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Hurting someone in the long run

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  • #377592
    Erin
    Participant

    I was in a polyamorous relationship for almost 3 years, but no matter how much I tried not to I loved one more than the other. This scared me and I constantly wanted to love both of them equally, so when I could not do that I would panic. We broke up yesterday and I am now realizing just how much damage I did. I made a huge mistake because I could not do both. I felt like I loved him but it was just a different love. It was never equal and I regret that. Now I am going to try to change and re evaluate what I want in my life. I hope one day I can make up for what I did. This entire situation is complicated beyond belief and my head is spinning.

    #377602
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Erin:

    “This entire situation is complicated beyond belief”- a big part of the complication will resolve if you can see that it is not that you failed (to love both people equally), but that it is not possible to love two people equally.

    You can slice a cake to equal size portions, but you cannot slice your heart/ emotions into equal-size portions.

    Your polyamorous experiment failed: it caused you fear, panic, guilt, regret and your head is spinning. Perhaps a mono-amorous aka monogamous relationship is a better choice for you (?)

    anita

    #377603
    Erin
    Participant

    It was possible for them, they share their heart with so many but mine only wants one at a time. I do think a monogomous relationship would be better when i am ready, but it is sad to know i was the only one. Thank you

    #377604
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Erin:

    You are welcome. I don’t think it was possible for the other two to love each other equally. More likely, what happened is that (if one is to grade the intensity of love in percentages), you loved one 90% and the other, 50%, while each one of the other two loved one around 50% and the other around 55%. The difference of love for you was 40% and for the other two, 5%.

    anita

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