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I am being toxic in my relationship

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  • September 22, 2018 at 11:10 am #226697
    Lizzie
    Participant

    I’ve been with my SO for almost two years now and I have been realizing more and more how toxic and dependent I have become! I love him very much and he has been incredibly supporting the last couple of years with my dtrong mood swings or when I am going through a depression. However, the last couple of weeks especially, every time we hang out I point out something he is doing wrong, I victimize myself all the time and end up putting him at fault indirectly, I am passive-aggressive a lot of times, and I think sometimes I am unconsciously trying to put him down. I think a lot of this comes from my deep insecurity, a low self-esteem (that has grown during our relationship-I keep comparing myself to him or giving over my power because I think I’m not good, interesting, smart enough to do anything), and I have a lot of changes happening in my life (graduation, unemployment, moving). I also have developed a little bit of dependency because I live out of my home country with no family here, only limitted friends from school. I don’t know what to do because I keep second-guessing myself and not being able to see clearly how to fix all these things. I want to be with him and be able to work this through, but I don’t know if I should just break up with him and work on myself and take off the burden this behavior is right now. Or if I should take some time off the relationship and work on myself. Or stay and do both at the same time.

    I have brought this up to him in the past and we have taken time off (but not really, only a couple of weeks and I didn’t really have a plan on how to change). But now I am actually worried because I need to makes these changes in my life since they are affecting more relationships than this one as well as my day to day. It just shows up the most when I’m with him because he is such a big part of my life.

    Help! I don’t know if therapy, books, etc etc. Would, but definitively some advice on how to proceed and learn to love myself, improve my self-esteem and stop projecting my insecurities on others.

    Thank you!!!

    September 23, 2018 at 6:10 am #226783
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lizzie:

    I am glad you realize that you have been toxic, or abusive to this man and that you care to stop these behaviors on your part.

    You wrote: “I don’t know if I should just break up with him… Or if I should take some time off the relationship.. Or stay”-

    My answer: if you cannot immediately stop abusing your boyfriend, take a break or end the relationship immediately. You should not keep abusing him while working on yourself so that in a future time you will no longer be abusive. The abuse has to stop now.

    You asked for “some advice on how to proceed and learn to love myself, improve my self-esteem and stop projecting my insecurities on others”-

    My advice: specifically identify the abusive (or toxic) behaviors, list them. Then notice when you are about to do this or that abusive behavior. At that point, take a deep, slow breath and do not do that behavior. No matter how you feel, do not behave in this or that way that you determined to be toxic.

    For example, when you notice that you are about to tell him he is doing something wrong (“every time we hang out I point out something he is doing wrong”), take a deep, slow breath, and don’t tell him he is doing something wrong. Instead, say nothing. If you need to, take a time out, get busy washing dishes or such, distracting yourself. When you feel calm go back to interacting with him.

    As you practice this, you will build confidence in yourself, a sense of control and contentment with your ability to live up to what you value. This confidence, control and contentment are parts of what you aim at (“to love myself, improve my self esteem”).

    anita

     

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