Dear Gigi:

It is possible that your husband stopped communicating with you because it became a frustrating task, one that didn’t result in positive outcomes for him, or if it did, only temporary. He may be passionate about his work because there he received positive outcomes and so, he is motivated to continue his work, excitedly anticipating more of those outcomes/ rewards.

For as long as you consider the marriage as something you want to continue, better start communicating in a different way, in a way that will reward him.

If you want, you can give me an example of an attempted communication with him, what you say, how you say it, in what circumstance and how he responds. I may then be able to suggest to you a different way to attempt effective communication with him.

anita

* Dear Chloe:

You are welcome.

I just posted to you on the other thread. There is no way to message privately here. I think you communicated very well on the other thread. Why don’t you start your own thread, clicking on FORUMS above and going from there?

I will be glad to read more from you and reply when I am back to the computer in about 15 hours.

anita

Dear Gigi:

I will respond to what you shared on this thread as well as what you shared in your new thread, leaving your new thread for others to respond to, at this point (it has been slow but I do hope others will respond to your new thread soon enough).

First I will retell your story adding quotes: you have been married three years, have a two year old son. Your husband is angry at you, has become “averse toward” you, and goes “radio silent” when angry. In the beginning of the relationship he communicated with you (“he also did find ways to communicate… we did find a way to connect”), but no more. You didn’t go to a lawyer yet regarding separation/ divorce because you “do not want to give up on him and us as parents together”.

At times he calls you a “drama queen” and at other times, “an ice queen”. During your son’s first birthday you took or had pictures taken of your son with guests but you did not invite your husband to be in the pictures. He was angry at you for that. You believe that he misunderstands your intentions. You also stated that you are emotional and he is not, but you did mention that he gets angry and you mentioned his “so called tantrums”.

At work you met a man who is also married and who has marital problems. The two of you talked for 4.5 hours at one time, “Our souls connected I felt!”, you wrote. Then “this feeling and this closeness.. new and intense” that you believed he was feeling as well, weakened on his part, and “this week  he is a little silent… acting cool”. The two of you decided to “avoid hanging out at work”. You wrote that you feel “like a kid and yet a woman at the same time” when you are with him and that you “need tools to act mature around him and not get weak” because you are afraid of losing him.

Second part of my post is my input: I don’t know what is going on, but I think the following is a possibility. Again, it is only a possibility that seems likely enough in my mind. Some of it may be true or none of it. And so, the following may be nothing but Fiction:

You really are either a drama queen or an ice queen: you alternatively express a lot of emotion or you withdraw and go silent. When emotional you may not cry (as you indicated), but you go on and on and on about what he did, why he shouldn’t have and so forth. So much so, that he can’t stand it anymore and he avoids spending time at home. When he did communicate with you that he needs some quiet time, you retaliated by withdrawing and going completely silent. You further tried to punish him by not inviting him to participate in your son’s birthday pictures, so as he, let’s say, cuts the birthday cake for the guests, being engaged this way, you have pictures taken, purposefully excluding him.

Maybe that long conversation you had with your co worker was not that intense for him, but he felt it was intense for you and so, he got scared, didn’t want trouble, and he withdrew from you.

If there is any truth to this possibility I just typed, then psychotherapy is the place for you, a place where you will learn to regulate your emotions so to have reasonable control over the expressions of your emotions, and where you learn interpersonal skills such as doing your part in assertive and respectful communication.

Is my input nothing but Fiction?

anita

Dear Gigi:

Your co worker/ friend, it is not surprising that he withdrew from you some, he is married and is not considering separation, so he is conflicted, not sure what to do. This is not the circumstances that are congruent with starting and maintaining a new friendship/ relationship.

You wrote, “this thing is way too complex for many people to understand”. It would be possible for me to understand, rather than come up with this or that possibility if you explained the situation clearly.

Reads like you gave up on your husband and marriage, that you are done with trying to communicate with him, that you are open for a relationship with a new man, at least emotionally, you are. But then you wrote that you are not interested in separation and divorce. So I don’t understand what you are trying to do. If you are not interested in divorce, how do you see your marriage proceeding? How are you going to make it possible for you to survive in it with some peace of mind?

anita

Gigi,

I suggest you get some short term counseling to help you determine what you want.

You can get all sort of advice from many of us but ultimately it is up to you to determine what is important in your life and how to go about having that.

Mark