Charlotte,

I’m sorry for the shame and guilt you are cycling through, and can understand why you’ve lost a little faith in yourself. Your heart said no, but you said yes anyway, and let yourself receive more than you gave. Said differently, you let yourself be loved and tended, while pretending to feel the same. This naturally builds guilt within the mind, because we are beings who seek balance. Said differently, the place you’ve arrived in is normal and usual for a person who made decisions as you did, and getting out of it is just as normal. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Our love is a precious gift that is often inspired by others, shared with others, but is actually our own gift. Said differently, the love in our heart is a gift for ourselves first and foremost, and grows through its sharing. So, as you turned away from your “gut” or your heart, you turned away from your inner fire. It may seem like your tresspass was against the man, but it is really about you, and how you quenched your inner fire, your inner energy.

So it really is no shock that you became much like a beggar, feeding off his attentions. The sensation of “losing oneself” is a natural result. Consider that you are what you eat, and if you’re eating his love (because you turned away from your own) then your inner fire becomes a reflection of him, rather than your own true song. Its good that you ended it, and the crash that followed makes sense. You got in the habit of ignoring yourself, and without that or a partner to feed you affection, where in the world would your food come from?

However, as you’ve noticed the ego can be a powerful force, pushing us into unskillful behaviors as it rationalizes and considers. Perhaps the dream of being in love pulled at you, the dream of being pampered, of being tended. This is also very normal, and isn’t some drastic character flaw that means you’re unlovable, it just means that you weren’t in a good place of self nurturing. If you had been pampering yourself, tending yourself, living your dream, the allure of the relationship would never have overcome the intuition.

The solution to this mess is actually quite simple. Accept that you are imperfect, make decisions from ego sometimes, and let it go. Consider how much more in tune you are with your intuition now. You’ve seen the path that unfolds when you ignore it, and how painful it becomes, so that helpful information will be available next time the sparkle meets your intuition, and you’ll make a better choice. So, why fret? You worked with fire unskillfully, got burned, it hurts, and heals with time. No mystery, no unlovable or broken Charlotte, just a woman trying her best to find balance and happiness. Making mistakes, learning from them, and growing. What a beauty! And only 21! What a life you have ahead of you!

In terms of regaining the inner girl, who is playful and sparkly, consider spending some time playing. This business of ego and love and mistakes and depression can really get in the way of seeing just how beautiful the world is around us. Its good to learn, to look deep at what we’ve done, but not too deep, not too long. Buddha said that if we stare to long at the nature of karma it leads to madness. Said differently, go play. Sure, you might limp for awhile as you rediscover what you like and don’t like, but the girl is yearning to come out and play again. Let her! She is a little wiser now, and may make mistakes in the future, but will learn and grow and heal. Its all part of the journey, my dear sister, and our hearts are strong enough to see it through.

Finally, consider taking up a metta meditation practice. YouTube search “guided metta meditation” if interested. A metta practice can help to regrow the warmth inside, which switches our view of the world from conflict and chaos into beauty and wonder. Said differently, it may help you to regrow the connection between your mind and heart directly, which is something a metta practice will help with. It opens the mind, and makes it smooth. Consider how beautiful a fireworks display is in the night sky, but how scary it would be if it was in the bathroom with us. The world is much like that… when the mind is open and vast, it is beautiful. When it is small and compressed, it is scary. Metta helps the mind become like the night sky, letting experiences blossom into it with grace.

Namaste, sis, may you rediscover just how beautiful you are.

With warmth,
Matt

Bibles explain that with light must come darkness, Buddhism instructs living through The Middle Way, Taoism heavily emphasizes the significance of Yin and Yang and even science proves that protons must have an electron for an atom to be balanced. You must learn that we need ‘negativity’ in order to find harmony else how would we ever progress if we have nothing to learn from?

You’ve had a difficulty which is causing you much suffering but find comfort in having recognized it and deciding to take action for it proves that deeply you desire to be a good human being. Find peace and self-forgiveness by using the lesson(s) given from this experience to improve yourself. This is how you make amends and move on. To continue to poorly reflect will not give you what you need nor will it do justice for your past actions. Accept this as a necessary experience to help you become a better person. It’s also necessary to understand that these ‘negative’ experiences will continue. They are an essential part of human life meant to give us the tools we need to obtain peace and happiness.

With that said it does not mean that you should live in anxiety for fear of these experiences to come. In fact, understanding that they are a normal part of life will help ease you and allow you to live happier. Also, as Matt stated, and as something I often say to other members, we are not perfect nor are we meant to be. Who truly knows what they are supposed to do in life? Even the greatest of men made mistakes. However, we labeled them as ‘great’ only because they overcame their challenges. You must learn to do the same. And as far as your ego goes, don’t you believe that this experience has instilled some humility in you? 😉

So please, don’t be too hard on yourself. We are and always will be children of life afterall; constantly learning and improving. We’ll never have all the answers which can be seen as a wonderful thing. Discovery is quite a delight afterall.

Best Regards,
Al

Charlotte,
First of all I’m sending you HUGZ and light energy.

Second, I recommend to just breathhhhhhhhhh. The breath really does help in settling the physiology and emotions.

Third, I find meditation as a good practice regardless what you are going through.

Fourth, I also find that just sitting with my negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger, etc.) helps to be with myself better and those emotions eventually dissipate. It can be hard to do that for, like meditation, it can be hard not to think but to allow the negative emotions to be fully felt and (eventually) pass through us. This can be part or separate from your meditation.

Fifth, we all fuck up. The “trick” is to be compassionate with ourselves and to know that we have gained experience and wisdom so we can choose differently next time. Judging ourselves really puts us into this loop (as you are now experiencing it) of self recrimination and punishment. Labeling is part of that judging thing.

Sixth, feel free to contact me for further support.

Namaste’, Ubuntu, and Metta,
Mark
mark@markwillhelp.com