Dear Bug

I am a relationship cheater. I cheated on my wife and I am sorry for the pain I caused her. She forgave me and we are still together after 34 years. I am a plain, plug ugly man- she is beautiful, gorgeous and looks not a day older than when I first met her. Looks, attractiveness- all the things that you say you now feel had nothing to do with my cheating. I was tempted and I fell. A pathetic, susceptible male. Anyway to try and make sense of the situation I looked up a web site on cheating and adultery in marriage and the causes and issues involved. I cannot give you the link becasue I have lost it but Google ‘Emotional Needs’ and you will find a lot of useful stuff that will help. Basically this therapist/ counsellor etc’s theory was that, having polled hundreds of people, we hall have essentially the same basic emotional needs. For attractiveness, sex, financial support, respect etc etc. If these basic emotional needs are not met there is tension in the relationship and we seek out those needs, or at least are receptive to getting those needs, elsewhere. In my case it was a couple of things that included sex. For us sex was not a participative sport, it was something to be got over and done with with the minimum of involvement and contribution. There were other issues to but that was the main one. Now I am not trying to excuse my behaviour but my point is that it has nothing to do with you, as a person, your looks, intelligence etc etc but everything to do with how you and your husband related to each other. This guru also looked at the process of falling in love and come up with the love bank concept. If, through small random acts of consideration respect and kindness we build our love bank up to a certain balance with another human being then at that point we fall in love. We fall out of love when the balance drops below this critical point and this happens when the things we do rather than making deposits in the love bank make withdrawals instead. Cheating is one helluva withdrawal.

Anyway just check out the web site- I have found the link for you now (marriagebuilders.com)- take a look and I hope some of it will help you cope with this difficult time and help make sense of it all.

Wishing you the very best
Ade

Dear Laura,

there are so many examples of beautiful women being cheated on. One that gained worldwide attention is when in 1995, a famous actor cheated on his famous and amazingly beautiful girlfriend, with a prostitute. In a most recent gossip, another famous actor has just abandoned his very attractive girlfriend because she’s turned 25.

I tend to agree with the second poster here (Ade), who said that men (and women) cheat mostly because they feel some of their emotional needs aren’t met. It doesn’t necessarily mean that their partner isn’t fulfilling those needs, but that the person who is cheating has emotional scars which lead them to seek excitement, validation, appreciation etc outside the committed relationship.

Have you yourself experienced being cheated on? If you have, I am very sorry. You are welcome to share some more, if you feel like it.