time, but chronical illness has made it hard for me to keep a job. My husband has always been supportive of me, and with his agreement, I finally quit my job about two months ago. Since then, things have been going downhill. It was quite a shock for me to discover then that my busband had no intention of supporting me, at all. I still pay half of our rent from my savings, but he constantly complains that I am not bringing in enough money. To me, that feels very unfair. He only has to pay half the rent and his groceries. He is not spending a penny on me! But he sees our future going down the drain and tells me I’m the reason why he can’t retire early. I understand that the situation is causing him stress too, but before I quit, he said I didn’t have to worry about money and that he would take care of the rent etc for time it would take me to find a new job. And after I quit, he blew up, called me stupid and that I was a leech who is only after his money. He told me he felt betrayed by me, because I quit the job, and that I should have kept working for our future financial security no matter how much pain I was in. He said he would have done the same for me.

On better days, he tells me that of course he didn’t want to see me suffer, but that it was still a very stupid decision on my part and that he refuses to take care of me just because I’m a lazy slob.

I just don’t know how to juggle it all anymore. Finding a job that will not push my physical boundaries will take time, and my savings are not going to last longer than for two months. The job I had didn’t pay well at all. I just took it because my busband expected me to.

Overall, I feel somewhat betrayed by him. He knew before that I am chronically ill and have days where I can’t make it to work or even get out of bed. But he said he’d take care of me and that I didn’t have to worry about money or anything really anymore and that I should just concentrate on getting better and being happy. He actually has a lot of money and could be considered somewhat rich, so I didn’t really question any of what he said.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Merry.

Dear Anita,

It is hard to explain the situation without sounding like a battered housewife, especially since I feel like that lately.

But I’ve known my husband for over 10 years now, and it is only recently, in the past 6 months, that he has changed drastically. Because of this, I am unsure of how to handle our current situation. He is very devoted to me and wants to make me happy. But lately, when he gets stressed, it is like he turns into a different person. He picks fights over small things and only sees the negative side of everything. It’s only when he is so angry that he calls me names and puts me down verbally. He is not reasonable at all when he is angry, and I suspect he is depressed.

We almost broke up last night. He asked for help with the wording of a letter, but immediately felt personally critisized by my suggestions of improvement. I tried to make clear that I am not critisizing him as a person, but be blew up, yelled and threw things around, and then broke down crying, saying that I hurt him too much and that we have to seperate because he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I was in shock, and nearly left, but then managed to get a grip on my feelings and talked him down. Now, there is no more talking about seperating, but we cannot keep going like this.

The false promises hurt me more than anything else, because it feels like he was just trying to sabotage our relationship. If I  had known he would not provide for me, I would have taken a different job and taken care of myself, and I did not expect him to pay for my living expenses. But he offered it anyway, and I trusted him to live up to that promise. I had no reason not to. Now, I know better, but that does not change the current situation because I’m still unemployed and fear he will just get angry again and throw me out of our home.

He wanted to keep our finances seperate from the start, and I did not mind that as I was still working full time then and even making more money than him. Looking back, I understand that he did not trust me with money for reasons I don’t quite get yet, and by quitting my last job, I proved him right that he can’t count on me to provide for myself.

He has issues with people who rely too much on others, I know that now. Now that he is fragile and stressed, he is finally being upfront with me. I just wish I had known that sooner. All of this could have been prevented.

Being married to him makes me unbelivably happy. He is the love of my life, and he feels the same way about me. He makes me smile like no one else can, and he understands me. He listens, and always knows how to make me feel better when I have a bad day. He has been my best friend for more than 10 years now. I didn’t marry him for financial security.

The recent changes in his personality are killing us both slowly.