Home→Forums→Relationships→I chose my bf over my best friend, now she's very upset
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June 25, 2017 at 5:31 pm #154968
KaylonParticipantLong story short, my bf and I are in a long distance relationship and we’re both very busy. We only get to see each other every 3 months. The time we spend together is precious.
My best friend invited me to her graduation party this Saturday. She recently discovered she was lesbian (2 yr ago) and has been learning to adjust her perspective etc. She told me that her mom wanted a party and her mom just went ahead and arranged one and invited lots of their relatives. Those relatives are friends with her on facebook. Every time she posts LGBT or feminist stuff on facebook, those uncles/aunts would oppose her ideas. Thus she never wanted a party and she only wanted me to be there so that she could avoid those sensitive topics with her family members.
I said yes to her party. Only a week before her party did I know my bf was coming to visit. Everything was still good until his work contract got changed and he had to leave this Sunday (today) instead of Monday as planned. The problem was the only time we got to spend together was Saturday night, my friend’s party time.
I had asked my friend if it was okay if I hadn’t come. She said she wanted me to come but it was up to me. Then I thought I could stop by at her place and spend some time with my boyfriend. (Her place is 2hr drive away and because her mom arranged the party, it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring my bf).
However my bf fell sick yesterday afternoon. He was vomiting with very pale face. I got so worried and spent a little extra time with him. By the time I realized I needed to start driving to the party, the party had started (it was 5pm) and I was also tired thinking about 4hr drive back and forth. So I texted my friend that my bf was sick and that I was so sorry I couldn’t make it.
Now my friend is very upset. She said she felt like an afterthought to me. I tried to explain to her and apologize. She said she didn’t understand why I thought I could fit her and my bf together within my one day schedule.
Honestly I had been leaning toward spending time with my bf because I felt my friend needs to grow up and face topics that she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about with certain people. And that I can’t always be there for her. So when she explained how important it would be for me to go to her party made me feel a little childish of her. On the other hand, she’s still very upset now and I’m tired of explaining why things happened this way.
She is one of my best friends and I value out friendship a lot. But I don’t know how to deal with this and have both of us move on.
June 25, 2017 at 7:38 pm #154982
MacyParticipantKaylon,
These are my thoughts only….first I’m assuming you are of a younger age..I always think friends first…boys are secondary. If she is one of your *best friends*, than I think you should honour that friendship….I realize your bf is from out of town, but you could of postponed your visit..or had told him you have priorities and you have to honour them. As far as coming out and telling people who her sexual beliefs are, I think she wanted you there as support. Graduation parties are rare..it’s a time to celebrate and congratulate of one’s accomplishments. I would suggest an apology letter because you weren’t there as support when your bf needed you. I’m not saying your in the wrong…but most young females will abandon friends over guys.
June 26, 2017 at 6:57 am #155034
AnonymousGuestDear Kaylon:
You wrote about her motivation to have you in her graduation party: “she only wanted me to be there so that she could avoid those sensitive topics with her family members”- that would have made your time in the party not very pleasurable, being there to deflect attention, to absorb her distress over the comments from relatives that she wants to avoid.
On the other hand, you wrote about your time with your boyfriend: “The time we spend together is precious.”
Comparing the quality of time you would have spent in the party and the quality of time with your boyfriend- you made the right choice. But not only because of your experience but because you being in the party would not have solved your friend’s problems with her family members, not at all. The solution, for your friend, is what you wrote, she needs to “face topics that she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about with certain people.”
Time spent at the party would have carried no return on investment: not fun for you, not helpful for her.
anita
June 26, 2017 at 8:36 pm #155188KaylonParticipantI never thought of choosing between friends and boys. I may be young. And I always feel that boyfriend comes before besties if both situations are equally important. If a boyfriend isn’t worth my priority, why is he my boyfriend. Friends, on the other hand, have their lives. Also my boyfriend only has me as a girlfriend but friends aren’t singular and they may also have their significant others. I appreciate my friend and I come together and share interests. But at the end of the day, isn’t my boyfriend the one always supporting my choice and bringing out the best of me? People say guys come and go. I guess in a sense they are right. But are friendships really eternal?
I’m simply writing out my thoughts on friendship and romantic relationship. I’d love to hear what you think.
June 26, 2017 at 8:44 pm #155194KaylonParticipantThank you! You are the only one who did not make me feel worse about myself. I thought a lot about my options and the choice I made. I may only be posting to seek validations on why I didn’t do anything wrong. Many people (from other forums) think I’m being stupid and made a mistake and will lose both my boyfriend and girl friend.
Although I feel terrible about the choice I made, I’d still do it if I had a second chance. Like you said, I felt some burden putting on me when she invited me to the party. I had imagined myself being at the party and I knew I would be thinking about my boyfriend instead of enjoying the party, let alone being her attention deflection.
I still feel like a jerk for bailing on my friend. But I’d regret it if I had chosen the other way.
June 26, 2017 at 9:16 pm #155202MacyParticipantKaylon
At the end of the day, it’s your life and your decision. If you think the decision you made was the right one, than that’s all that matters. I just see a lot of people putting the boyfriends on a pedestal and ignoring their friends…than “if”it doesn’t work, they go back to the friends, and it’s kind of hurtful to some friends as if they are the back up plan. I was in no way knocking you I was only trying to give you some polite advice…if it came across that way, sorry for it. I hope your relationship with your boyfriend works, and the waters calm between you and your friend. Since you feel you made the right choice, than explain that to your friend and maybe suggest how she should stand up to her family about her coming out of the closet about her sexuality, but let her know you support her, maybe not in a way you will always be there physically but emotionally . Maybe she finds strength in you, that she doesn’t in others and was leaning on you for support..maybe she doesn’t have the strong self esteem you have.
Your thoughts?
June 27, 2017 at 5:17 am #155220
MandersParticipantWhen I first started reading your post I was thinking that you should have gone to your friends party but then when I read it was a 2 Hour Dr. each way I felt differently. That is a lot of driving for a party! It’s not like you could’ve just stop by for an hour. I would just reiterate to your friend that you were kind of in a lose lose situation because it’s not like you could just stop by and if you didn’t see your boyfriend at all that would’ve caused problems on that end. Explain to her that you wanted to be there but given the circumstances you just couldn’t make it happen.
In regards to the sayings that friends will always be there and men want, are used to live by that and I can tell you at the age of 47 I don’t think friends are there much more often than men. Sorry to be negative but most of my friendships have not lasted. Sure someone lasted five years, someone else to 10 I just had a 20 year relationship and do to her nearing an asshole who offended my entire family numerous times. So I say just take it as a case-by-case basis and go with your gut. I feel like for me that expecting relationships to be permanent has made it harder for me when they end.
June 27, 2017 at 5:37 am #155224AnonymousGuestDear Kaylon:
You are welcome. I have more input: It is a good practice to keep one’s word, so when you told your friend that you will be in her party, you should have kept your word. But there are understandable exceptions to every rule (including this very rule). You didn’t foresee your boyfriend’s visit, him getting ill. In combination with the reality of zero return on investment being at the party (not having a good time yourself and being of no meaningful help to her), you made the right choice. I hope you no longer feel badly about having made the right choice.
Your friend herself doesn’t keep her word every time, and not necessarily when the exception is understandable. She is very upset with you, for your choice. It would be helpful if she looks at her choices, where she broke her word- that can make her feel empathy for you.
anita
June 29, 2017 at 1:41 pm #155622KaylonParticipantHi May, I appreciate your thoughts.
I get your point that some girls get obsessed with their boyfriend and stop investing in their friendship. Only when the relationship ended did they remembered to go to their friends. That’s never me. I always make sure I allocate time for my friends, even if I get very busy with school/work. I’m very supportive of my friends and the first person they think of when they need someone to listen/vent/be there. And I always held my words.
It’s still kinda difficult for me to look at the situation objectively, because to be honest, I wanted to spend time with my bf more than go to the party.
June 29, 2017 at 1:50 pm #155624KaylonParticipantYes, driving 2hr one way to a party is a lot of driving. And I’m the person who always asks for a ride if I don’t have to drive.
I’m about half of your age. I had a tough time accepting not all my friends were supposed to stay in my life. Once I figure that out, I stop stressing about how long my friendship with someone will last. One thing I can say is that my boyfriend has definitely brought more positives to me/my life than my friends. Yes I love my friends and I enjoy my time with them and we support each other. But my boyfriend tells me to push harder and that he believes I can do it. He always says:”I never doubt you can get there. You put in 100% of your efforts. No regrets.” On the other hand my friends tell me “you know, it’s very difficult. You should be proud of how far you’ve come.” I’m not judging either party, but the way my boyfriend responds gives me more courage and helps me become a better person.
June 29, 2017 at 2:11 pm #155628KaylonParticipantReally thank you @anita! :3
I met up with her yesterday. She said she might have overreacted. Her mom invited more than 20 people from the church. Because she hasn’t been very religious since she discovered her sexual orientation, she felt she had to hide the real her in front of those people. She had already been scared of the party. Knowing that I wouldn’t come made her terrified of the party. But the party itself was fine. People were just chatting and asking her about school and next steps. Nothing that might upset her came up.
Before meeting up with her for dinner, I went to buy some gifts for her graduation party. I spent more than 100 dollars and did monogram for her. When we were ready to pay for the dinner, she asked the waitress to split the bill but was told we could only split evenly. Then I realized I ordered a drink ($3) to share. I guess she counted the drink on me, although we each had half of it. That was a quick thought process. After the waitress left, she said my dish was about 50 cents higher than hers and asked how I wanted to pay her back.
I was a bit surprised at the moment. We had gone to dinners many times. She’s the type who always orders an appetizer and a dish. So she always had more to pay. But we had always split the bill evenly. Sometimes she asked if I wanted her to pay me back, I said it was fine. Last night was the only time that she didn’t have appetizer and what I ordered was $3.5 than hers. She was so prompted to make me pay her back. I offered to pay the tip for the whole table. And she was okay with that.
I wasn’t and still am not very happy about that suggestion. I mean all those gifts she just received from me and she was being almost stingy with money. I don’t know if I’m overreacting now.
June 29, 2017 at 2:35 pm #155640MacyParticipantKaylon,
I just about bust out laughing that she wanted to ask for .50…and assumed you pay for a drink and you bought her a gift for $100…and you picked up the tip ..okay I take back everything I said previously, I’m glad you did hang out with your boyfriend…you had made the right choice.
June 30, 2017 at 6:11 am #155764AnonymousGuestDear Kaylon:
More information is helpful when evaluating people and situations. Your last post does provide more information about your friend and the friendship, and about you. You often pay more than your share of meals out, yesterday you gave her expensive gifts and on the same day she wants you to pay her fifty cents- what does this tell you, what does this mean to you about what matters to her, about her priorities, her values and yours?
anita
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