Dear Lindsay:

I will retell your story in chronological order, best I can, using quotes, because it helps me understand better: this man, who is a public figure in the small town where you live, a man who enjoyed a good reputation (“very well-liked and respected by the community“), was married for about 12 years when he became friends with a married co-worker in his part-time job. The two started an emotional affair about 16 years into his marriage, and a physical affair about the time he separated from his wife, 17 years into the marriage.

He ended the physical affair about a year after it started because he was caught and his good public reputation suffered (“he started communicating with her outside of work about a month prior to being caught. Her husband saw the messages and went public right away“)

At about the same time that he ended the affair, he started dating you. The two of you dated for 5 months when you found out about the past affair and the two of you broke up. A week later, he told you that he wanted to be with you and he agreed that he needed to find a new part-time job. You got back together, he indeed found a new part-time job, but a month into the reunion, you found out that he was still communicating with the married woman via text.

“He said he didn’t want to be with her and he chose me, but he is always going to care about her and respond if she reaches out…  she is still in his head…. says that he needs to figure out why he still hangs on to that relationship…  He will tell me that he knows I am the ‘best, smartest, easiest choice’.. because there will be no conflict or drama with kids or exes… But, he says that he never got to be with her ‘for real’ and is afraid he will always wonder ‘what if’. He has a genuine desire to be with each of us and can’t figure out how to sort it out on his own without doing serious damage to either me or her”-

-wait, isn’t the married woman still married, and isn’t he concerned about doing some serious damage to her husband or to her children, if she has any?

anita

Dear Lindsay:

So he ended the affair 5-6 months before the incident you mentioned, the one where her husband discovered the texting. I wonder if the incident you mentioned was a 2nd time (or 3rd) time her husband discovered their communication/ affair. I wonder if he ended the affair after being caught the first time. Obviously, I am suspicious that his concern for his public reputation supersedes his moral values and that he has been giving you partial, selective information.

What strikes me as odd, or a matter of concern, on the first reading, was that after he ended the affair with her and while in a relationship with you, he told you that if she reaches out to him, he will respond, presenting it as a non-negotiable item. And then “he says he does not reach out to either of us“, meaning he will not reach out to her, but he will respond and communicate with her if she reaches out to him? This sounds like a technicality, somewhat dishonest: what does it matter who contacts whom if the result is that there is a to-and-from ongoing communication between them?

anita

Dear Lindsay:

The lyrics of the song Torn Between Two Lovers comes to my mind.

She is going through a divorce, so I can see why he would want to support her, since she was his friend (before being more than a friend) while he had marriage problems. I can also understand somewhat his torn-between-two-lovers quandary: It can happen to a decent person. But it can’t possibly be convenient for you, therefore, I feel badly about you being in this situation.

You asked in your original post: “My ultimate questions is, Am I unreasonable for thinking that the man deserves the chance to work this out?“- no, I don’t think that you are unreasonable. But it will take some heavy duty strength on your part, depending how long his indecision will last, to endure this… and that’s my concern: I wouldn’t like you to end up drained and a mess waiting for him to decide. You and your children need you to be strong!

anita

Dear Lindsay:

You are very welcome. What I gather from reading your posts is that your thinking is reasonable and balanced, you are aware of the different angles of the situation, you see the bigger picture and your values are admirable: you care about  the well-being of your kids and you want to set a good example for them! I too hope that therapy will be helpful for you and that you re-evaluate the situation over time and events.

anita