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How to free myself of guilt? Really struggling

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  • #298379

    Anonymous

    Hi everyone.

    This is my first post here and I’ve really been struggling lately. Just for some background info, I’m 23 and when I was 19 I was diagnosed with OCD. My obsessions started off with a fear of getting sick and I obsessively washed my hands and refused to eat food that wasn’t prepared by me. Through medication and therapy I was able to overcome this fear. My illness wouldn’t let me off that easy and decided my new obsession was feeling horribly guilty about fan fiction I had read in previous months/years.

    It’s uncomfortable for me to talk about even anonymously but I started reading fanfiction when I was about 13. I had always loved to read and was amazed that there was this world full of content to read. Like any young person, I began reading works with erotica/smut in them. The root of my guilt comes from getting turned on from more taboo things in the works I had read. Everything I read was consensual between characters but had underage themes (adult and young person), incest, beastality. The fact that I read these works at an age where I felt like I should’ve known better (20,21) absolutely disgusts me. I never was turned on by the themes but the descriptive sexual acts in them and I try to tell myself that anyone would be excited by the graphic description of sex. I have never fantasized or had any urges about any taboo things but I’m letting the fact that I read these things and sometimes masturbated to them ruin my life. I try to remind myself that humans will get turned on by the description of sex and that I’m not an awful person but I feel like I’m a sicko who doesn’t deserve to have kids or pets of my own one day.

    I’ve talked to my mom about this and her take on it is everyone has read or seen something taboo and been excited by it because that’s human nature. She’s the most supportive person I know and I’m so thankful for her.

    I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to forgive myself and move on with my life.

    Please let me reiterate, I have NEVER had any sexual fantasy regarding any taboo subjects or situations. I was never excited or turned on by the ages or animal aspect of the fanfiction, just the fact that the sex was being described in detail. I was a virgin until I was 22 and was never comfortable with my body or sex and I feel like maybe that’s why I’m taking this so hard? Having a hard time realizing that just because you read something doesn’t mean you’d do it or condone it. Really struggling.

    #298795

    Jim
    Participant

    There is nothing wrong with you my  friend. You are experiencing the thoughts and feelings of your life just as you were supposed to. It sounds like a huge contrast, from aggressively washing hands and excessively worried about germs and illness all the way to the other side of letting your guard down and opening up to some feelings/emotions. Without worry, washing, or fear of sickness or death. The only common denominator is your now feeling the worry about “sickness” and you are wishing you could aggressively wash it out of existence.  With this particular instance, you are going to be stuck with it until you find acceptance in it and then forgiveness. Most of all forgive yourself. Like right now, first things first – Forgive You. You are human, we become physically aroused by images, thoughts, words, sounds, all sorts of things – and regardless of you attaching that it was beastiality or incest, is honestly irrelevant. Because the main issue is you feeling you need to scrub and wipe away your ‘faults’ or as I see it, your indication by your body that your a human being that has physical sexual desires and needs-hardwired into your body through hormones and a chain reaction to your mind and downstairs parts. So it’s not about the specific material, maybe in your head for the moment it is to hyperfocus it but it’s more about the OCD still controlling you and you feeling that you need to cleanse something in order to ensure your safety. health. life.

    First forgive, you are not sick. Neither in the head, in the heart, or in your body.

    In fact, state “I am healthy, I have an abundance of Love for myself and my body. I accept and trust in my current state.”

    Prepare – contrary thoughts / beliefs to what your OCD tells you.

    For ex: You need to wash your hands for 3 minutes or you’ll get the flu.

    Contrary Thought*:” I am healthy and my life is in God’s/Universe/my Divine(whatever you choose) hands. I will practice faith by washing my hands in under 15 seconds max, and only after using them.”

    “My time in life is worth more than washing my hands excessively.”

    “My focus is not wasted on fears, my focus is on my happiness, nature’s beauty, and my family -”

    Then acceptance – Accept that your OCD is going to try to tell you that you need to clean this, or you better do that in order to stay  healthy, or you may die if you don’t wash this. Accept it, don’t hate it, don’t look at it as evil. Just allow it to be that choir of fear to chime in. But now you are ready, aware, and equipped with the thoughts that you feel contrast them. I still find myself going into self defeating dialogues and i’ve been practicing this method for some time now. But it’s about catching yourself, the awareness – and making a conscious effort to making your mind the support network and motivational cheer leader for your life and happiness that should be.

    Replace the fears with Faiths. With gratitude. While making guidelines/self codes to not participate in certain activities despite the fear and discomfort the OCD throws at you.

    Ask, what do you think you’ve learned most from having OCD? Find something that you can truly say you’re grateful for and it gives value to your life in some way. Like I lived a life of addiction and struggling to just eat, sleep, work, be a son – I was powerless over it. But now, standing here looking back on it, I can say I was just scared and that was my means of hiding from the fear, it was my way to avoid my fears, and I can say thank you for giving reprieve to my 13 year old self when I had no idea I was even scared to begin with. Thanks for allowing me some sense of escape and self assurance. That gratitude runs out quick for the addictions turn ugly and begin stealing more than providing real quick. But I can say I know and respect what it takes to feel stuck and hopeless, convinced their is no way out and i’m doomed to die this way. To deciding to fight, standing up with the strength of Faith from something greater than yourself at that moment, and faith that you have a purpose and reason to be on this earth. And I decided I wasn’t done yet. I may not know what it is, but i’m going to find out why I’m here. I know to eat, sleep, use substances, and run from my fears / feelings was not the only thing I was destined to do.

    Willingness – Willingness to try something new. To walk through discomfort. To admit you aren’t happy and you’re willing to work for a softer easier way.

    Faith – Believe that there is some Divine reason you’re here. Some divine layout and plan for your soul. You may deviate, do to your own choices and maybe get stuck when unable to see the big picture. But Rely upon your own conception of God/the Universe/ Source – and the connection that you have with that Divine creative intelligence.

    Love, Accept, Forgive – Love is behind all doors, all fears, all discomforts and pain. There is only love and your own truth and strength. Acceptance is the answer, but you do not have to accept how respond to factors/situations. Accept people places things, including your own thinking in form of OCD and Decide your response will be in Faith or strength or Love, etc. Forgive. Forgive.Forgive. Yourself. The Kids who picked on you in middle school. The images on your comic. Your mind. Your body for being human. Yourself again… for being hard….on yourself. Your parents, family, adults, friends, enemies and friends. Find reasons to be grateful for them rather than resentful angry or frustrated. Love is the answer.

    So don’t focus on the theme of the images so much. Just graze right past that, and look at the growth of being open and vulnerable like that. But also what you can do to heal or work towards quieting that fear that is excessively telling you to clean. You are okay. You are perfect and healthy. Normal human, if anything you’re very humble, modest, proper, and respectful for your age. When I was that age I was not just looking at comics haha…you’re a good person.  Blessings

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