Dear Jessie A:

I like your straightforward, direct talk/ sharing: honest, simple, easy to understand. And this tells me that your thinking is working right. You are pretty clear about what is going on and taking responsibility for your feelings and actions.

This is my input: your primary responsibility is to promote your own well being. There is no minor child involved in what you shared, therefore no responsibility above your responsibility to yourself.

You wrote that he gets drunk 4-5 days a week. That by itself makes a relationship impossible, at least for anyone who is not drunk on the same days and times. The fact that he is drunk so often and consistently, for so many years, in my opinion relieves you from a lot of otherwise to be considered “sins” in a relationship, “cheating” that is.

Wow, did I just type that? Yes, I did! Will I get hell for it (in this life and this forum)- likely. And if there are enough readers to this, definitely.

Am I going to edit the above because of expected criticism? Well, as you are reading this, you know the answer…

Back to issue, Jessie A: Don’t you think best option is to leave this marriage? If there are financial considerations, maybe live separately from him, even in the same house, living as roommates only? I would say your responsibility to him and to yourself is to not be involved sexually with your husband and preferably, to not have him as your “husband” anymore.

What do you think so far? We can talk more about the feeling used part with the other man or men.

anita

My situation is similar to yours, only the pieces fit together a bit differently. In this case I was the unhappy, functioning alcoholic husband stepping out on my marriage. Neither of us was/is happy, and we hadn’t been satisfying each other intimately (sexually and otherwise) for a long time. I met another woman over the summer, and we fell madly in love. The new woman recognized my alcoholism pretty quickly, though, and told me she wouldn’t see me until I completed a year in AA, working the steps. I’m still in that year, but I’m a much happier, much less selfish person. My marriage is still going to end (we’re separated now), but both my wife and I are much happier as a result of my work on myself.

I tell you all of that to say that getting into AA, practicing mindfulness and getting outside of myself finally helped me find true happiness. It sounds like your husband is pretty selfish, and I only say this because he sounds a lot like me. Booze makes the brain selfish, so it seems it’s impacting your relationship with him in a couple of ways. I’m not saying that you need to give him an ultimatum, but getting into a 12 step program might help your husband. It might help you see some progress in him, too, and give you reason to stick with it. Like Anita suggests, separating” while staying in the same house could help (it worked for me).

I, personally, would end both relationships. The affair is obviously not giving you anything you need or want anymore and I would cut off all contact (especially since you state he doesn’t contact you, that you initiate all the texts, etc). And if your husband is not interested in communicating about the things you’re not happy with in the relationship then you don’t have much of a relationship. You won’t necessarily be able to get everything you want from someone, but they should at least be able to talk and acknowledge that if either one of you think there’s a problem then there’s a problem to be dealt with.

On another note, cheating on someone that believes you are in a monogamous relationship is never ok. I would feel awful if my significant other choose to have sex with other people behind my back when I was trusting that he was true to me. I’d much rather he leave me if I was unwilling to compromise when he discussed issues or, even worse, I’d be devastated if he just cheated rather than dealing with me.

I think YOU’LL be happier if you address these issues head on. And do some digging inside yourself. You can only be as happy with another person as you are with yourself. I noticed you mentioned your physical appearance…dig deep to see if some of this (especially the affair) has a basis in self esteem issues. There are plenty of happy, sexual couples who are far from physically fit so mentioning that in this context throws up red flags to me that you might either have some issues there or are developing them because of the sexual issues with your husband.

I don’t mean to offend and I don’t know you at all so I’m just offering what I’ve seen. Hope it helps a little.

I just want to say something as a man. Say what is most difficult will get you results. People must not be AFRAID or FEAR to be HONEST with their spouse. Your spouse will always welcome honesty just as you will. Tell him how you feel and how you want to be fulfilled sexually. He cares, he will listen. All I am seeing is your fear or a frightened part of your personality holding you back from having a heart to heart conversation with him. Probably its your secrets you are holding that are burdening you. And I know alot about secrets in intimacy. Fear of revealing the secret and pain of keeping the secret will isolate you from your partner. It will stand between you and your partner like a cloud blocking a sun. Until you can say what is most difficult for you to say, you cannot speak from your heart, live unafraid, create health, or receive support from others. You share a secret with the intention to move toward wholeness, new possibilities appear, and your fear does not control you. You cultivate a loving part of your personality and challenge a frightened part. You become who you are instead of who others expect you to be, or who you think they expect you to be. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF THE OUTCOME. It means you need to work and focus on yourself. Great Sex and partnership comes from both of you’ll becoming connected.

Also, the worst things about secrets, whatever is in the dark always comes to light. dont wait till he finds out. Talk to him. Tell him in a counselling session or when he is not drinking. This is the man you married. You have to trust him enough that he would chose to work it out. You are going to have to be patient. You are going to have to be strong.

Say what is most difficult will get you results