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How to love my boyfriend to give him what he is missing

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #212111

    Calypso
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    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little under 2 years. He is kind and smart and treats me well. We aren’t able to talk through any issues we might have and our relationship is great.

    However, the deeper our relationship gets the more I realize how his parents didn’t fully love him as a child. That made him independent, but my heart still breaks for him. He has told me stories about how they didn’t support him or show the same love that they did for his sister. I see it now that they are adults too. My boyfriend is completely on his own and his sister gets whatever help she needs from them. It makes me frustrated. I want to be able to give him the love he is missing from them. What are ways I can do

    that? I also want to let go of this resentment I have toward his parents and his sister. I know they were doing the best they knew how, but I blame them for the insecurities he holds now.

    #212137

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Calypso:

    You have resentment toward his parents because they hurt him. He is hurt as a result of them mistreating him in the ways they did. He is angry at them too, this is why he told you the stories that he did. He has been angry at them (and jealous of his sister) for a long, long time.

    I suggest that you do not express to your boyfriend that his parents did their best and any such thought, that you don't encourage your boyfriend in any way to get together with his parents, or his sister, that you don't encourage him to reach out to them, to keep trying to get their love.

    I suggest you let him know that you are on his side, in his corner, that you let him know that you heard him, that you feel empathy for him, that you love him.

    Unfortunately, a girlfriend cannot easily make up for a lack of love in a man's early home, the love he didn't get from his parents. Not easily, but with time, being gentle with him, patient, never fighting (being assertive but not aggressive with him), providing him  a different kind of home (once you live with him) “will “give him what he is missing”

    Do make sure you are content in the relationship, that it works not only for him, but for you too.

    anita

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