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How to move on..

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  • August 23, 2013 at 8:11 am #41043
    Jen
    Participant

    Brief background: I have abandonment issues and have never had a strong male presence in my life. Due to that, I’m terrified of guys. I have only been in two relationships, both not even lasting a month. I’m always thinking I’m being put on the spot with them or that they’re ‘judging’ me and basically that I’m just not good enough in general.

    Now the story: I’ve known this guy for a year and we friends. He has been with a girl ever since I have known him, but I’ve fallen in love with him. I’ve tried to get over him, but I don’t want to lose the friendship by completely tossing him out of my life. There’s also the aspect that he hasn’t abandoned me yet that makes me pretty much cling onto him, which I’m also working in.

    Can you really just be friends with someone you’re in love with? How do you know if you’re actually in love with someone or in love with the thought of having the concept of a loving relationship?

    I guess I just don’t know how I can stop with the ‘fairy-tale wishing’ that things will magically work out between us and that I’ll get what I want from him? I’ve read enough articles on this site to know that I have to love myself first, but not having anyone to love me back is so heartbreaking that I don’t know what to do.

    August 23, 2013 at 4:36 pm #41074
    FrapaneseGirl
    Participant

    You have to get over him. It’s not healthy to hold on to these feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you, especially when that person is in a relationship with someone else. And if you’re too clingy, you may end up losing him as a friend too. Trust me, I learned that the hard way.

    If he’s a close friend, I would just be honest with him. Tell him you’re struggling with feelings for him and you need some time to yourself to get over it. Ask him not to contact you for a while. If he’s really your friend, he will understand. But if you’re not that close and you think it would be awkward to tell him, just become really busy. Then whatever happens, DO NOT contact him until the time period you’ve set is up. I would make it 3 months at least. I know this will be really difficult, but please trust me. If you feel yourself clinging to someone, you have to back away before it’s too late and things turn ugly. Clinginess always turns ugly.

    I think giving yourself the time and space to get over these feelings would be the most loving thing for you to do for yourself right now. Try to keep yourself busy, immerse yourself in work or hobbies or other interests, and be social with your platonic friends, even if you don’t feel like it at first. Find friends (not your guy friend) you can talk to about what you’re going through. Don’t try to do this alone.

    Also try dating, even if you don’t feel like it. And try not to take it too seriously. Keep yourself open to the possibility that there are a ton of different guys out there who could each potentially be a good partner for you (because it’s true)! You have nothing to worry about. You’ll only be lonely if you act lonely.

    I wrote this as if I were writing to myself, because your post struck a chord with me due to something I went through recently. So I don’t know if it will all be relevant to you, because you’re not me and I don’t know you. But I totally understand what it’s like to have that feeling of never being good enough for guys, and that fear of ending up alone. You are not the only person who feels this way.

    August 24, 2013 at 8:37 am #41091
    Marilyn Briant-Rockmore
    Participant

    Dear Jen,

    I can’t answer if you can just be friends with someone you’ve fallen in love with,because I always seemed to fall in love with men and then realize I didn’t like them much – friendship didn’t develop and the relationships fell apart. Beginning with friendship seems like a much better idea…

    Maybe you can think you are in love with someone because you are good friends and like the idea of a loving relationship, but to me what your feelings seem to be telling you is that what you want from someone else is really what you want from yourself.

    I spent a long time believing that I could only be happy if someone else loved me, but now I know that it wasn’t true. I had to find out that it was just not possible to really love anyone else because I didn’t love myself. And I expect the reason you are reading about needing to love yourself in other articles on this website is because there are many of us who have come to accept this truth.

    What often happens when we decIde to listen to what our heart is telling us, is that in focusing on ourselves instead of others in our lives, we get to know and love who we are. The law of attraction which seems to work so well–we attract people who don’t love us, because we don’t love ourselves, then operates in the same way, except that because we now love ourselves, we attract loving people who are drawn to us because of the changes we have made inisde…

    I have found as soon as I let go of needing something, I seem to attract whatever I want into my life…

    Love and peace,

    Marilyn

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