Hi Carrie,

Thank you for sharing your story, it reads as FEAR, however, I think right now the best thing you can do is work on the issues which are causing you to want to run away and decide if this relationship is exactly what you want. Otherwise, rushing to reconcile is also unwise in the end it will lead to more unnecessary pain and you splitting up again if you have not worked on the underlying issues. From what you have written it seems he is a genuine, warm man who has made an extraordinary amount of effort to move things forward at a relaxed pace but you have bolted. A healthy relationship requires vulnerability from both parties and communication. It would be unfair to string him along whilst you are indecisive, so I suggest you arrange a meeting and communicate how you felt which leads you to react the way you did and then ask for some space to work through those issues. You will have to respect his decision or choice too, he must be very hurt and you need to respect those feelings but if he sees value and worth in you and the relationship he will also be willing to give it some time and work but it will be up to you now to prove it. Simply walking away without any explanation or attempt to give the other person any sense of clarity is immature.

Tim

Hi Carrie,

I wasn’t sure how you would receive my feedback as it was rather blunt. However, from my own experiences, I have learned that the hard truths are often needed to help oneself. It takes a lot of courage to recognise sometimes the problems stem from within ourselves, so well done on facing the issues head-on rather than trying to run away entirely to avoid the conflict.

It is important to recognise asking for help is a key step in the right direction, like you said as a child building defense mechanisms or walls helps you to survive but as an adult, one must break down these walls and be vulnerable to learn to deal with what life will inevitably throw our way to live a truly rich, happy and fulfilled life. Living in fear is akin to not living at all. Continuing to live life closed off and in fear only exacerbates anxiety and makes you more maladjusted, it will influence everything you do and in context of relationships as you have found it will cause self-sabotage. From what you described the man in your life was attentive, loving, vulnerable, and willing to meet your needs. These are the characteristics one deserves in a loving partnership.  Yet somehow your mind because of FEAR has reinforced and convinced you he is not the “one”/ he is going to hurt you/ his wonderful traits are not what you deserve/ his good traits are off-putting. The brain does this when confronted with a change from the norm,  simply because for so long you have become accustomed to not feeling worthy due to the toxic or abusive relationships formed in the past. If you were to remove all emotions clouding you and assess this person on his individual merits I assure you, you would kick yourself for being foolish. I have done the exact same, but I knew it was an issue within me, so I sought therapy whilst taking space from my partner. COMMUNICATION is your ally, you need to reach out and explain. If he is able to overcome his pain and give a chance then use this opportunity to go away and do the work on yourself to be a better version of yourself, if he is unable to overcome it then that is ok because it still has prompted you to seek help and hopefully once the issues have been worked on you can live a more fulfilled life. Whats happened has happened, quite often we live in the past, look forward and let the future unravel as it may knowing you are becoming a better person regardless. I wish you all the best if you need any other perspective don’t hesitate. Use this as a force to improve, don’t dwell or you will end up self-pitying and spiraling further from what you actually want.

Tim