Thanks Aiyana. My husband is a career driven, family driven guy with a strong sense of pride but also has a sensitive side to him, rather had that, which completely attracted me to him. His sense of responsibility balanced with his sense of ambition and work attracted me to him initially plus he could also be a very kind person if he wanted, but that was 4 years ago. Now he is just critical of me and repulsive. My co-worker on the other hand has a very refreshing personality, he sees me through. He is very kind and caring and gentle but at the same time strong and able. I really do like that about him. He is a great listener and so perceptive…

I wish it was that simple but as someone mentioned here too. I need to seek counseling to figure out what it is that I want. I have had enough ventures in my life, many serious and not so serious ones.. I am beginning to question the integrity of it all.

Anita,

Yes what I can do is think about my day to day choices that I make with my words and action because I am still not competent enough to take a big decision.

The loss of the sensitive side for my husband comes from his culture and background he has grown up in. We are Indians and may be you are too based on your name. He grew up without a father who passed away when he was little and he has only grown up repressing his emotions and learning to only be practical such that he is securing his family’s future. These are commendable qualities in a man. But what I have seen is that even his family promotes emotional retardness so much so that he is always conflicted between being self-aware vs being hypocritical. For example in a healthy marriage boundaries are necessary. Indian families can be intrusive and possessive of their child and grandchild. While I get that I don’t wish to be treated like a third party in his family and that too after I do a lot for them. So I requested to him that my interactions with them will be lesser. He took offense at that. Long story short he pretty much made it clear that he wishes to share nothing with me and I should do the same. I wish I could help him see that talking about the differences do not have to be critical. Small instances like this have drawn this big gap between us and that’s why we are where we are. He wants a marriage where I just cook and clean and smile for him. I wished for a friendship. He doesn’t wish to be one. He was early on but now he says his love for me has changed and he just wants to keep it business. I feel I know where this is heading.

Regarding my coworker you are right, I wanted a safety net. But I am wiser now to know that I should not look for one, if it is there, it is. If not some other time or in some other form. Even though this person is special to me and I appreciate what he could offer, I need to currently get hold of my situation at home.

Thanks to replying to my posts.

Anita,

I tried being that third party and submissive person, someone who initiates taking care of his family. Yet I have only received a third grade treatment and it is difficult for me to keep doing it. I have tIoo much self-esteem to give and then treated like the way I get treated. They wont even talk to me unless and untill I have to cook for him or their grandchild. when they were visiting and staying at my sister in law’s house, they would invite him over but not me. I think I have become older and grown tired of these societal pressures. I was never built for one anyway. So I have requested him that my concept of family is going to be nuclear and just the three of us, he doesnt agree to that and thinks I have betrayed him.

He can be a very abusive man if he wants and also loving, all in the same day. His pride gets hurt easily and when that happens he is scary to be around. I am going to go to a therapist because he doesn’t realize himself how he gets. Can you believe if I say, i also work for a boss who is similar to that?

I think it is our society’s problem. We do not teach boys to be aware of their emotions. We only teach them how to be good in school and extracurriculars. I hope I can teach at least a small fraction to my son so that he grows with some emotional intelligence.

Anita I hope your suffering and experience with “possessive and intrusive” is handled well at this point. Thanks for sharing something, always happy to offer what I can.

Gigi

Aiyana

Thanks for your concern. Yes we are ok and safe. He has a bad temper for sure and has attempted and may be borderline raised his hand on me but he knows better I think.

For now till I figure out what is next best thing to do, I am keeping my distance from him. I don’t think he has it in him to do more than emotional abuse but one never knows.

Thanks

Gigi