I’m having a difficult time reconciling some feelings of being used by someone I trusted.  Recently my high school boyfriend came back in to my life. We had a dramatic relationship in high school and I did not think/really speak to him for 15 years which I was fine with. Our connection has always been very very sexual – we have very strong sexual chemistry, but otherwise, I don’t think we get along that well.

He reached out to me and we began talking. He seemed so different than his younger self – so kind, thoughtful, compassionate – that I decided I wanted to get to know him as an adult.

Our conversations quickly turned sexual, but we couldn’t seem to help it. However I think we were both seeking comfort in each other as we had both been through very traumatic breakups. We seemed able to maintain the sexual component (over the phone and text) of our relationship and also a friendship as well.  I knew that I did not have romantic feelings for him but I know that I liked the attention/comfort.

This went on for a couple of months. Then things shifted. He began to be a bit hostile with me. Blunt, rude, he would say things that were rude, he was aggressive in a nasty way, etc.  Our phone calls/communication slowed, but I didn’t really think much of it. We still had a very strong sexual connection and it was fun to have those conversations. I felt desired, sexy and frankly, I enjoyed them and I know he did as well.

Occasionally I would try and discuss friendship with him and the state of our friendship and that seemed to aggravate him. He would avoid the topic or say everything was great. I would try and talk to him about women he could date, which seemed to agitate him and he definitely never wanted to hear about men I would/could date as that seemed to always piss him off. My assumption was that his attitude had to do with his wife cheating on him and the thought of someone he had been intimate with, being with someone else, much more than it had anything to do with me.

He would tell me things like he cared about me, wanted me to reach out to him for comfort, that he wished he had known that we were home at the same time (we live in two different states so our communication is strictly phone/text) because I could have “moved in” with him during the time I was home and we could have “played house”. He would reminisce about high school and memories, etc.  But he would quickly go from saying these kind things to ignoring me/giving me attitude, being nasty. Again, my assumption was that he was just going through a lot and not sure how to deal with it.

Then a shift happened. He stopped reaching out to me, I always had to reach out to him first. He didn’t ever initiate anything. So I would reach out to him to send him funny things, ask how he is doing, etc. and he would always respond. I thought that we had a friendship and these are the things I do with my friends.

I let him know that I would be home for three weeks and would he like to get together. He said yes and of course he inquired about sex (it would be the first time he saw me in 15 years) but we decided that a platonic meeting was best, which I was happy about.

We continued to have our sexual conversations and then the day I was coming home he asked me if I wanted to go to a hotel with him. I told him to let me get home and then we can talk about things. I told him that I could not see him that week (which was true) but could the next two weeks.  I asked him if he had plans the next two weeks and he said he had NONE.  The “assumption” on both parts was that we would sleep together. Then two days later I reached out to him and he was being SUPER awkward, very strange. I asked him something about sex and he was so strange about it and then that triggered a ton of anxiety and insecurity in me because I could tell something was up. So I called him because texting gets confusing/allows for miscommunication and he was at the gym (I didn’t know that) so he couldn’t really talk. So like a total weirdo, I let my anxiety take hold and I continued to text him all day, mostly about sex, and it was weird.

So I decided that sex was NOT going to be a good idea and two days later I reached out to him to ask if he wanted to grab lunch or an early dinner when he returned from his weekend trip. He told me that “tentatively sounds good”, so I asked him if he all of a sudden had plans and he would not answer me. So I told him that I assumed I would see him on Thursday and he said “Sure” – I told him it was a yes/no and he wouldn’t answer me. Finally he text me back and said that he would “send me his schedule” when he returned, of which, he already told me he had zero plans.

So the Monday he returned I text him to ask about his schedule and got no response which is SUPER strange for him, he ALWAYS responds.  So a few hours later I called and left a message, but got no response which again is SUPER weird.  That night he was liking things on my Instagram, so I know that he was on his phone.

The next morning I ran in to him as I was leaving the gym (this was the first time I had seen him in 15 years) and he was excited but acting SO STRANGE. He was smiling, but kept looking down and fidgeting. I asked him about his schedule and he had excuses for everything. He also told me his phone was “acting up” so he “wasn’t getting messages.”  Finally I asked if he had plans that night and he said no, and I suggested dinner and he agreed, then said he was getting his phone fixed after he left the gym and would call me.

Then a half and hour later I get a text that reads:

“So that was awkward. It’s my fault. I went out with someone a couple times last week and saw her last night. I don’t know where it is going.”  So I text him and told him I didn’t know what that had to do with him being awkward and I don’t know what that has to do with us going to lunch or dinner.  He did not respond.  So, I called him and he text back and told me “I can’t get calls.”  So I told him I was starting to get upset and that I didn’t understand why we can’t sit and have lunch and that he’s more than welcome to invite her, I didn’t mind at all (and I would not have minded).

No response.

So at this point I really don’t know if his phone is broken, is he getting these texts (because remember he ALWAYS used to text back, respond, he never just didn’t respond), what that text has to do with getting lunch and if we have plans or not.  I have no idea what’s happening and am super confused.

So on my way home from errands I stop at his house to ask what the deal with dinner was. This infuriated him. Big time. He was horrified that I stopped by and in hindsight I understand why. He admitted that he was trying to avoid me but I didn’t actually realize that.  Had I realized that, I wouldn’t have stopped by. I genuinely thought his phone was busted and he wasn’t getting my messages and I seriously just wanted to know about dinner. I would do the same with any friend that told me we were going to go to dinner but their phone was broken.  He was SO angry. It’s all he could talk about the entire time, he just kept saying, “I can’t believe you just stopped by.”  “I can’t believe you just showed up.”

So I tried to talk to him about our friendship and ask what the hell was happening. I told him I guess I thought we were better friends than we were and maybe we just didn’t make good friends. He finally admitted that he didn’t want to actually see me because he knew that no matter what we would have so much fun and so much laughs and that we would end up having sex no matter what (this was NOT my plan, by the way). I told him that it was just lunch/dinner, that was it and that I didn’t care about sex and he insisted that it would happen and he didn’t want to “lead me on” because when I called him that day when he was at the gym he thought I seemed “fragile.”

Then he mentioned that he didn’t know where it was going with this person.  (Keep in mind that he asked me to go to a hotel on Monday, which means he went out with her on Tuesday so, something is shady there).  I asked about her (because I would ask any friend about someone they like/are seeing because at this point I still think we are friends) and he just shrugged and said, “She’s okay” and I asked if she was fun, funny, nice, etc. and he said, “She’s not that funny…” So I ask her name and what does she do and it was the same name and job as a girl he was seeing about 6 months before but stopped seeing after a few dates because it “just wasn’t there” and he “wasn’t in to her as a package” and he knew “right off the bat” but because she wanted to have sex with him, he was in to it.  He also told me that after they slept together she told him she thought he was her soulmate.

So I say, “Oh!  It’s the girl you were seeing before” and he says, “No, it’s a different one…” (which was a lie).

Anyhow, I keep trying to talk to him, to ask him what the hell had happened to this friendship and why did he think we couldn’t maintain a friendship and he had no response for me. He just kept saying, “I can’t believe you just showed up…” He was so angry.  It was so horrible and awkward.  I told him this all felt horrible and I thought it was a bummer.  He insisted then that I wanted something from him and that I showed up that day to have sex with him (which I absolutely did NOT).  Finally he said, “I think this has run it’s course” and I agreed, he walked me out, told me I was a great person, we hugged and I left.

Then I sent him a text when I got home that simply stated that I think we revert to being 20 years old when we are around each other and it’s just not healthy. That he thinks of me as fragile and needy and I think he just wants to screw me and use me and that it’s a terrible dynamic.  That I wished it were different, but it’s just not.

Then I thanked him for the nicer phone conversations that we had early on. That I thought of those as authentic moments of friendship and that even though we don’t seem to work well in each other’s lives, I’m glad we had those genuine conversations.

Then I wished him luck, told him to take care of himself and told him he’s going to be just fine in life.

I sent the message and then blocked him on my phone and cut him off of all social media. I made the decision because I felt that he is not healthy for me and never will be.  This was all so messy, dramatic and unhealthy.  I feel used, disposed of, lied to and I feel that he really wanted me to trust him and when I gave in, he betrayed that trust.

I’m disappointed in myself for putting myself in this situation which was so similar to the situation when we were 20 (we are 37 now). I feel disappointed that I didn’t realize what was really happening and that he didn’t honestly care about being friends or that I didn’t realize that he was trying to avoid me/blow me off. I feel embarrassed that I showed up at his home (I really didn’t think it was strange at the time) and I just feel upset about the entire months of interaction in general.  All the raunchy sex talk makes me feel sick and just as used as had we been together in person.

I’m having a hard time reconciling these things and understanding what happened and how to let go off these icky feelings and move on.

Any words/encouragement/advice on how to resolve this within myself would be so appreciated…