I desperately need advice on how to overcome what I perceive to be a selfish and guilt-motivated obsession with my ex-boyfriend. I would appreciate if you pass no harsh judgement on me. I am fully aware that what I did to all of the people involved was cruel and unnecessary and I’ve cried, repented and committed to changing my life to the best of my ability. I am now in therapy and currently taking anti-depressants to combat my irrational moods. I’m taking the first steps.

As for my predicament… My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 2 years and during this time I cheated on him with three other men… but it wasn’t just sex. These were secret relationships. I will spare the details of each situation (unless exposing them is considered beneficial…) and continue. I was constantly ending our relationship – the first time it was because, after two months of dating, I became interested in another man. Still, he was quite in love with me already and a month later we were together again. The passion from our reuniting fizzled and less than a month later I was seeing someone else. This time, I didn’t break things off with my ex. He was suspicious – as was my new partner – and ultimately, after 6 months of hiding them from one another, the relationship with this new man imploded and things with my boyfriend returned to normal. He didn’t know about this relationship until months later when I laid everything on the table. During this short lived relationship with the outsider, I did try to break up with my ex a second time but for some reason I went back on my word and we vowed to give things another try the very next day. I continued dating both men until the aforementioned “implosion”. After this second secret relationship ended, my ex and I were happy for a few more months… then I found someone else. He offered me a job a few hours away and I took it, meanwhile we started seeing each other and all the while my boyfriend and I maintained a long distance relationship. The man I had moved so far to be with ended up exposing our relationship to my ex, but for all the wrong reasons. He meant to get him out of the picture so the two of us could be together and it ended up with the two of them vying for my affection. I was unsure of what to do but would spend my nights longing for my ex, even with this other man trying to fight his way into my bed. I ended up moving home, but only after letting my ex know all of my past transgressions and deceptions. I promised to be true to him and I really felt like this was it. For the first time in our relationship we were talking about actual emotional progress being made. We were talking about marriage. We got a place together and for the first few months I was over the moon… until a face from my past re-appeared. This time I didn’t cheat. I broke up with him yet again. This time he couldn’t let himself open up his heart to me again. I don’t blame him! I was very sick. I was selfish and cold.

His feelings for me remained strong and we continued to live together and offer each other comfort and affection but were no longer a couple. I secretly went on a few dates with the face from my past but he ended up losing interest.

Instead of returning to my ex like I normally would, I ended up meeting someone else. An old acquaintance. We were casually dating, again in secret… I still live with my ex and didn’t want him finding out… and then HIS ex girlfriend started coming around.

I was instantly overwhelmed by feelings of rage, jealousy, rejection and fear. They weren’t even dating. In fact, they maintain a platonic friendship to this day. But still, I feel so threatened by her. So hurt and betrayed by him. All the while, I know this is lunacy. I have no reason to feel so attacked. I tried to end my life over it. I ended up on anti-depressants and in therapy over it. Simply over the THOUGHT, the mere IDEA that he might not be so obsessed with me anymore. That his undying love and attention could be given to someone else.

It’s been several months and we are trying our best to maintain a friendship. He is a loving and forgiving soul and seeing him behave so nobly makes me want to be a better person.

Please, I need help. How do I stop this cycle of selfishness? How do I allow myself to let him find happiness and seek love from others? What is keeping me so jealous, bitter and obsessed with him and his every move? I know I don’t want to be with him so why can’t I let him go?

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.