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how to trust again

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  • #402986
    ElliR
    Participant

    hi Annita,

    hope you are well..

    I am now facing trusting issues with my fiancé. More specifically we are together almost 2,5 years and lately I found out that he was stalking his ex girlfriend facebook page. I didnt knew that the specific girl was his ex hence they are friends on social media. I started feeling that something going wrong from the time I saw that was the first person on his searching list. Once I realized that and I ask him what that girl was to him, at the first he denied and then he started say that was his ex. From that time, I cannot find me peace and I am full of negative thoughts that maybe something happening behind my back and don’t know about it. He have discussed, I ask him if he had feelings for her, of course he denied and he suggested to block her from Facebook, something that happened. But I am not feeling safe to trust him although now he is show me his love, having future plans with me as before happens that etc. Please note that this girl is from his village and I was saw her a lot of times. On her side, she was always welcoming me when we were met in parties or occasions. I am feeling fool and stupid that I didn’t understand this earlier and I dont know If they have communication again. How I will understand if this is true? What Should I pay attention? And more important, what is the best for me to do? I am feeling so confused and frustrated and I dont know what to do. I am having second thoughts to break up with him, although we are going to get married next year. Could please give me some light to my situation?

    #403000
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ElliR:

    I am well, thank you, and good to read from you again! Last time you posted was on January 9, 2020, a bit over 2.5 years ago. You shared today that you have a fiancé (congratulations! you must have met him shortly after your last post). Recently you found out that his ex-girlfriend (whom you met and who “was always welcoming” to you) was “the first person on his searching list” on Facebook. You asked him about it, he denied, then admitted it and then he blocked her from his Facebook account.

    what is the best for me to do? I am feeling so confused and frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I am having second thoughts to break up with him, although we are going to get married next year. Could please give me some light to my situation?“-

    -From the information you gave me, I don’t feel alarmed about the situation. On one hand, I understand that you are distressed: it’s understandable that any woman will be distressed finding out that her boyfriend or fiancé, or husband frequently followed another woman on social media, ex or not.

    On the other hand, it is too easy to follow someone on Facebook: it takes seconds and the only effort required is moving the fingers on a key board. So, it’s not like he climbed mountains and crossed deserts so to check on her.

    I am guessing that he was bored and he was in the habit of checking on her on Facebook. It is difficult to break habits, including habits that are not motivated by strong emotion. Once a habit is formed, it often takes a life of its own, becoming almost automatic, and this may be what’s behind him checking on her on Facebook.

    It is a good thing that he blocked her: seems like what he needed to stop what I suspect to have been a habit,  was an interruption from the outside- and you provided the needed interruption.

    What do you think about what I am suggesting here?

    anita

    #403122
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, ElliR?

    anita

    #403141
    ElliR
    Participant

    Hi Annita,

    thank you for your reply to me.

     

    so you think that there is no reason to worry for this situation? I was felt betrayed to be honest like I wasnt enough for him making him to search for her to social media. Ok then, i will not pay enough attention to this matter. Thanks.

     

    how about her? Why she reacts like this when she sees me? Like she want to become a friend of mine? Its not weird? I never showed her that i wanted to be a friend with her. On her side she tries it a lot.

    xx

    elli

    #403146
    anita
    Participant

    Dear elli:

    You are welcome. “I am full of negative thoughts that maybe something is happening behind my back… Why she reacts like this when she sees me? Like she wants to become a friend of mine? It’s not weird? I never showed her that I wanted to be friends with her. On her side she tries it a lot” –

    – you are thinking that maybe she’s been so nice to you because she is trying to cover up the fact that she is having some kind of a relationship with your fiancé behind your back, that she is feeling guilty about it, and/ or she is trying to deceive you. This is one possibility, but there are other possibilities: 1) She is a friendly person with lots of people and you are one of the people with whom she is friendly, 2) You, as a fiancée, you feel weird about seeing your fiancé’s ex-girlfriend, and maybe your weird feeling shows on your face. She  feels weird about seeing you, and maybe she notices a  discomfort in your face, so she reacts by acting excessively friendly to you.

    We can try to figure this out further, if you want: 1) Do you know Who initiated their breakup and Why? 2) Do you know if she’s been dating for the purpose of getting married since their breakup? 3) How did the idea of marriage come about between you and your fiancé, Why is he interested in getting married in general, and Why is he interested in marrying you specifically?

    Another question I had in mind (and take your time with this long and thorough post and all these questions): if during your relationship with your boyfriend-turned-fiancé, he’s been talking to her on the phone and meeting her in-person behind your back, just him and her … why would he need to repeatedly and daily check her Facebook page? It seems to me- and I don’t have a Facebook account myself- that repeatedly checking her Facebook page suggests a lack of contact otherwise (on the phone and in-person)?

    From what I observed about other people’s use of Facebook, it easily becomes a habit, which I suggested to you earlier as a likely explanation to why he’s been frequently checking her Facebook page (before blocking her).

    And now, about Trust: on June 24, 2022 (your original post here), you wrote: “I am now facing trusting issues with my fiancé… I am not feeling safe to trust him, although now he is showing me his love, having future plans with me”.

    Back in February 5, 2019, you wrote on another thread: “I am full of fears, I fear to meet a new guy, to have family, kids etc…  I cannot even imagine a guy with me, I afraid to trust anymore“. Feb 27, 2019: “Yes I am afraid, a lot..  (my) narcissist mother… was always comparing myself with other girls of my age at school, that they were better than me… that I always made poor choices in my relationships.. the first person to criticize me”.

    January 6-9, 2020, a bit more than 2.5 years ago, just before you met your current fiancé: “I am currently not met any person and I am feeling alone… I recognise the effect that my mother had on me… even though I saying a lot of times the word married etc., is because yes of my thoughts of being unsuccessful in that part, that yes I will make poor choices and yes to be again the girl who make all the things wrong”-

    – it is obvious that your mother instilled in you the core beliefs that other girls/ women your age are better than you, that you make poor choices in relationships (and otherwise), and that you do things wrong.

    As a result of living with these core beliefs, it is no wonder that you experience fears and distrust: fears about making poor choices, about doing things wrong, distrust in your ability to make good choices in relationships and otherwise, distrust in the man you are with to be right for marriage.

    No wonder that when you found out that your fiancé repeatedly checked his ex’s Facebook page, you jumped to the conclusion that indeed you made a poor choice in him and that he is the wrong man to marry (“I am having second thoughts to break up with him”, June 24, 2022), and no wonder that you are suspicious that he has a relationship with his ex.  Even if you were with the most honest man and the best candidate for marriage in the whole world, these fears and this distrust will awaken sooner than later  because these fears and distrust have been instilled in your brain by your mother.

    You closed your last post on your previous thread (Jan 9, 2020) with: “I just need a motivator, a person to remind me the simple things in life and the hope that everything will be alright” – I will be glad to be the person to motivate you, here on your thread, to remind you of the simple things in life, one of which is that… mothers aren’t always right. Far from it: too often they are wrong. Your mother criticized you not because you were  likely to make poor choices any more than your peers, but because she felt like criticizing you, that was her emotional need: it was about her, not about you.

    You couldn’t understand this when you were a child because a child is not capable of such mature understanding. But you are capable of it now. It is difficult and it takes a long time to thoroughly understand and change negative and damaging core beliefs, but it is possible, and you can do it. As you change these core beliefs… things will be alright.

    anita

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