My 2 years old relationship ended few days back. Things were never very good. For the complete one year i was hurt to the core by that girl. I had held on because of love and because she had many issues in her family and everytime after hurting me she would make the excuse of her family problems and tell me that she needs me a lot. But we have fought over the same issue for years, same repetitive things. The only things is that when it was good it was good beyond imagination, it was rare though.

I have developed anxiety, negativity in these years and i am suffering with ocd and gcd. I was not much open to sexual relations with her, i had a reason, if there were any fights in between us, and i would say i am gonna break up she would say that if you had to do this one day why did you come so close to me. Then when i denied much physical relations she would taunt me and make fun of me indirectly. I one day decided that just let it be and i am gonna be sexual with her and then she denied and said baby i am not ready. So simple for her, but when it came to me it was such an issue i was made fun of. Just an example of how i was treated.

After an year when i was getting real tired of all this i lost trust in myself because few girls came up to me and i felt attracted but i never accepted their proposal of relationship. Yet i had lost trust in myself. I had thought of breaking up with her but then i could not because my mind would rush to things that something bad might happen to her. She also used to justify people’s act of harming themselves in relationships, i was so devastated by it, i could not imagine her getting a single scratch. I had been fighting with these thoughts for years 24X7.

I had forgiven her for the biggest of her mistakes, but i had realized she was actually never sorry for what she had done. I had to go to her tell her what had happened and a sorry and it was gone for her. A promise of that never happening again but that used to happen like 10 times and she used to say i love it when you tell me what you feel bad about. I had stopped even liking pictures of girls when she felt bad about me adding an unknown person on facebook and i did it to make her happy it was no show off. She continued talking to guys 10 years older than her and when i would get angry she used to deactivate her facebook delete all her friends number from phone and say that i am really sorry you are the only one i need and it made me feel like i had made the biggest mistake in the world.
I decided to accept her how she is, i stopped interfering in her personal life and let her do what she wanted to and to accept i was very much changed by now.

One day i saw that she was doing things if which i would have done i would have been taunted for months, but if i would have said i feel bad about that she does same she would have acted like she has no friends and all, i decided not to say anything but one day i mentioned it jokingly. She said bye, didn’t text me for 4 days. Put up a status on fb that i have attitude problem. Then came back to me saying that talk to me meet me. I denied meeting her because i knew she would hold my hands and i would melt and this is going to continue. On the inside i was happy, it had stopped hurting me, only anger was left for her. She never asked me what was wrong with me, why was i upset. She dragged this whole matter for 4 months. I had sticked to the thing that i will not mention a word on my own, she never cared about my feeling and continued to do things that had hurt me and because of what i was angry. After whole 4 months she said look i am sorry for what i did and i am accepting my mistake , i asked what had you done she said this this, then i asked when had you accepted this and she said i did just now now let this be over and come back to me, i threw my phone in anger, her friends were trying to convince me, they used to say you will regret very much leaving her, i told their friends about what had happened, and they still said it was all my fault, i was kind of numb. A minute after accepting what had hurt me, accepting after 4 months she shouted at me, said that i am the worst and that she swears never to talk to me. I don’t know why, next day i texted her a lot. No replies.
The good part was that she was really happy , i stalk her fb, i don’t know why. I have kept so many things inside me and never said a word to her about how i had felt. This is killing me. When i tried a little she made fun of my feelings. I have spent whole year worrying about her, trying to tell her how good her life is, how good her parents are, it is not only that she is in trouble, i told her how to cope up with life, how to focus on her career, many times i used to talk to her just so that she can study during her exam times. And this is how i was treated in the end.

What should i do with so much feeling in my heart ? If i will say her either i will be made fun of or she would say i am the worst girl in the world deactivate her facebook and stop talking to everyone or won’t reply me.

I have so many mixed feelings. Now all i see is the bright side of her. That she never hid things from me. Even if she was doing things that were hurting me they were in front of me. It is me who was getting hurt right ? I should have told her how i feel, but i had tried that many times, she never understood on her own. My heart is heavy. I can not see her with any douchebad. She is very open to everyone and the useless guys sitting on facebook keep hitting on her. The truth is if i find her with anyone else i can stop imagining her being very close to anyone. Is this karma am i being punished for anything ? I had accepted i will not be able to change her. I have so many things to deal with right now. Anxiety, pain, exams, ocd and all. Everynight i see myself at fault. I cry a lot. It makes me really happy that she is happy, i am trying to look on the brighter side, that its over without hurting her but trying not to hurt her everytime has left me devastated in the end. I am the one who is carrying so much feelings around.I still worry about her. She does not cares even a bit now.

I will not be able to shout at her and tell her all this. And what will i get from this ? It is really easy to say that if you want your happiness by hurting someone then its not a good thing. I have hurt myself to such a great extent by not trying to hurt her. I am struggling looking on the positive side all times and sometimes i just breakdown and cry a lot. My heart is heavy. I miss all the good times spent with her. On one side she tried to get back to me for 4 months on the other she never said a word about what happened. I have always helped her with her family problems but when i told her mine she said thank you for telling me all this. I am confused.

The thing that has hurt me the most is reading questions here that say that they are not over their ex even after 2-3 years. It kills me. I think what if someday we are not in contact and she needs me. What if i could have helped her if i was with her. What if someday after 50 years i am sitting thinking about her and what she might be doing. I am really worried about bad things happening not to me but to her and i feel i am that negativity. I am stuck. I am not able to interact to small children now because it makes me miss how she used to act exactly like them in front of me. Help me.

I feel like crying. I want to shout really badly at her for what all she did ? I can not hold on to this anymore. Please someone help me.