Ella,

I recall an argument, spirited debate if you will, with my ex. I do not, to this day, and really don’t care to know, what the original argument was about. She had this proclivity of hauling around her personal trash and pick and choose what and how much trash she would fling at me. …for explanation about this see end of this paragraph…anyway during the argument she said, “You could care less about me or our relationship!” I asked her where that came from even though I knew it was part of the trash she had been hauling around. She said, “You just don’t care about me because you are not jealous!” I said, ” The reason I am not jealous is because I DO care about our relationship.” I just do not know how to be jealous. I told this once to a female friend of mine and she said, “Let’s practice being jealous.” I couldn’t even fake that. I introduced my now ex to my step-father and his wife. He did, and she still does, practice forensic psychology. My step-father, who has since passed away, and his wife told me that she is textbook narcissistic. I asked them both how they both knew so soon since it was the first time they both met her. They both said that they knew in the first 15 minutes of talking to her.

IMHO, jealousy is one of the most, if not THE most destructive element that can be introduced into a relationship. Jealousy is a multidimensional cognitive, emotional, behavioral and interpersonal phenomenon. Jealousy can be a destructive and often dangerous emotional and interpersonal response to threats to a valued relationship. When we are jealous we worry that our partner might find someone else more appealing and we fear that he or she will reject us. Since we feel threatened that our partner might find someone more attractive, we may activate jealousy as a way to cope with this threat. We may believe that our jealousy may keep us from being surprised, help us defend our rights, and force our partner to give up interests elsewhere. We may also think that our jealousy can motivate us to give up on the relationship—so that we don’t get hurt any more. If you are feeling jealous, it’s important to ask yourself what you hope to gain by your jealousy. Jealousy is viewed as a coping strategy. One problem with that is that it focuses on the negative instead of the positive. Within the psychology community jealousy is viewed as deep seated insecurities. To understand where these insecurities all one has to do is understand the family dynamics of ones’ upbringing. It’s important to realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your jealous behavior—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting-out. For many I think it is fine to accept jealousy as feelings you have, for whatever reason, but to act on that emotion is different. Relationships have ended, people have been killed, because of acting on jealousy. It’s important to realize that your relationship is more likely to be jeopardized by your jealous behavior—such as continual accusations, reassurance-seeking, pouting, and acting-out. I can assure you that, at least for me, for a g/f  I might have, being possessive is smothering and makes me question my relationship. We have all seen relationships end because of jealousy. I understand that jealousy can also reflect high self-esteem : “I won’t allow myself to be treated this way.”

So now what? Accept and observe your jealous thoughts and feelings but be cautious if you choose to act on it. I may suggest that you step out of your comfort zone and be the one to suggest you go out together, perhaps with some friends. If you observe behavior from your b/f and/or your friends when you are out that evokes jealousy, speak to him upfront in a very concerned yet caring way how it bothers you. I know that in by doing so, at east with me, this would get my attention and motivate me to be more reassuring.

Pearce

Ella,

I do not think at all that you are a bad person. No way at all. I absolutely do think you can change if you want. Change is good. And I absolutely know you can change. Just don’t do it on somebody else’s time schedule or by how THEY think you should be. Take your time because it will take time. What I see in your post is a very strong woman. The low self esteem started back in the day when you were born. Family dynamics plays a HUGE role on this. I had self esteem problems myself for years and after a while my low self esteem started to wither away to the point where it is gone, got, gone. I realized that my exposure to elements in my upbringing were all lies, that my low self esteem was credited to believing all the lies my step-dad told me. So I decided to make a decision and create who I wanted to be and how I wanted to go about it. We all have a Phoenix inside us my friend. Resurrect it and define who you want to be and how you are going to do it. Identify, if you can, those things in your upbringing that created and nurtured your low self esteem and confront them head on. Because you have the absolute right to change your mind. My favorite line in Good Will Hunting is “it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault…” Bring out that amazingly good stuff within you and go for it.

“Your time has come, to shine, all your dreams are on their way. See how they shine.”

🙂

Pearce