Dear H1978:

What a development! A good development as I see it.

You wrote: “I know I am running away”- as if it was a bad thing, a bad move but this is what you do when you are under threat: you either run away or you fight or you do both… This is what animals do when attacked. It is called “Fight or Flight” – we are designed to do that. There is nothing weak or unreasonable about running away.

It is much more reasonable to run away than to fight…

We are not designed to take abuse and stay. This is not going to be easy but it is the right thing for you to do, to NOT stay in that situation. Either he leaves or you do.. or somehow it has to be that you are safe from his abuse, from his attacks.

Be on YOUR side, take care of yourself. Whenever- in the future- you find yourself feeling sorry for him, switch the sorry feelings and feel sorry for yourself, get on your side, again and again.

Every person that abuses another does it because he or she is suffering. But not every person that suffers abuses another.

My goodness, what a day (or evening, your time…I don’t know)…

Post again, anytime.

anita

Dear H1978:

I am having computer problems, so it is taking my time to connect again and again… and am about to leave for a while, will be back in a few hours. Your thinking is reasonable. You make sense. Indeed you do deserve so much better! His birthday… You are going away for 2-3 weeks… will you have computer access? Will you be in a safe place?

Will be back in a few hours. Take very good care of yourself. This is a very stressful time for you, the leaving. Lots of emotions. Take it as easy as you can-

anita

Dear H1978:

I hope your US family is going to be supportive and if not, at least give you the breathing space and privacy you need, the space you need away from him.

Until then, I sure hope you can be calm… Can he not move out of the house until you leave to the US? so you stay away from each other. It is going to be tough if he is around…

anita

Dear H1978:

I think that your emotional attachment to him was the reason why you didn’t leave him three years ago and it is the same emotional attachment to him that is going to be in your way in leaving him now.

This emotional attachment to him is very powerful… do not underestimate it. It is what makes things “easier said then done.”

Your logic is good but the attachment makes it hard. It will not go away easily, even now. You will have to endure it, to expect it. Sometimes, I think, you will feel confident about doing the right thing, separating. And at other times, you will probably want to be with him again, want it to work out yet again. It is the nature of attachment.

anita

Dear L:

This is you, H1978? Change of username?

Yes, you wrote before that you are planning to fly to the U.S. for a while and you also shared that he doesn’t want to stay elsewhere until you leave because he doesn’t want to spend the money, and that is a problem because you need to not be in the same home as he.

anita

Dear L:

How are you doing then? How are you dealing with living with him under the same roof still while planning to visit the U.S. and start divorce proceedings… or has the plan changed?

Like I wrote to you before, your situation is highly emotional and therefore very difficult. I will not be surprised if thoughts have changed, feelings changed and so did plans. I will not think unwell of you if they had.

Please post again and share, I hope.

anita