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Husband Not Jealous

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  • January 17, 2017 at 9:47 am #125532
    Charlie
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I feel a little bit silly writing this because I am actually incredibly grateful that my husband is so laid-back and never gets jealous. I only thought about posting this because so many of my friends and family members think it’s crazy that my husband is ok with my best friend being a single guy. I never really thought about it being perhaps very unusual until now.

    Basically, my best friend in the whole world is a straight, single male. We are incredibly close and I consider him to be like a brother. He had a traumatic childhood (full of abuse and neglect) and has been though a lot over the years, and I’ve always been there for him. I’m pretty much his “rock” so to speak. He lives far away, and I even drive hours to see him every now and then. Nothing romantic has happened. But we’re so close – we’re basically family, we talk every day, we’re always laughing on the phone, and I always remind him that I love him before we hang up. He doesn’t really have any other family, and I want him to know that he belongs and is loved. I will say “I love you” right in front of my husband, and he has never batted an eye about it. Whenever I ask my husband if its ok to visit him, he encourages me to go and never complains or expresses concern.

    My husband is a pretty quiet, laid back type. He usually spends his free time painting and tinkering around the house. We have a happy, healthy home and never get into arguments (some minor disagreements here and there).

    I am absolutely not complaining about anything here, but am curious as to whether this is actually as crazy as my other friends/family apparently think it is? Everyone seems to be questioning my marriage, and I’m starting to wonder if this is actually weird. I can’t imagine life without either my best friend or husband.

    January 17, 2017 at 9:55 am #125533
    Charlie
    Participant

    PS: I am a straight female. Just want to clarify that as my screename “Charlie” can be confusing 🙂

    January 17, 2017 at 10:01 am #125536
    IslandGirl17
    Participant

    I think your friends/family are caught up with the social stero-types i.e. “There is NO way a straight, single guy can ONLY be your best friend”. Real friendships do not have a perfect recipe (i.e. would they be more comfortable with you being best friends with a woman or even better, a gay man?). Why? because that’s more common now days…women can only be best friends with other women or gay men, if not, it’s weird. The fact that you and this man have a true, real friendship is amazing. If you and him get on and your husband is ok with it then so be it.

    I think your husband is comfortable and mature that he trusts you. When you tell your best friend that you love him in front of your husband he knows that you’re not saying ‘I love you so much best friend I can’t wait until we sleep together or take it to the next stage’. From what you are saying, you are completely happy being his ‘rock’; his true friend; and his ‘sister’ and I’m sure he really appreciates you.

    Not sure if you bring your friend around your family or husband but maybe you should. If you have a BBQ one night and friends and family are coming over, invite your friend and tell him to bring one of his friends. Let everyone get to know him and see how much a of a friend he really is… (completely up to you, but if their comments are bothering you, go for it!)..

    January 17, 2017 at 10:10 am #125537
    Charlie
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your thoughts, Islandgirl17! I agree that my other friends/family are caught up in the stereotype that straight men and women can’t just be friends. My husband knows my friend. My other family members and friends really don’t, but that’s mostly because everyone in my life is scattered all over the country, so we don’t have too many get-togethers at my house. I like your idea, though, of just being more open about it. I feel like I let other opinions get to me, so I’ve kept it pretty private so I don’t have to deal with the judgmental comments. But I think it would help me if I worked on disregarding them and being more open about the friendship, like you said.

    January 17, 2017 at 10:17 am #125539
    IslandGirl17
    Participant

    Agreed. Just don’t blur the lines and ruin you and your husband’s relationship. For example, if it’s a romantic night with just you and your husband it should only be you and him – not + your friend and not you on the phone texting or calling him. If you and your husband go for a romantic dinner, tell your friend that you’ll talk to him tomorrow because you should be 100% all about your husband those nights. Even if it’s a night together at home watching a movie or relaxing together, use that time for you and your husband and tell your friend you’ll chat later.

    I feel like your friend has respect for your relationship anyways so he would understand I’m sure.

    Good luck! You’ll be fine.

    January 17, 2017 at 10:17 am #125540
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Charlie:

    The people who think it is crazy that you have such a close friendship with a straight man are not the authority of what is crazy and what is sane, are they? How crazy or sane is their lives- that will need to be considered before giving significant value to their input.

    Make yourself- and your husband- authority on whether your friendship is okay to have, and seems like it is okay.

    anita

    January 17, 2017 at 10:26 am #125542
    Charlie
    Participant

    Islandgirl17: Good point – I am definitely careful about not blurring lines but it’s always good to have a reminder. It drives me crazy when I’m out with someone (even if just an acquaintance), and they spend the time texting other people. My friend has good boundaries, and he always asks if it’s a good time to talk. If I’m busy, he says we can talk tomorrow. He hates texting, which I think is awesome.

    anita: You had me laughing out loud when I read your comment, haha. I definitely don’t think my friends/family are the experts on crazy and sane – when you put it like that, my insecurity about this seems pretty silly! Great point.

    Thank you both so much for your thoughts!

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Charlie.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Charlie.
    January 17, 2017 at 10:37 am #125546
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Charlie. Glad you had a laugh. And I was absolutely serious when I wrote the comment above.
    anita

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