Dear Hella:

I hope you are okay with me having the time and the inclination to try to understand better. Well, I re-read once again all your posts, not mine and not other members’ who replied to you, only yours.

You left your country of origin and for five years you lived in a town while attending university if I understand correctly. You and the man this thread is about (I will refer to him as H) are both from the same country of origin and the two of you individually integrated into this one group of friends in this one town. Following the individual integration, the two of you started dating and you became his girlfriend.

Being a part of this friend group, your position in it solidified as H’s girlfriend, meant a whole lot to you, it meant a place where you felt that you belonged, accepted and liked, one of a social unit. It was your Home.

As a result of the relationship with H ending, you lost Home. You feel exiled from home, living away in another city half an hour away, and when you visit the group you feel awkward, H “categorize me as an ‘other’ in front of our friends”, you wrote. Gone is the feeling of one with this social unit. You no longer have a home.

Before you were one of them, now you are the “other”. When you became an “other”, it “literally felt like a rug had been pulled from underneath me when it was over and I was supposed to somehow find myself alone””, you wrote. This is the experience of losing one’s home and finding yourself alone.

The last time you visited your former home, while riding in the train back to your city, “there were nonstop tears.. I have felt SO alone during all this time, and especially the year after he and I broke up”.

You blame H for exiling you from home and you blame the other members of the group for not supporting you in this exile process: “I feel a lot of emotions towards the people that were around during the time that he and I dated and years after, who did absolutely nothing to show support… passive group of people… silently supporting him”.

Exiled from home, you wrote: “It is so uncomfortable for me to be this outcast person that had to  rebuild her life”, and you feel “ostracized by almost the entire city”.

In summary, it reads to me that H and the friend group meant so much to you and you lost it. You want it back but it is not there for you anymore.

I assume this friend group and H in it as the glue that solidified your position in the group meant so much to you because you were very much alone before you met this group and started integrating. Maybe you were that much alone in your country of origin.

The fact that H was from your country of origin meant a lot to you, the genetic-almost bond that solidified the home/ family feeling you had with him and with the group.

anita

Dear Hella:

What a poetic, profound way of saying it: “I am some kind of oddball in  my own family. An oddball needs a support group”- I am so  impressed with how you phrased it!

So you felt like an oddball in your family, and you felt a bit alienated from your friends (“because I had the drive and curiosity to go elsewhere, whereas they mostly talked about it”). In your home town then you felt alienated somewhat and you felt that you were “missing a close-knit community there.

Next you left your hometown and moved to a smaller city five hours away by train. You started our Masters there and you met H. You stayed there for five years. Living here made you “feel a bit high on life”, free to “try new things and live in a different way”

Next, August last year, seven months ago, you moved across the border to another country about 30 minutes away by train. You are not sure whether you should stay where you are or move back to your hometown.

My input at this point: I don’t think it is a good idea that you move back to your hometown. There is a reason, or reasons you left and got high on life elsewhere. You felt unsatisfied in your hometown, alienated before you knew a different experience. Now that you lived a different experience, feeling connected, supported and high-on-life, going back will feel lower than before, more unsatisfactory, is what I think is likely to happen.

Problem is you are unsettled now, unsatisfied again. So you might think why not go back to your hometown-

– But there are other places, your hometown and the city where you live.. and even that town where you spent five years, these are not the only three places in the world that are available for you!

Can you tell me how you were the oddball in your family- that will bring me more understanding. Also, I lived in quite a few places, very different places in the world and I might be able to give you useful information on what place may fit you better.

anita

Dear Hella:

“when I have come back I have felt this strong sense that all the worries I have in regards to this common friend group just disappeared”-

It is often the case that young people are distressed after leaving home, feel nostalgic about their childhood home, go back, experience relief/good feelings, and too soon, the old distress of living in their childhood home returns just like it was before.

“I just worry that I’m running away from things by not being in my hometown”-

-sometimes running away is the thing to do. For example, a deer better run away when chased by a mountain lion.

I wonder if by not running away, by returning to your childhood home (or living close to it, being there often) and hometown, you will be trying to fix and change your relationships with your siblings, and/ or with your parents, and friends, as well as their attitude if/ when you date a woman there?

anita

Dear Hella:

“It’s not a terrible situation in my hometown”- my point is that you don’t go back to a situation that was terrible or just plain bad. If it wasn’t good, better not go back to it.

If you would like to share with me about your relationships with your parents, past and present, please do.

anita