I have been in a loving relationship with my bf for just over 3 years. I love my bf so much, he is my best friend. We love each other’s company, can hang out for hours just talking and we have many similar interests. I suffer from some severe confidence/insecurity issues, and he is always a great comforter and counselor, always picking up the phone when I need him. We are both each other’s first loves. Up until this point, we haven’t hit any road blocks or hard points in our relationship. My bf has found his calling in life and I am very happy for him. He wants to save as much money as possible to buy land to build a small farm, as he believes that a switch from big agriculture to small scale, sustainable farming is crucial to the future. He also sees being a farmer on a homestead as the ultimate means of freedom. He believes that capitalism breeds unhappiness, and if you work for any company you are being exploited as a slave. He believes so passionately about these subjects that it has become like a religion to him.

I don’t want to make him sound crazy, I do agree with him that capitalism can be evil and things need to change etc., and I like to see something that makes him feel so passionate. I also believe that he is a hard worker, and he will achieve whatever he wants to do. But the idea of living on a farm does not fulfill me to the same degree that it does for him. I do like being outdoors, and I spent a good amount of my childhood riding horses and cleaning out stalls in a barn, but I do not know if I want that to be my entire life. I am now graduating after five years of school, with a degree in history and education. However, I am not sure that being a school teacher in a classroom is right for me, frankly I have no idea what I want to do with my life and just went down this path because I love history. When I address these issues with my bf, he tells me that being a slave and having a career won’t fulfill me, instead I could have hobbies on the farm that will fulfill me. I feel that just having hobbies would never be enough for me. I have always wanted to travel, to enrich my mind with new places and people… I have also always wanted to live in England, as my family is English and I spent my childhood there, but both these ideas are out of the cards for him because he wants us to stay here in our hometown to save as much money as “we” can for the farm.

He tells me that if I travel I won’t find what I’m looking for as happiness comes from within, not from external circumstances. I do see some truth to that, but I feel that if I travel and get out of my comfort zone, it is a step in the right direction for my personal growth and with dealing with my confidence issues. Also, when I think about potentially spending my life in my hometown, it feels me with dread. When I first told him I want to travel he sounded like he really supported me, but then a day later he did a 180 on me and told me that he wants to me stay. He admitted that it was for selfish reasons, as he is worried that I may not want to come back after traveling or that I will meet someone else. He says that he believes that working and living on the farm will fulfill me.

He has been saying almost everything to try to get me to stay, and it feels a bit manipulative. He tells me that he is guaranteeing me a “lifetime of happiness” by living on the farm with him, and that I can find adventure by exploring new places close to home. He tells me that I can run an antique store on the farm and that I can do whatever I want with my “freedom”. He tells me that he is doing the farm dream “for us, and for love and family”. However, when I hear him talk this way I am just filled with doubt. I feel like he is trying so hard to fit me into his plan, when he never really even asked me if it is what I wanted in the first place. My friends and family tell me that it is concerning that he seemed to automatically assume that my finances and savings would contribute greatly to purchasing land for the farm. They also tell me that it is a great time in my life to travel because I don’t have any real responsibilities (except for some minor student debt lol).

I am finding his behavior a bit manipulative and selfish, which hurts because I have always believed him to be so kind and warm-hearted. I think that he is saying these things out of the fear of losing me. I understand where he’s coming from, but I also think that if I don’t go out and travel that I will regret it, and I will grow to resent him because of it. I told him that I would want to do long distance but he told me flat out that he doesn’t want to do that. I want to live in a city and maybe explore a career working in a museum. He refuses to come with me as he feels that he would be completely uprooting his life and his plans to save for a farm. But I feel that if I stay here then I am giving up what I want…

I do not know what to do. I feel that he is trying to push me down a path that I don’t really want, but at the same time I am wondering if I am self-sabotaging my own happiness because I love him so much, and I truly don’t know what I want to do with my life. Maybe if I go out and travel I will just be miserable and I will never find what I am meant to do in life. I am 23 and I feel as if I have to make a decision that will alter the rest of my life.

Thank you so much if you have read all of this!!!!