hurting to communicate with the father of my son

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 year, 1 month ago.

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    I met the father of my child in 2012, he was new at work aand we fell in love with each other. I was not entirely single when we met, I was dating but it was new and we bother agreed that we were just trying out the relationship. I started dating the father of my child whilest have not break off the relationship I had and I told him that I have not yet broken up with the other guy. we agreed that I will be gentle to him and talk to him without just dropping him off. I successfully broke up with that guy and I was fully dating the father of mu child. He never trusted me, because I cheates on the previous guy, he was always saying I would do the same to him, even when I have explai.dd to him that out relationship with tje other guy was never serious. I then chose to overlook such things and we moved on. He was very close to me, he would even argue when he sees me wearing something new, asking me when did I buy it and how come he was never there. I thought those were just things that comes with the relationship.

    He was a great guy, treating me well and supporting me. I then fell pregnant, we were both very happy, he was spending on me for medical bills, all other things I needed. then we had a baby boy and things started to change. we were distant as I was now caring much for the baby. the relationship was hot and cold. he loves his child so much and could do anything for him. with our ups and downs we tried to make it work but there was just anger and hate between us. my contract at the company we both worked at expired and got a job at another company. He bought a new car and started to change a lot. one thing I should mention is that he was not from my town which is the town we were working at and living. he was from another town and only came because of work. when he bought a car he started going to his hometown a lot even during weekdays after work.He started to post photos of him and his ex-girlfriend at movies, at soccer games and driving around. With me I was always had to take out money for fuel if I want to go around in his car, and always had excuses when we where suppose to use his car even for the baby purpose. life became too great for him at his hometown that he broke up with me and later resigned from his job. I went to him and askes him if he is sure he want to resign because in our country it is very difficult to get another job, he said to me not when he is seriously looking for a job, he wont spend more than three months looking for a job. I was not permanent at work and I had fear of raising a child as single mother. I communicated that with him, and all he said was that I will be fine, that was so hurting, he did not care what happens to me or how I will raise that child, something was on my throad and I couldnt further that conversation. the week he was leaving I made out with him thinking that will change his mind, he was constantly on the phone with his ex-girlfriend the whole night, I was more hurt.

    He moved to his hometown which is about 55 kilometre from my town. it was in 2015 and our sone was 1year six months. I was crying myself to sleep everyday, especially when I look at my son. I never imagen myself being a single mother. I was very angry and confused, we used to exchange very hurtful words for about a month after he moved. I later found tiny buddah and started to read it everyday new posts. it was the pillar to me, it started building me, especially about loving myself. I did not date from 2015 until late 2016. I dont know if I have properly healed from that relationship or not. he does not see his child its been two years now. he only calls. always saying he does not have money to come visit him. since he left the job in 2015 he has not found any job. he is been unemployed. recently at the company he worked at, they told me that someone is leaving at the position he was at and if he is interested he can come back because he was an excellent worker and they hears he has not found a job. That company is one of the big banks that everyone wish to work for and they wanted him back, which for me I believe is luck or blessing or something special.

    I called him to tell him the news, and first it was his girlfriend on the phone answering, I got angry and hanged up. he then called me back and I ignored his calls, he called me the whole day until I answered his call, he asked me what is it, is there something wrong with the child and I said no, and I said he must never mind my call and we both hanged up. then later that day we were chatting on whatsapp, I told him why I called, then he told me he does not work at my town, and I was hurt very hurt, I told him that he only want to stay and co-hebit with a girl, and not intereated in helping me to raise a child. he is been unemployed for two years and he has the resposibility of raising a child, for me I see him as not having much choice but to take the job. he told me that he rather be unemployed than to work there, he want to be close to his girlfriend.

    I am struggling financially with the child and I also went back to study part time at the unicersity, and also support my parents. our conversation was very hurting that I cried and felt like I went ten steps back to how I was feeling when he left. every time I have a conversation with him it ends up with me being very hurt. I cannot stop talking to him as he is the father of my child. I sometimes dont discuss other things about the child because he end up saying things that hurts me. I want my child to know him and have a relationship with him, but I struggle to include him in his life.

    I am not sure what to do, all I want is the best for my son, the support from him. all he say is he was supporting me, and now that he cant I try to make him feel like he cannot support his child, and I know when he is working he support his child. but what about in the meantime?? I want to peacefully move away from this situation and I dont know how, it is emotionally draining me.
    anything that can help me move away and raise my child with no expectations from him



    Dear Jay-me:

    Welcome back!

    You wrote: ” I cannot stop talking to him as he is the father of my child…I want my child to know him and have a relationship with him, but I struggle to include him in his life”-

    but the father of your child didn’t see his very young child for two years! So there is no relationship between father and son. In reality, he is only a biological father, not a father in practice. In reality you are a single mother. You don’t even get financial support from the biological father.

    And so, there is no reason for you to be in contact with the child’s biological father. There is no reason for you to place yourself in situations where you get hurt. Nothing good comes of it.

    It would be less “emotionally draining” for you if you fit your expectations, and your choices, to Reality: you are a single mother.

    If in the future he works, and if there is or will be a way to legally make him contribute financially to the raising of your child- then make the legal steps toward it. Otherwise, there is no reason for you to communicate with him and get hurt.




    thank you very much anita,
    I always want to inform him of what is going on with his child, as he is also always calling to hear how is he doing, but us talking end up hurting, should I say he must stop calling or should I just ignore his calls?? I dont know how to avoid him altogether. I recently have thoughts that maybe I have not completely moved on. especially how I reacred when his girlfriend answered the phone. and also how I reacted when he turned down the job offer at my home town. I wish I can really get out of this situation completely. am already used to being a single parent, but I also feel selfish by saying that as I always have a believe that he will one day have relationship with him. maybe I am lying to myself hence I need a complete move on, but such conversations we have take me back, and slow my progress of moving on.



    Dear Jay-me:

    You wrote: “I always want to inform him of what is going on with his child, as he is also always calling to hear how is he doing”-

    For what purpose do you want to inform him about his child? Informing him makes no difference to your child as there is no relationship between him and the man. If the man was financing his child, maybe I would see a reason to inform him of anything. But without a relationship and without any financial help, there is no benefit to your child from such informing.

    As to his calling to hear how the child is doing, again: how does this benefit his child? It does not.

    The man is an uncaring and irresponsible father. He probably feels better that you inform him and he probably feels he is a good father for calling and asking. And so, he feels okay that he doesn’t work and doesn’t support the child financially, that he doesn’t see him for two years…

    By informing him and answering his calls you help him feel okay about the way things are, and so, you are only hurting yourself. Maybe if you didn’t inform him and didn’t answer his calls, maybe then he will feel a bit uncomfortable and motivated to practically be a father in some way. Maybe.

    My recommendation therefore: stop all contact with the man. Except through an attorney if legal action is possible.



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