I am a woman of 22 and he is is 21. We have been together for more than 2 years. We got to know each other online and started out as friends before we fell in love. The first year of the relationship was LDR as we are from different countries. Our relationship was very strong and secure despite the distance. Last year I moved to his country and started a study. We had our own floor in his parent’s house. However, I had to travel for for school every day and after about half a year I moved closer to school instead and we’ve seen each other on weekends. This is not the cause of the issue. Living together was great and we managed well apart as well.

Practically, I have had to take charge of many things. I have lived alone before, whilst he still lives with his parents. I think this is okay though. With time and experience he would also learn what it’s like to be independent.

Emotionally, this guys gets me 100%. I feel like he really sees me for who I am. I’ve never felt that way about anyone before. I can’t imagine getting that from someone else either. I have struggled a lot with anxiety and he’s always been there for me. We’re both quite senstive though, and sometimes maybe we both would drag each other down a bit.

However, through meditation, mindfulness and yoga, I have been able to create more space around my anxiety. I have grown. Now, every time I was around him, I’d sort of go back into my anxiety in order to get his affection and love. This dynamic was not good.

He is not interested in spirituality like I am, but is willing to hear about it and encourages me to keep it up.

Intelectually he wouldn’t stimulate me. I would end up explaining things to him or we’d talk about more superficial things or emotional matters. I also felt sometimes that I was having a conversation with someone much less mature than me. However, maybe I could get this from friends instead? I can’t depend on my partner for everything.

There was one more issue to. I didn’t feel sexually attracted anymore. I didn’t know why there and then, but I realize now that there might have been a fixable issue related to that. I would have to ask him to shower, shave, dress better or even beg him to buy new clothes for a wedding we were going to. Now, I believe that this might have made me feel like a mother figure, and I didn’t enjoy that. Maybe it affected my attraction towards him. I believe this is something he’d be willing to work on and maybe he even is somewhat depressed and needs counselling and support. I just didn’t realize this until now – two days after breaking up. I thought my lack of attraction came from nowhere whilst in reality it could have been fixed by working this out together. I would also have to work on myself of course, in order to accept and feel thankful for the way he is – and not always the way he dressed or kept himself.

Now, if imagine myself suddenly getting sick or injured, I immediately want him by my side. I want him to be the first thing I see. If I imagine him getting sick, I’d want to be by his side too. If I see myself old, I see him. To me, he feels like home. I know now that I love him very deeply. I don’t know what to do.

He wanted to cut contact right now, but talk again in a couple weeks to find out if we could work out something together or if this was permanent. I feel a deep pain and am sure he does too. I am keeping the door closed though, until I can silence my mind and find out what it is I need to do.

Please share any insights you must have. Thank you for reading this.