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how to find true self? lost, depressed, unmotivated

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  • #98399
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Hi, I have never posted my problems into a forum before but I feel desperate to get some advice. I’m about to graduate from college and I feel this crushing sense of hopelessness and loneliness that started at the beginning of my last year in college. Prior to that, I was feeling great and was dating my now ex boyfriend, who introduced me to yoga, Buddhism, and helped me to start feeling like I was getting in touch with my true self. I felt amazing, and that feeling slowly disappeared over time. I keep trying to get back on track and bring myself up, and I maintain my healthy activities: I run a nonprofit organization at my college, I run and do yoga frequently, I signed up for a boxing class, I spend time outside, I prepare a lot of nourishing food from scratch, I’m learning herbal medicine. I do sitting and walking meditations and have been making my hobbies (painting and drawing, reading) more important in my life. I still don’t feel any better though. The only time I feel true happiness/bliss is during yoga class but it quickly dissipates because it reminds me of my ex and I feel incredibly lonely after. I have a persistent feeling of meaninglessness and sadness. It’s partly because of my breakup I know, but it also runs deeper than that. I have little motivation to move forward with my life, and I’m in the process of applying for jobs but all of the enthusiasm and excitement I used to have for the future seems to have evaporated. I feel sure that I won’t get a job that feels right for me if I’m looking for one while feeling like this. I feel worse because my ex described this same feeling as a reason for breaking up, and I realize now that I’ve felt this pervasive sense of the meaninglessness and searching for awhile but was able to cover it up by preoccupying myself with my relationship.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I need more socializing in my life, but I find it hard to have meaningful social interactions when nothing seems to matter and I feel like people don’t want to be around me unless I’m participating in drinking/doing drugs/partying. I also don’t see any point in getting closer to anyone I know when I’m going to be truly alone so soon, after graduating. I have people in my life whom I trust and I share these feelings with, but the relief is very temporary after sharing my thoughts. I think it is the pain and depression of living most of my life as an externally oriented person, and being pushed toward heavier introspection and a more inward focused life (because of my ex, who is a very introspective and intuitive person, and who supported me in doing this — this first brought me euphoria to realize I had a rich inner life I could cultivate, and now I just feel alone).

    I know this must be a common feeling for people to have at this stage of life (early 20s). But I just don’t know how to get over the hump, because it seems no matter how much I try to build up my naturally exuberant, happy, highly motivated attitude back up, I just fail. I feel like I’ll never get rid of this feeling of overwhelming loneliness and despondency. Some days are better than others and I know the tools I have to use to let go of the past and move forward are ones I have to find within myself, but I don’t know what else to do when it already feels like I’m doing everything I can.

    #98402
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zenstrawberry:

    It is a great challenge to try to be helpful to you because you already know what to do and you are already doing those things. It seems to me that your relationship with your boyfriend was the game changer in an otherwise good plan. The relationship with him changed things for you. You wrote that you were an externally oriented person before him and that you turned inward as a result of knowing him. Your connection with him got deeper as your connection with your family and others got weaker. Am I understanding you correctly so far?

    If so, what is it that happened between you and him? You didn’t share much about the relationship itself: what were the fights about???

    anita

    #98403
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Anita-
    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond! Yes I believe you are understanding things correctly–I edited to make the story shorter so thank you for mentioning the parts about my relationships with family.
    Our relationship was an instant connection, and we grew very close very quickly. I met him through mutual friends. We had frequent fights about 4 months in. I can be very conflict avoidant, and my ex would take this very personally and these issues would often build up and blow up at inconvenient times (holidays, with friends). The issues were often only small things that built up over time, but the fighting was frequent, extremely unproductive and hurtful. It mostly happened at the middle of our relationship. A lot of our fights were because one of his close friends disliked me and would try to convince my ex to break up with me, and would talk badly about me to our mutual friends, which caused a lot of emotional fights and arguments between us.

    Towards the end, our disagreements were about breaking up; I was getting into emotional arguments with my ex because I still feel/felt the connection between us and he said that he no longer was sure about anything, including our relationship. we had discussed the feeling that he had (similar to what I’ve described feeling), but I did not want to end the relationship at all. He had a very difficult past with a lot of family issues/death and drug abuse, and was feeling more lost than I am. The ending was hard for me because I did not want to let go, and he still holds resentment toward me for pushing him to hold out hope for our relationship for the last 2 months of us being together. I hold no more resentment, or anger, and have been working on being compassionate towards myself for holding on even when I knew that our current relationship had run its course. My current state of mind is that while looking at our past and looking toward the future, I think there’s a likelihood that we will get back together, but I am trying to remind myself that living fully in the present moment and letting go means acknowledging that it doesn’t matter.

    I feel like I became desperate and codependent because I was afraid of my ex leaving, when I should have acknowledged that the whole time I already knew what his decision would be because it was what he felt in his gut. I feel like giving into this fear response has made me lose a lot of self confidence and self respect, and that’s making my problem much worse.

    #98411
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Zenstrawberry,

    I’m about to graduate from college and I feel this crushing sense of hopelessness and loneliness that started at the beginning of my last year in college.

    This is actually pretty easy to understand, after 3 + years (depending on what you study) in the ‘system’ you have been institutionalized, given limitations and boundaries, checks and balances. When you leave, you won’t have professors, mates, tutors, student bodies etc that are in essence meant to make you feel comfortable. It’s like when i graduated school, it wasn’t this hoora that i had seen in hollywood movies, it was quite depressing, knowing i would never see many of these people ever again. No weird handshakes or house parties, just left in the car with Mum out the front gates after graduation. Sitting in my room, i was like….what now? It will take some time to adjust, but as long as you have a direction it will make the transition easier. Even if you are in the middle of finding a direction, this is still a direction πŸ™‚ See a college counselor and ask them what they recommend doing upon completion of college. Ask other graduates or even future graduates what they are doing or want to. Learn from your peers.

    The only time I feel true happiness/bliss is during yoga class but it quickly dissipates because it reminds me of my ex and I feel incredibly lonely after. I have a persistent feeling of meaninglessness and sadness.

    I believe this is not only because of the breakup, nor the fact that yoga reminds you of your ex. It’s that you have lost a part of your identity. Our identity is actually constructed by the people we surround ourselves with, not solely by oneself. You were a girlfriend, now your not. You were probably other things with your ex; a lover, a friend etc. So now that he is gone, you are struggling to find something that identifies and validates who you are. Naturally you are looking for friends, looking for like minded people to connect with. You feel lost because everything that made sense, now no longer does. Your right, looking inside yourself for answers is one way. But if you don;t know what you are looking forward, then you are going to be spending a lot of time just reflecting on nothing of substance. Get a piece of paper and write your name in the middle. Write everything that you makes you WHO you are. Interests, traits, jobs, who you were in the past and present, faiths, beliefs etc. So if i put my name in the middle, for example i would put down; ex-rugby player, lover of languages, older brother, former chef, food lover, a reflector etc. You just need to identify who you are. Who are you in relation to yourself?

    Whether you are more focused on inner or the outer perspective of life, it’s not static. You evolve and change based on your experiences and your perception of those experiences. So you can once again become a extrovert, externally orientated, you never lost it, it just wasn’t a priority in your relationship. Now you can make it a priority πŸ™‚ You will never be what you once were, it’s not impossible, but you have changed, evolved, do you really want to go backwards? Become a new kind of extrovert, one that better reflects the now πŸ˜‰

    it seems no matter how much I try to build up my naturally exuberant, happy, highly motivated attitude back up, I just fail

    Don;t pressure yourself to be happy and motivated for the sake of being happy and motivated. Pressuring yourself to feel things you don’t truly feel is not happiness, it’s superficial at best, hollow at its worst. Yoga, herbal remedies etc may ease the pain of loss , frustration and loneliness, but they do remind you of your ex. So maybe you need to find something else, something that motivates you; whether a new hobby, job, interest etc. I’m not saying stop what you are doing. But discover something new, for yourself.

    Hope this helps some way, please keep posting if you have more to say or thoughts
    Sincerely,
    Matty

    #98421
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Strawberry,

    “I feel like people don’t want to be around me unless I’m participating in drinking/doing drugs/partying.”

    Yeah I feel ya because I wouldn’t want to be around people if that’s all they wanted to do. I practice Bikram yoga http://www.bikramyogaaz.com in Paradise Valley and the secret for me is, that I’m now going to share with you and to whom ever reads this. Is that when I start practicing for 90 minutes, I go into auto-pilot with all the postures and escape into my own little zen world. Every now and then I’ll snap out of it for a few seconds but then I continue on with my own spiritual meditation. Maybe it’s the time of day that I’m at my peak, with my body clock because I’ll get into the studio by 3:00pm, to start class by 3:30pm.

    I’d say keep practicing the yoga (which ever one you’re practice) and enjoy it for yourself. If it’s hurting you that bad, then maybe don’t go for awhile until you feel better. I’m sorry you’re hurting so bad like this, my heart goes out to you because I know how you feel. It’s difficult I know, don’t give up hope on anything, as many beautiful things can happen at any moment for you. You won’t be alone forever, your ex may come back. Do continue to socialize when you’d like. You are a beautiful and loving soul that will be loved and accepted by the right people, don’t ever believe or think you are not worthy of friends and or love again.

    I think it’s so great that you make food from scratch, as food is so much better that way when you create food with your won hands. Have you tried going to an outdoor local farmers market to buy fresh produce? It’s a lot of fun and a great way to casually socialize with the vendors. You’ll learn a lot. I’m going to mine tomorrow before lunch time. It’s been one of my most favorite things to do during the week, is to head to my outdoor farmers market.

    Strawberry, don’t give up on yourself as you will be happy again. I know life is in-consistent but always remember that you always have control over your own happiness. However, If you do feel it’s still hard to find happiness, you know where to find people to lift up your spirits and support you. It’s here on this forum and website. None of us are perfect and we all have our good and our bad days but you will get through it with love.

    Sending you lots of love, positivity and light your way.

    M.

    #98425
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi zenstrawberry,

    Everyone in Spring of Senior Year is feeling that bummed out feeling. Feeling bummed out is easier than feeling anxious. “It’s all coming to and end…” vs. “…BUT WHAT NOW???”

    Yoga, reading, cooking, drawing can seem very boring compared to this overwhelming future questions.

    All I can say is find a job, any job, and get that lined up now (if possible) so you have something to look forward to.

    Once you are truly on your own, in an apartment and a job/career, you should be OK.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #98429
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Thanks so much to all of you for your kind replies!

    Inky – I know you are right. I will feel so much better once I take forward action.

    Matty – I appreciate your response so much. You are so right. It is an identity issue. I will try this exercise and use that for reflections πŸ™‚ It feels good to have just a few things that my ex and I didn’t share and I do want to have some more things that are just mine. And Elle, yoga practice makes me feel amazing and has me realizing that while we practiced together all the time, it had really become my own thing without me even realizing it until I was doing it alone. I know exactly what you are saying about the 3 PM start too, I also slip into zen mode and it’s just great πŸ™‚

    I already feel much better putting out my thoughts into writing! It’s very hard for me to bring myself to write/journal, and when I do it doesn’t feel honest, but all the words came out in this post and it feels so relieving. Luckily today is unseasonably warm and sunny where I am and it’s a good day to try to have a fresh perspective.

    Thank you all xoxo

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by zenstrawberry.
    #98432
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zenstrawberry:

    You wrote in your above post to me: “I can be very conflict avoidant, and my ex would take this very personally and these issues would often build up and blow up at inconvenient times (holidays, with friends).”

    In the context of your posts so far, I am thinking that it is possible, only possible that you avoid conflicts not only in relationships with others but inside of you. Only a possibility. Maybe most, maybe all people do so, some more than others. Some people will go to very great length to avoid internal conflict, that is, looking into themselves, into internal motivations, feelings…

    There may be things inside you that you need, over time, gradually, to look into… things that came up in a serious relationship with a person who maybe… demanded you look into them..

    Again, this is only a possibility. What do you think/ feel about it?

    anita

    #98446
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    anita-

    I think you are hitting the nail on the head. My ex would get very angry with me during our relationship over this subject and it caused a lot of stress that I’m reminded of frequently now that we’re broken up. He would notice things in me that I was squashing down (sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what they are now) and I would be very avoidant if he tried to help, because I felt very sensitive to what I perceived as criticism. He in response would feel shut down. Then we would argue.

    I feel now that I don’t know what steps to take, or how to approach my internal struggles for myself. I have a tendency to do things for the validation of another person and feel lost on my own sometimes. And often I feel that I can’t see my internal issues as well as other people can.

    #98452
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zenstrawberry:

    Well, if you’d like, we can work on it here. Just a little, that is.

    It is very common to squash down what hurts. Everyone does it, including your ex boyfriend. In relationship with you, maybe he was more open and capable to bring up and deal with those internal issues, as you call them. Maybe he was comfortable with some issues … but I won’t be surprised if there were no issues that he would be very sensitive about and refuse to bring up!

    Those “internal issues” that were brought up in relationship with him, you can bring them up here, with me, if you’d like. These issues existed before you met him. They were just brought up in the relationship with him. And maybe once they were brought up, they unsettled you and you are not the same as before. Not content and hopeful as before. These issues may be pushing themselves into your awareness by triggering the distress you are experiencing, demanding that you deal with them.

    You know what those issues were, that were brought up, the issues you squashed down. If they are intense, you might want to attend a competent, caring and hard working psychotherapist to explore them. And/ or you might want to share some here, as you are comfortable with. I will not negatively criticize you, therefore I consider myself safe as one to reply to your sharing, if you do choose to share.

    anita

    #98495
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Anita-

    Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. It certainly feels better to express these things and I meditated on what these issues may be today…
    One thing is that I have an intense need for approval. I mentioned above that I often need the validation of others. I already know that this stems from persistent bullying and feelings of exclusion during childhood. I brought up these issues a few times with my ex, but would usually get very emotional and begin to shut down. Related to that, I also have a fear/avoidance of criticism, am extremely sensitive, and have an emotional/shut down response to arguments because of constant fighting between my parents before my father’s death at a young age. I don’t get into many relationships and developed a need for independence, but I don’t open up about these issues even to close friends. I feel frustrated with myself for my emotional/shut down responses to conflict and it intensifies my feelings of being alone, which is something I’ve felt since childhood. that despite a deep need to connect with others, I would never be able to adequately earn another person’s love, and I would have to accept that no one will accept or understand me for the person I truly am. My ex pushed me to be genuinely myself instead of filtering who I am around other people out of a need to be liked, but this is so difficult and feels even harder now. I also feel like that while I “know” I don’t have to earn love, in action I still made my ex’s life my own, made his problems my problems, and towards the end told myself my displays of love (buying gifts, lunches, surprises) would be enough to keep my relationship going. And my self esteem is rather tenuous because of this, so I avoid vulnerability to keep up the self esteem that I cultivate from my personal achievements. I feel good about myself so long as I have a path to go down and can come to feel confident in my ability to check those things off. I find myself doing this even in the midst of our breakup: finding ways to achieve ‘milestones’ of ‘recovery’. I want to be happy being on a path that can be completely internal, but I just end up feeling lost and further away from resolving these issues. I want to think that I want to live an authentic, true life but end up covering up my internal issues focusing on personal relationships/accomplishments/goals as my primary satisfaction in life because I don’t know where to begin… I only hope that the healthy behaviors and attitudes I try to cultivate can help with a natural shift toward accepting these internal issues, but I also wouldn’t know what to do with them so sometimes I feel like it’s not worth it to try and resolve my internal problems.

    #98496
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zenstrawberry:

    You wrote that you are: “…filtering who I am around other people out of a need to be liked.”

    I think that an even deeper way to look at it is that you filter who you are around other people out of fear to be disliked, rejected, harmed.

    Fear is the most powerful emotion there is.

    To be genuine with another and with people it takes healing from the injury you suffered when you were very genuine, that is when you were a young child. You were very genuine then, no filtering, no self protection and that is when you were hurt by your parent/s, it hurt so badly that you shut down. And ever since you are afraid of feeling that pain, almost as if you forgot it already happened and you keep expecting it yet to happen.

    To heal an injury that happened in the context of an intimate relationship (with a parent), you need to be in a healing relationship. Often it can be one with a competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist, a safe, intimate relationship where healing can be done. Sometimes healing can be done in the context of a safe friendship, or a safe romantic relationship.

    Only your ex boyfriend was not able to provide you the safety you needed. He didn’t understand you were filtering yourself not by choice but by fear. He didn’t understand he can’t argue with fear. If he understood and was capable and willing, he would have been that safe place for you where you could slowly shed off the filters and be your genuine self with him… and over time, with others as well, slowly, patiently, over time.

    What do you think…?

    anita

    #98603
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Anita,

    I spent a lot of time thinking of what you had to say over the past day, and will definitely continue thinking about it… I have often thought about finding a psychotherapist but never have. I really don’t want fear to be my guiding force in life and really want to make some headway on this. I really can’t thank you enough because all your messages (and everyone else’s above!) have been extremely helpful for me. I hope lots of goodness comes your way.

    πŸ™‚

    #98613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear zenstrawberry:

    You are welcome and thank you for the good wishes. I thought about you after I wrote the last post to you and before reading this one. I thought to myself that all the skills you have, zen practices and such will be very helpful in the context of therapy. My psychotherapist taught me meditation, mindfulness, starting me with short guided meditations. He taught me deep breathing, basic stuff. Walking meditation as well (mindfulness)… that was part of my therapy together with his specialty, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The fact that you have these skills will benefit you a lot in handling the strong emotions to come up in therapy.

    Please post here anytime.

    anita

    #98621
    zenstrawberry
    Participant

    Anita,
    I would like to add that I spent a significant amount of time chewing over your responses and also taking into consideration some of the other things you’ve posted (I am new to this forum). I was, with no exaggeration, blown away that I had such thoughtful and wise comments coming my way after just taking a chance posting online! After reading through your posts for a while I feel almost like I’ve come to know you a little bit and I think it’s wonderful that you see your comments as a helpful tool for yourself at the same time as they are helping other people enormously.

    Whether or not astrological signs hold any weight, I have always been a stereotypical perfectionist Virgo and I think my perfectionist nature is kind of funny because it produces both very healthy and very unhealthy behaviors. On one hand, I hold myself to an impossible standard, build a sense of self-esteem based on goals I’ve achieved, and develop compulsive behaviors naturally. On the other hand, my strong interest in wellness combined with my perfectionism lets me cultivate these healthy behaviors and make them regular practice (thinking subconsciously, perhaps, that enough healthy behaviors will make me ‘perfect’). Of course, these healthy behaviors (meditations, yoga, etc.) are having a positive effect totally unrelated to this unattainable concept of ‘perfection’! I’m not sure if that made any sense but it makes me think of the distinction between the inner self and the ego, which we’ve talked about up-thread a bit. The outer, public self may express some less desirable, unhealthy behaviors, but becomes more reflective of the true self as the conception of the true self strengthens. This has been on my mind since coincidentally after our conversation in this thread, I had a yoga class focusing on this relationship and its manifestation as the front of the body (public persona) and the back of the body (inner self) (according to Ayurveda).

    I hope you find this interesting and not too difficult to read (this was a little stream-of-consciousness).

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