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How to find love?

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  • May 6, 2017 at 10:15 am #148267
    Susannah
    Participant

    It is difficult for several reasons, I guess. When you get older, you (hopefully) know yourself quite well – your values, your belief systems etc. For example I am a person who could never fall in love with a man, whose “values” are making money and using people for his own good. (And some lifestyle choices might be a problem for someone: for example being a vegetarian, who doesn”t consume any kind of alcohol. I don”t expect those from a man, though.)

     

    By now everyone has had some disappointments, which may make it difficult to give up your guards and be vulnerable. And without it there cannot be true intimacy & connection.

     

    Another thing with people around this age may be cynicism. If there is no faith that beautiful things can happen, they sure cannot. (I try hard not to become cynical even though I sure am frustrated.)

     

    And then there is the magical component: the spark. It either exists or not and you cannot make it and you know whether it is there or not the first time you meet. (For me it has never grown gradually.) I am not referring to somehow childish “my feet felt like spaghetti around him” -feeling, but some kind of chemistry is essential.

     

    Your opinion?

    May 7, 2017 at 6:47 am #148325
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Susannah, I hear your points. Pretty much see it the same. I would add something else that was brought to my attention. Single people in their 40s and 50s tend to be more avoidant than the population of singles who are in their 20s and 30s. Saying this in an exaggerated way just to make the point: “All the good ones are taken.”

    Avoiders stay perpetually in the dating pool. Certainly that was true of my ex. And trying to be honest with myself, I have been single a long time so I have to examine whether *I* am avoiding closeness and commitment. I don’t think so – I crave a heart- and intellect-based intimacy, but I am cautious to be sure. Maybe at times my caution has gotten in the way. It’s part of my path to figure this out.

    May 7, 2017 at 7:53 am #148343
    Susannah
    Participant

    Hmmm…It might be true that all the good ones really are taken! 😉 Like I said yesterday, none of my friends have been single after the age of 35. (Some of those relationships are not very fulfilling and make me wonder what keeps them together…) Some days ago I had coffee with a friend of mine, who is around 60. She told me about the important relationships of her life and the reasons why they had ended. “I have had such deep experiences and would never settle to a “well, I guess this is quite ok” -kind of relationship.” I completely agree.

     

    Closeness and commitment – two great “c-words”. It is possible that some people avoid them because of certain fears and without them a relationship cannot really bloom. I am more than willing to give myself 100 %! I just wish that it will happen some day. It would be such a fortune to live side by side with the right man, who would dedicate himself to me as much I would to him.

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Susannah.
    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Susannah.
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