September 16, 2019 at 8:34 pm #312683shareParticipant
I recently ended my relationship of about half a year. I’m a high school student and this was my first boyfriend. I have always been into rom coms and stuff like that so I based my relationship off of those shows. I also go to a boarding school which has a lot of work and extraciriculars to do. I would see a lot of other couples on campus and want to be like them. But when I started dating I never really felt that same way. In the beginning, it was fun to hang out and stuff. But over summer break I liked the freedom of just being me. When the school year started I was doing sat prep every weekend and focusing hard on getting good grades. He always pushed to hang out but every weekend I would do sat prep and then have little to no free time. I guess at some point maybe over the summer I started to avoid him. I liked the freedom of just doing what I wanted and just being me without someone else. He realized that I had been dodging his messages and never being free so we talked. We decided that this relationship couldn’t work out and basically went our separate ways. Tonight he messaged me and said that he still likes me but I don’t like him- which is true. He told me about how he would cry himself to sleep and pray our relationship could get better. I told him I was truly sorry and never meant to hurt him. I just can’t stop feeling guilty. I feel like a horrible person for hurting someone who liked me so much. I feel like I ruined a good thing. I know that the relationship was suffocating me and I know that it would’ve ended one way or another. My roommate tells me that everyone breaks up and stuff and I shouldn’t feel bad. But I just do. I feel so so horrible and so guilty. He was so nice and truly cared for me. I’m not sure how I can face him or anyone tomorrow when right now I never want to leave my room. I feel like I ruined a friendship and I hurt a great person. I’m just not sure what to do. I just don’t even know.
If anyone has any advice please reply. Thanks.September 17, 2019 at 4:01 am #312711AshleyParticipant
Oh sweetheart! Bless you and your beautiful soul. Let me begin by saying what makes an incredible person is the ability to see life through others eyes and feel for them. I hear you and your hurt for this boy and I admire your empathy for him but you have to remember, this is your life too. Sometimes in life as we face tough decisions like this we need to remember our reasoning and reassure ourselves that we are doing what serves the greater good. For example, say your guilt convinces you to go back with this boy…… you will be in a relationship that you are not able to move freely through and then you will begin to feel stiffled from your growth and you will cause him and yourself more hurt by becoming resentful. Trust me, I stayed in a relationship while feeling the same way and it ended up with us not being friends at all. It still kills me to know that I hurt someone I cared for so deeply because I didn’t just have the strength to stand my ground and maintain my space and freedom. I caved and began to hate him for invading my life with demands that I couldn’t meet without sacrificing my sanity…. I should have just said no thank you in the very beginning. You, my dear are so ahead already in this world by being able to listen to your inner voice and know what you want. Stop carrying the guilt. There is no harm in what you’ve done. I would advise you however, to give him some space to heal….. being someone with a broken heart and spending every day with the person you hurt for just opens that wound deeper every time. Please remember that you have so much life ahead of you as does he and maybe someday your paths will cross again later in life and it may be the right time then but please, I beg you…… never feel guilty for being true to yourself. Treat others with dignity and respect while being true to yourself and in the end the world will be yours.
Good luck.September 17, 2019 at 8:50 am #312755anitaParticipant
Regarding your feelings of guilt:
1. You didn’t mention that you were dishonest with him, for example, telling him how much you liked him, when you knew it wasn’t true, or promising him things and then breaking your promises. Did you do any of these things?
You can’t help how you feel, you are not responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for your actions, for what you chose to tell him (ex., making promises, if that is what you did).
2. Regarding the issue of empathy and guilt: some people abuse other people’s empathy, making them feel guilty. Unfortunately many parents abuse their children’s natural empathy. For example, a mother telling her child how bad her life is, how miserable she is.. the child feels a lot of empathy and guilt, as if it is the child’s fault that the mother feels badly.
Your ex boyfriend, “He told me about how he would cry himself to sleep and pray our relationship could get better. I told him I was truly sorry and never meant to hurt him. I just can’t stop feeling guilty”-
– maybe that is what he wanted, that you will feel guilty and as a result, resume the relationship.
When a young man tells a young woman that he cries himself to sleep and so forth, that is not likely to cause the woman to feel a liking or an attraction to the man, it is likely to make her feel guilty.