Home→Forums→Relationships→How to Love and Let Go?
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March 2, 2017 at 2:19 pm #132639
AParticipantHello All,
I am new here and wanted to reach out with what I am learning, and hopefully get some feedback from this Community.
I am one month into having No Contact with my Ex of Eight months. I initiated this cut, as he could not get over his wall of fear and offer a real commitment. We would still talk everyday, text, etc if it was up to him, but he could not go any further, despite us both loving eachother very much. He was severely damaged by his ex-wife of 15 years and although it has been 3 years since their split, it seems as though he cannot see himself committing again.
I was the first woman he dated, or even opened up to since her and he does care for and love me but just was not able to go any further. We had a good, healthy conversation to end things, and even though it was extremely painful, it was the right thing to do for me. I fell in love with him and wanted to be with him, but he just couldn’t do it.
I think I just need a little support today. I miss him incredibly but know I cannot contact him. He worries about me and has asked a mutual friend if I’m ok, and how I am, a few times in the last week. Her response was, “She loves you and is a wonderful person. It’s too bad you guys couldn’t work it out.” He replied, “Yes, she is an amazing woman, but it is what it is.”
This is just so painful and I love him dearly. Any thoughts, comments, advice, common situations, etc is very very appreciated. Thank you so much…
March 2, 2017 at 2:52 pm #132647
PeterParticipant“The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you’ll never have.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
I wish I had words that might save you from having to go through this painful experience… You must trust your intuition.
I had a similar experience, only I was the one who had the problem with committing and my girlfriend new that for her own growth she had to let go and move forward. She was right. It was the right thing to do. And it Hurt like nothing I experienced before. We knew… she knew that the breakup had to be a full break, no contact. Again she was right. You must trust your intuition.
March 3, 2017 at 8:53 am #135347
AnonymousGuestDear A:
He was married for 15 years, I assume he had a relationship with his ex wife longer than those 15 years, closer to 20, perhaps? He has been separated from her for over 2 years before he met you. Then you and him had a relationship lasting 8 months from beginning to end.
Eight months is not that long, compared to close to 20 years of his previous relationship and 2 years between that and meeting you. The relationship with you didn’t start in the middle, but in a beginning. So there hasn’t been that much time for him to get over his fear of commitment etc. You didn’t give him that much time.
I suppose you didn’t have much time to give, felt pressure and pressured him to get over his fear. It is your right to determine how much time you give a relationship, absolutely. I am thinking it wasn’t much time. Fear is a very powerful emotion. If fear is what kept him from committing to you, more time, more patience, more of a gentle attitude toward him could have been helpful.
What do you think?
anita
March 3, 2017 at 1:29 pm #135367AParticipantThank you Peter, and Anita for your feedback. It is greatly appreciated.
Anita,
A few months ago when this originally came up, he opted to work (remotely) with my Therapist. This was a huge step, and we were all confident of a positive outcome. My expectations for him were only that one day, we would be together… that we would not put any labels or pressure on ourselves. That because this was real love, we would let it grow organically, and in time, when it was right, we would take the next step.
I told him I was falling in love with him, and that I wanted no other man in my life, or bed. That I would take each day as it came, and that eventually, even if it took years, that I was ok with that. He told me how he felt about me, and because of his genuine caring and love, I was able to transcend needing a label, time frame, or anything of that nature.
He was good with that, but one day he became distant again. We talked it through and he realized it was his fear, and we moved forward as normal. A few more weeks went by, and he became distant and not-reciprocating of my gentle affections. I asked him what was going on and his reply was that he loved talking to me, doing things with me, and that I was an amazing woman, one unlike any other he had ever known…but that he “didn’t necessarily want a partner right now, and he didn’t know what to do.”
I was of course hurt, because after 8 months of this, it was beginning to become a source of great pain for me. We agreed he would talk to our mutual Therapist (with who, I have trust) before we made any final decision or talk again.
They had a long session, and then he and I talked. He was very clear that he was not ready. He stated that he could see us getting Married, and did not want to uproot his life, and have his kids think he was trying to replace their Mother. He said over and over, “I know this doesn’t make sense, I know it doesn’t but it is how I feel”
It was very painful. He was in tears and professing his feelings for me, but that he just could not do it.
That was one month ago, tonight.
Thank you for listening.
March 3, 2017 at 5:42 pm #135439AnonymousGuestDear A:
In your last post you wrote: “He stated that he could see us getting Married”- you meant “he stated that he could NOT see us married”. You missed the “not”, correct?
From your second post, I understand that you did not pressure him but was gentle with him and it was he who insisted that he was not ready for a committed relationship, and felt quite strongly about it (“it is how I feel”, stated over and over).
I re-read your original post in light of the second. You read to me like a very reasonable woman, that you were patient and gentle with him, you had him see your mutual therapist… you did everything you could to make the beginning of a committed relationship possible.
And when he strongly declined, said his NO, you did the right thing cutting contact, to make it possible for you to heal.
The title of your thread is “How to Love and Let Go?”- love is an emotional attachment. Letting go is withdrawing from that attachment. I would say then, that letting go means weakening that attachment to him, but not giving up on love. It can’t be with him, but it can be with someone else, later, when you are ready.
If I was single again, what I would do before getting involved with a man, is sort of interview the man repeatedly so to determine best I can if he is willing and able to have a committed, healthy relationship. Prevent this kind of pain…
I don’t know if this is the support you need, I hope so. Please do post again.
anita
March 3, 2017 at 7:43 pm #135541AParticipantHello again, Anita:
Thank you for your words, they do mean a great deal. He did in fact say, “I can see us getting Married.” I have been thinking all day about what you said, in terms of the time he was with her. That is practically his whole adult life, and keeping that in mind has helped me.
She was quite abusive, and he was very unhappy for a very long time. He now has an image of Marriage and Commitment as being nothing but hard work that “inevitably will end in flames.”
The whole situation is difficult as we care(d) for eachother very deeply. Having that connection, I can still feel what he is feeling, see what he is doing, and touch in on him energetically if I am not careful. I try to do this as little as possible, as it becomes an exercise in detaching and cutting bonds. Sometimes, particularly when I am overcome with grief, I can feel that it is actually him feeling this, and that is when it becomes a struggle.
I am learning how to let go and trust that he is OK, that above all of this he is held in peace and love. And that I am going to feel better soon, I need to feel better soon, and somehow still be able to Love him wholly, but release this attachment.
Thank You again for your feedback, and any other thoughts you may have are welcomed.
March 3, 2017 at 8:09 pm #135553AnonymousGuestDear A:
You are very welcome. If it helps, post anytime. When I am at the computer, I will reply (unless we get swallowed by the massive spamming of the last few days)
The love you are referring to is the Agape love (Christianity) or Metta: the compassion and universal loving-kindness concept in Buddhism, a selfless, non-attachment love. Not possible, I believe, in a personal, intimate relationship. But from afar, perhaps.
You wrote: ” I can still feel what he is feeling… Sometimes, particularly when I am overcome with grief, I can feel that it is actually him feeling this, and that is when it becomes a struggle.”-
These two lines clearly describe the nature of strong attachment. In your mind, when you feel the intensity of the attachment to him, there is no difference between you and him. It is as if you and him are one unit, feeling the same.
Your pain is evident in your words and I wish you were not in pain. I am sure you wish that too, of course. Take care of yourself these days, and nights. Be very gentle to yourself, kind.
Will be back in ten, twelve hours or so. Good night to you.
anita
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