Dear nycartist:

The very insightful teaK asked an excellent question and made an excellent suggestion: “what do you feel you need from those people..? identify what it is that you need from them, I believe it would help you process it and move on”-

Your answer to her question, paraphrased, with a quote, is that you need the following from these two individuals: (1) to adopt your pacifist belief that “the world needs peace, and everyone should learn to get along”,  (2) to make it possible for you to be a successful peacekeeper , (2) In regard to your uncle- to make it possible for you to experience less awkwardness when interacting with his wife (your aunt) and with his children (your cousins).

Here is my answer to the same question: you are very scared when people are angry at you, and what you need from these two individuals is that they will no longer be angry at you.

My answer is based on what you shared Dec 3 last year: “I am so afraid of making someone angry.. this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me… The idea that someone is going to think ill of me is almost unbearable.. it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me”.

Everyone is afraid of others’ anger, but your fear is more intense than others’. A clue as to why is that when you were a child, your mother had “some really horrific boyfriends”, including one about whom you wrote this: “one jerk used to light matches in my face and terrify me!”

Angry people can do horrible things when angry, and you experienced it in ways that understandably scared you a whole lot, leading you to be intensely afraid of anyone being angry at you to any extent and for any length of time.

In your original post here, you asked regarding your uncle and former friend: “Are they truly something I need? Or is it just the thought of someone being displeased with me.. gnawing away at some part of me?”- I believe it’s the second: the possibility of someone displeased/ angry at you is gnawing away at the scared little girl in you.

anita

Dear NYC Artist,

you’re welcome. I’d like to acknowledge you for the fact that in spite of the abuse you’ve experienced in your childhood, you’re not tolerating it in your adult life:

It’s not a matter of pride at all, but again, self preservation. I’ve grown up with abuse and it feels strange to me to not accept that behaviour.

This is huge, it’s a proof of your strength and the ability to self-preserve and love yourself. I understand you also have a very good husband, which too stands as a proof that the childhood abuse hasn’t ruined your capacity for self-love, self-respect and self-preservation. That’s admirable!

What might be happening is that the little girl is still seeking to change her mother and her early care-takers, so that she does get the love and care she needed. So that she could experience peace that she never had in her childhood home. What if your craving for peace in the world is fueled by the same desire – to have peace and love in your own family home? A part of you still seems to look  for that peace outside and depends on other people to provide it for you. Even on political leaders. But of course, the attempt is futile, they can never ensure the peace you’re longing for. The answer is to create that peace and love – that safe, loving space – within yourself.

What do you think? Is there a chance that this is what might be happening within you?

Dear nycartist:

You are welcome. About war and peace, you wrote: “they ‘MUST’ see that they were wrong and come back to make peace”. The definition of the word peace is: the absence of war, the absence, or freedom from war, violence and conflict.

To have peace with your former friend and uncle then, does not mean to be friends with them/ to have good relationships with them. It simply means to not be engaged in war with them. So, if they are absent from your life and there are no interactions with them, good or bad, then.. there is peace with them already, as is.

anita