Dear surfingwig:

I don’t like large gatherings of people and food- so no, not celebrating. I like one-to-one connections, or small get togethers of lets say four people. More- and I get dizzy.

I read your last posts, how you feel differently about your mother, and your father. I am a bit concerned. Changing how you see your parents is a tough thing to do. Yet, there is so much promise in doing just that.

If you don’t view your mother like she really is, you can’t see yourself as who you are. Did I mention to you the separation-individuation process, one that is supposed to happen in childhood? As a child who you are and who your main caretaker (usually your mother) are fused in one identity. When that process I mentioned is not successfully completed, the now adult child views her distortedly as well as himself, two distorted views, still fused.

To separate, individuate, to be authentically you, you have to see her like she is. Same with your father. Am I making sense tonight, this Christmas Eve? I am so very tired. Please let me know.

anita

Dear surfingwig:

I just read your note to me before last, for the first time. Regarding the anger toward your mother- it is okay to feel it, as it is okay to feel any and every feeling we experience. There is a valid message in every feeling. If we figure that message, the message provides guidance for better, more effective living, better well being.

Of course you feel anger at the person who has harmed you so much. It is natural. Anger is a motivation, in the animal world of which we are a part, to fight a threat, someone who has harmed you or is about to harm you. In your case, it is both: she harmed you a whole lot, and she still does.

How do you fight a woman you love though, still attached to… and living in her guest house, still needing her for shelter? The anger doesn’t feel constructive when you have nowhere to move to, and when deep inside you really want to see her in a better light, so to feel safer… (This is why children are heavily motivated to see the very best in their parents, no matter who the parents are).

In your case, the valid message of your anger is not that you should physically harm your mother, of course. That will get you to a different kind of shelter for a good number of years. What is the valid message, then? Take it on from here, today, tomorrow, anytime.

anita

Dear surfingwig:

I just read your last post, about the message in your anger.

Regarding your anger at your mother: you are correct. If she loved you, she would have stopped yelling the first time it hurt you. Like I wrote before: the hurt and fear in the boy that you were, those were evident in your face, your body, your movements. She saw those things. Just like she heard you express these in your words. You told her.

But she doesn’t want to walk on eggshells, she told you. Meaning, she doesn’t want to inconvenience herself by not yelling, by changing her behavior. She chooses to hurt you for the purpose of not inconveniencing herself. So, yes, you are correct. She doesn’t love you. And she hasn’t. Tough pill to swallow, isn’t it?

Regarding the anger you feel toward yourself:you wrote, “Nothing, no matter how much pain and anger I feel, I am choosing not to get a job…I’m not motivated by anything anymore because I don’t believe in myself.”

Interesting. Look at this sentence: “no matter how much pain and anger I feel I am… not motivated to (help/ better yourself)- it is right here, in this sentence- you think (wrongly) that it is pain and anger that motivates a person to have a better life, better mental well being. This is the concept of tough love, isn’t it? Maybe, I wonder, thinking wrongly like this, you think you need MORE pain and anger at yourself… No, no, no. It is not pain and anger at yourself that will motivate you.

You wrote, “I’ve been to soooooo many self help gigs, and nothing has helped me with my career/job situation. Which is why I feel like throwing in the towel”

I do believe you need to throw in the towel, on some aspects of your thinking and believing. For one, throw in the towel on the concept of tough love. Throw in the towel on self help literature. (and throw in the towel on the relationship with your mother and your father, your hope is not there).

You wrote, “I no confidence that I will stay at any job: because of my anxiety and anger while at work.”- it is possible that you should throw in the towel on employment as well. Possible. The SSI program is tailored for people who legitimately are throwing in the towel on employment. just saying, a possibility.

Pay attention, please: it is “tough love” that got you here, lack of love, really. What you need is love, not more of the absence of it. Slowly adopt the intent to no longer pressure yourself, no longer listen to the wrong thinking on the matter expressed by people and social conventions. What you described in this thread are not “excuses” (the word you used before) for unemployment etc., but valid reasons. You are not lazy and irresponsible, you are discouraged and beaten.

Be loving to yourself, this is a new beginning.

anita

Dear Surfingwig:

I thought about you this very morning, before I turned on the computer, wondering what is happening in your life. I had the feeling that there will be a confrontation with your mother and I am not surprised that there was.

Your confrontation with your mother made you feel empowered because, I believe, what you told her was true, congruent with reality, very clear and simple. It is when we get entangled with untruths, convenient thinking, lies, that we feel lost, weak, even paralyzed. Truth frees that feeling-alive inside us.

Looking closer at the confrontation: she used the same-old-same-old lie parents tell their children (minor and adult) a whole lot: I love you. I will do anything for you. I will give my life for you, etc. These lies make mothers feel good about themselves.

Then you say to her, here is how I need you to love me: stop yelling at me and stop acting anxious around me (texting etc.)-

And what is her response? Did she ask you: “tell me more how it feels to you when I yell at you? How did it feel when you were younger? I am so sorry I scared you so much. It was so wrong of me. I regret it so much. I promise: I will never, ever yell at you again. If I find myself yelling, in spite of my best efforts, I will move out of the house and let you live here without me. I owe it to you. I owe this and more to you. I will move away so to not expose you to my yelling (if I can’t help it). I will stop acting as anxious around you as I have. I will attend therapy and go on medication if I can’t help myself. I owe it to you.

Did she say any of these things- expressing empathy toward you, regretting her terrible abuse of you, offering to make amends to you?

No. If she did offer these things I suggested, that would be love.

Regarding your father: tell him how you think and feel about the LACK in the relationship and the lack of support of you regarding the ex wife, but don’t expect his understanding. Expect no understanding nor a willingness to understand. Here is what you will NOT get:

“I am so sorry son. I left you alone with an abusive woman, your mother as I proceeded with my life, not protecting you from her. To add to me not protecting you, I wasn’t in your life to comfort you, to listen to you, to be a safe place for you to express yourself. I only talked of trivia when what you needed was help. On top of it, I didn’t support you when your ex wife left you. I am so sorry. I want to make it up to you: I want you to find a place for you to move to, an apartment, far from your mother’s. I will pay the first six month rent for you there and give you enough money for six month worth of utilities, gas money and food. I owe you more than that, but six months is a start, and what I can afford at the moment.

– these two people failed you and they do owe you. I wish they responded in the ways I suggested.

Post again, and again, anytime you need to.

anita