Dear Maddybee:

You wrote that you find “it difficult to see a future to look forward to”- this is the case when we are “too dependent” on someone else, as you have on your ex boyfriend: it is difficult or impossible to see a future without that person.

It is like a baby deer, a fawn, finding itself abandoned, without its mother: it gets scared because there is not likely to be a future for a baby deer without its mother.

In your case, you don’t physically depend on your ex boyfriend for your physical survival. But does it feel as if you do?

anita

Dear Maddybee:

You wrote about going to him for comfort when you felt down. Emotional comfort is a need, like food. We need to feel comfortable, that is, free of pain and distress. Going back to the baby deer example, turning to a baby human, a baby cries when it feels the distress of hunger, the mother hears and feeds the baby, the distress of hunger goes away and the baby is comfortable again. Or the baby feels the distress of being wet or cold or alone… so it cries, makes noise, let the world know it is uncomfortable.

When you feel pain distress, feeling uncomfortable, you naturally seek comfort, freedom from distress. You used to turn to him for that, but he wasn’t always available, even when you lived together. What did you do when he was not available so to become comfortable?

anita

Dear Maddybee:

If you no longer expect contact with your ex boyfriend, since he has a new girlfriend, I suppose you will not experience the distress of obsessing over your phone, waiting for him to call.

You asked for advice, “how to cope when someone you love moves on”- you move on too. Move on to something else, not to someone else. That something else, for me, is healing and learning.

Do you have anything to heal from? Anything to learn, maybe viewing this past relationship, with this man, maybe there are things yet to learn about yourself and about people?

anita

Dear Maddybee:

I understand not wanting to move on, wanting to be with a particular person.

You wrote that you “have a hard time saying no”- life does say no to us, doesn’t it? Often enough it says no. For example, you say: I don’t want to move on! I want my boyfriend back!

And life says: No! You can’t have your boyfriend back! He has a new girlfriend now.

Everyone has to live with those No- you can’t have this! Or that!

You wrote: “In terms of healing and learning, I definitely need to learn how to be more emotionally independent, how to make myself happy rather than relying on someone else to provide me with happiness.”- to make myself content, it helps to know that no one else will, that it is no one else’s job to make me content. When I stop waiting for someone else, I stop waiting. When I stop waiting I feel content. Like you, no longer waiting for a boyfriend to call you back, isn’t there contentment there, in not waiting?

You wrote: ” Another thing I need to work on is my strength to do what I want and stick with it. I have a hard time saying no and find myself easily influenced, and that applies to guys asking me out, etc.”- would you like to share more about this part, how you find yourself easily influenced and not saying No when it is for your best interest to say No?

anita