How to stop hoping to get back together with an ex?

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This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 10 months, 1 week ago.

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    I just recently had a circumstantial break up with someone. The break up was purely because he was going to move college and is going on a mandatory military service in 2018 or 2019 for 2 years. He decided to break it off before we go any further because he doesn't see the relationship going anywhere. He mentioned it was too hard for him to be in a relationship, maintaining his GPA, preparing for new college and also his concerns regarding military service that he is very much afraid of. To put it simply, he is not in a situation for any kind of long term commitment with anyone right now.

    We broke up on good terms. I accepted his reasons. I cried and lost weight for about 2 weeks, but now I am getting over it slowly but surely. It is just that there is something that really caught me up. It is the fact that we broke up NOT because we did not love each other anymore or because of the difference of our personality or any other compatibility reasons, it is because of the circumstances.

    It is the “what ifs?” that truly kills me. What if we had met each other in the right circumstances? Would we last? Is he “the one” for me if we had met under the right circumstances?

    Most importantly – if we meet again in the next 5-6 years as adults, in a new circumstances – would we get back together? I would really like it if I can stop feeling and hoping for a love that has ended. I am ready for a new relationship someday but I do not want to keep having hopes that we will get back together someday. I want to believe that our relationship has ended for good.

    Any advice would be appreciated.





    Dear Mina:

    Regarding the “what ifs”- if the circumstances were different… you can build, in your mind, an alternative universe for each what-if, and not only with him. You go about your day, a nice looking young man smiles at you while you are distracted and didn't smile back. Later you regret not smiling back: what-if I smiled back? Maybe a wonderful friendship, maybe a lifelong relationship would have followed my smiling back?

    Thinking this way is ineffective. You build possible scenarios of what-ifs, positive and alluring, but highly impractical.


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