Home→Forums→Relationships→How to deal with loneliness and lovesick
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August 18, 2016 at 1:34 am #112731KatyCatParticipant
Dear All,
I just found this site today and comments here are helpful. Compared with other people who shared their problems here, I think that my situation is not that bad. However, I am not a tough girl, so I am very upset still. Maybe you will find my problems minor, but I hope I can get some useful advice from here.
I am 28 soon. I have a supportive family (my parents and my sisters). Because my family and ex-boyfriends treat me like a little girl, I rely on them a lot and this made me not independent and I cannot bear loneliness. I am not independent also because I have a twin sister. We are very close and spend most of our time together. I seldom do anything alone before entering the university.
I have been single for some years. Recently my twin sister is engaged and she is getting married next year. Many people that I knew are also engaged/married. All these made me feel very lonely. I also received pressure from the society and friends that I have to find my Mr. Right. Being single is like doing something wrong. Eventually, I did not like to socialize with others. I like to hide myself… Because of my job nature, my social network is limited. I don’t think I can find the right guy if I do nothing to change. I started using a dating app and there are many guys interesting in me. However, I am particularly interested in one guy, so I paid most of my attention to this guy while ignoring others. We chatted every day and went out for dates. However, we are not boyfriend and girlfriend. Deep down in my heart, I know this guy is not suitable for me and he is like a playboy. But, maybe I am too lonely, I failed to disconnect with him. Recently, I found that this guy is getting close with another girl (maybe they met each other online) and he is going to fly over to Australia to meet this girl. I am heartbroken and so I force myself to leave him… No more contact with him.
I have been crying for this guy for more than a week up to now. Though he and I only knew each other for around 4-5 months, we have been chatting with each other intensively. I have bad experience in past relationships. It is not easy for me to unload the wall in my heart and be so open to a guy. But I have been so open to him and I feel that there are special bonds between us. The one that we have our heart set on does not feel the same way. Bad feeling isn’t it?
When there are other guys (online) show interest in me, I will feel that they are not as good as him. Eventually I became cold to them and I finally delete my account in the dating app. I think this is my problem. I did not even give myself a chance to be friends with others, but reject to have communication. But sometimes, I just don’t want to force myself to do something that I don’t want to do…
My last boyfriend was a liar who suddenly got married with another girl and he only told me until the last minute. Since then, I don’t think I have been happy in my life.. I have a good career. But it seems that no one appreciate my achievement. What they see is that my life is not good because I am single. I feel very frustrated as being single is not something under my control. Besides, many guys who use dating app are simply looking for hook up. This is not something I look for.
I know being single is not as bad as I think. However, I don’t have close friends. I feel upset when no one can share my sadness/happiness. My job is very stressful too, but I have no one to talk with..
I don’t know what I can do to make myself happier.August 18, 2016 at 2:19 am #112733Nina SakuraParticipantHey Katycat,
I am a little curious about this guy on the dating app – what was it about him that attracted you to him over the others? What was it about him that was “so good”? What were your past relationships like? You said your exes treat you like a little girl and the last one cheated. How was the dating guy app similar or different from them according to your perception?
Regards,
NinaAugust 18, 2016 at 2:52 am #112734KatyCatParticipantDear Nina,
I think whether you like a guy or not is just a personal feeling. Sometimes it is hard to explain. But I think he does have some characteristics that I like. He is funny so he can make me laugh a lot. He is also an expressive person. For example, in just a few months, he already sent me hundreds or thousands of pics: what he had for lunch, what he was doing in the office, etc. This made me know him better and I feel like I have known him for a long time. I felt close with him. Besides, while I know some guys who are quite “pussy”, this guy acts like a man all the time. For example, when it rained, he would took off his jacket and put it over my head; when I felt cold, he would make the air-con weak, etc. So in general, I like his manner. However, I know he likes flirting with girls and enjoyed being “loved” by girls. He only remembered me when he is bored. But I cannot complain. He did not promise me anything and we are just friends basically… I am not sure whether he understood why I suddenly disappeared and did not contact with him anymore.. (note: This guy does have some bad characteristics. For example, he is a bit self-centered..etc. But.. you know, when you like a person, you somehow accept his flaw…)
I don’t have lots of relationships before. Just two. The first relationship started when I was 15 and it lasted for 8 years. The guy was older than me and he took great care of me. The second relationship is my last one. This guy and I have similar background and we shared a lot of our problems. If I had problems, he was supportive. I was so sad that he did not tell me that he had another girlfriend.August 18, 2016 at 7:05 am #112739AnonymousGuestDear katycat:
The title of your thread is “How to deal with loneliness…”
In your original post you wrote: ” I have a supportive family (my parents and my sisters)…I have a twin sister. We are very close and spend most of our time together… I don’t have close friends. I feel upset when no one can share my sadness/happiness. My job is very stressful too, but I have no one to talk with..”
I don’t understand: if you have a supportive family and are very close to your twin sister, spending most of your time with her, don’t you share your sadness/ happiness with them? Don’t you talk with them about your feelings and this very topic?
anita
August 18, 2016 at 7:47 pm #112795KatyCatParticipantDear Anita,
The problem is that:
1. I have a twin sister. We are very close. In our teenage, we were always together and we were even in the same class. Because of this, we did not realize the importance of friendship. For example, when we wanted to do shopping or had some fun, we had each other as well as two other sisters. I did not try to invite other friends to join us. As a result, we have friends, but not close. After school, no more contact neither. However, now my twin sister is getting married soon. It may sound silly, but I kind of feel “betrayed” or I am left alone. She would move out and have her own family. I did talk with her about my complicated feeling (feel happy for her but feel sad for myself). She understands me but no one can really do to help me think positively. Besides, people always like to compare twins. I received pressure from people saying that “your younger twin sister is getting married! You are still single. What are you going to do? When is your turn? Hurry up!..etc”. I felt so bad.
2. I did not tell my family (except my twin sister) about how sad I was in relationship issues. One of my older sisters got cancer before and because of this and other reasons, we think that it is not likely that she can find any guys in her life. How could I tell my family that I am sad because I am single…? Compared with my sick sister, I am already lucky. At least I am healthy. I don’t want them to know I am sad or feeling being single is something negative, otherwise this may upset my sick sister too. On the other hand, I heard from my twin sister that my mom secretly told her that she thought that my twin sister’s life is better than my life now because she found a man and will get married soon. I am a bit angry and sad when I knew this. I had a PhD degree and I have a good career too. I expect that my family should be proud of me. But… the result is that they (at least my mom) think I am not doing OK.. Except this very topic, my family is supportive. When I am stressed at work, they will comfort me. But I did not always tell them about my work.. This is because, when I am sad now, I want to hide myself. So now, when I arrive home, I will just hide myself in the room and rest after dinner…
3. It is also a bit embarrassing for me to tell people how sad I am about being single. Sometimes I wonder that because I am not enjoying being single and I am too eager to find a boyfriend, I will easily pick a wrong guy. This is like a negative cycle. Wrong guy->sad->wrong guy->sad…
Currently, I feel heartbroken because I have to give up on the guy I met via the dating app. I tried to convince myself that I am actually not that into him. I am just too lonely. But.. my positive thoughts cannot be sustained. My emotion is always fluctuating. I am not sure if I have emotion problems… (work stress + relationship stress…etc)KatyCat
August 18, 2016 at 8:44 pm #112813AnonymousGuestDear KatyCat:
You have a PhD and a good career I understand, at 28. This is a great achievement.
You have an interesting family dynamic. Unfortunately you have an older sister who is sick. Your mother told your twin sister secretly (telling her it is a secret, that is to not tell you) that she, your mother, thinks your twin sister is doing better than you because she is getting married and you are not. Next, your twin sister told you the secret. I am guessing this creates discomfort for you: now you are not supposed to talk to your mother about what she said because it is supposed to be a secret…? And so there is a lack of open and honest communication on this very important matter: your value within the family.
It is very important for you to be valued in the context of the family. You found out that your mother values marriage more than your PhD and career, or so you figure, because of what she said to your twin sister. But you can’t ask her or talk to her about it because it was supposed to be a secret, as I understand it.
No wonder you hide in your room, the lines of communication are tainted.
If you’d like me to understand your situation better, please correct me if I was wrong in my understanding so far. As well as answer, if you will:
Are you living in a country where women live with parents until married? A country where women marry young (average age of marriage?) And back to your mother: do you feel that she doesn’t value your PhD and career?
You wrote that you are treated at home like a little girl: what do you mean by being treated like a little girl?
anita
August 18, 2016 at 10:14 pm #112820XenopusTexParticipantMaybe it is the prosecutor in me, but can’t help but think that part of the problem stems from the relationship at 15 with an older man.
Online dating poses challenges in and of itself. Online allows for a lot of things to be hidden compared to seeing them directly.
Just please be careful. There are folks who will take advantage of your situation. There are also wonderful folks out there, the kind I hope you meet.
August 19, 2016 at 1:50 am #112825Nina SakuraParticipantDear Kat,
It’s normal to feel this way – we all want connection, openess and to feel cared for. Sure we get that from our family but there is a different type we get from people of the opposite gender and our age group.
Congratulations to your sister on her marriage.
Questions to consider-
1. Do you actually want to get married like her?
2. Is it really so bad for a woman of 28 who has completed her education well and has a good career, strong family ties to not have a relationship or to be married? Is it so bad that she wants to decide for herself when the time is right for her to make such an important decision?
My thoughts –
1. People, including family will make such comments when the girl reaches a certain age and the sibling is getting married in certain societies. Don’t take their words so seriously.
2. Relationships take time and trust. You need to first be more comfortable with yourself than to date someone just because you are lonely. Your void is yours to fill. Be a friend to yourself first.
3. Our parents have seen a different kind of life than us and hence their preferences would be aligned that way. Your mothers opinion is more of a generation gap thing. Has she ever made you feel like she doesn’t care about you? Had she ever hurt you deliberately?
You are eventually going to settle down someday anyway and already have a good career going. It’s a perception thing girl, things change for the better. She loves you and this is her version of a better life, it doesn’t mean though that she doesn’t appreciate or understand how hard you have worked to be where you are.
4. Dating app guy didn’t work out, something better is waiting for you. He wasn’t that right for you anyway but someone out there is. Till then, get comfortable with yourself first. Find better ways to destress after work.
Regards,
NinaAugust 20, 2016 at 11:14 am #112909Christian MillsParticipantHey Katy, Firstly, how are you feeling? I joined this site reluctantly for support and friendly connections but find it to be kind of just harsh advice? No one really talks, just lecturing. So, how are you? I’m not hitting on you but I’ve had it rough too. Tried the dating scene and hated it. I’m also quite isolated and so badly just want to talk, not be advised or lectured. Just talk to someone who’s feeling the same and needs to talk.
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