I am having trouble letting go of an adult child who has recently moved on. I know I’m not the first parent in history who had a child leave the nest (LOL) and I’m wondering why I’m struggling so much with this situation? I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just need to vent, or perhaps need a word of encouragement from someone who has been through this and is able to share their wisdom.

My 21-year old daughter left home about five months ago. She left while myself, my husband and her older brother were all at work. She sent me a text message saying she was sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but it was better this way. She said she loved me, that she was going to live with a friend and that I shouldn’t worry. Then she shut off her phone and boarded a flight.

I get asked all the time if we fought the night before she left – the answer is no. We never fought. I mean, she went through some teenage angst at around age 14; she snuck out of the house and lied to us and wore a lot of black lipstick, you know…normal teenage stuff, but our discipline was always fair and level-headed. There were no beatings or screaming fits or drama. After she matured a bit, she became my kindred spirit. We baked cookies together and texted each other memes and introduced each other to new music. I know she loves me very much.

So, yes her leaving was a shock, and yes, at first it felt like she’d died: Suddenly she just wasn’t there anymore, but most of her stuff still was. I mourned. Eventually we made contact with her and I met the man she’s now living with. I actually like him. I’ve had a chance to ask her questions about why she left and tell her how hurt we all feel. I now understand she wasn’t running from us, but from herself: That she’d been struggling with crippling self-esteem issues for some time, and depression and anxiety. She met a man she felt truly listened to her and when he offered her a new life, she took a leap of faith with him.

I’ve made peace with all of that. I truly have. I like the way the two of them seem together and I would not wish her home again. I want them to be happy. But what I can’t seem to shake is my guilt. How did I not recognize she was so miserable before she left us? How can I help her recover her self-esteem and improve her life? I feel like I’m trying to finish up parenting her, like the job was somehow interrupted when she left and now I see lessons that I didn’t quite get a chance to finish teaching. But she doesn’t want my help. She recently asked me to give her some space, and I don’t blame her. I was texting her almost every day and asking if she’d made an appointment to see a counselor and hovering over her like a creep!

The past two years have been difficult for me: Among other things, I have had to put my father-in-law into a nursing home, have helped my mom fight two rounds of cancer, have had to put my beloved dog down, have been watching my husband’s business slowly fail, and am going through perimenopause (sorry for the overshare). And I feel guilty that so much of my time and focus was everywhere else except on my daughter. She was HERE and I could have done more – or spent more time with her – or listened better, but now she’s gone and all I can do is regret.

I know I need to let go. I know I can only control MY actions, My reactions and MY attitude. I know it is not my daughter’s job to fill the void in my heart that she left behind. The logical part of my brain accepts all of these things, and yet there is a heaviness in my soul that defies all logic. I feel like I could use some words of encouragement to assure me this will get better.

Thank you for reading. 🙂