Forum Replies Created
August 29, 2017 at 12:01 pm #166114
The divorce and what led up to it…is not your issue. Staying away from a parent to protect yourself from emotional abuse was right. If your mom wants to have a healthy relationship with you, Than she needs help and to stop unloading her baggage and her issues on you, and your sister.
You did not betray your mom for going to live with your dad. Your mom betrayed you for stepping over the boundaries of being a proper parent and keeping her issues to herself, and not letting you be the child who still has a dad and a mom regardless if they don't live together any more.
Do things that make you happy…it doesn't sound like university is it right now…maybe it's what you are studying and maybe look at a change….or look into a work visa to go to Ireland and what the requirements are.
MacyAugust 25, 2017 at 8:01 pm #165684
You have a lot going on so it only makes sense to me that your emotions are all over the place.
First of all I will say that it's great that you have a parent who seems to back yo…thats a wonderful thing to have…the support from a parent. Don't worry about making your mom proud or not to disappoint her…she seems supportive..therefore would be proud of you and your accomplishments.
Secondly, sorry to hear of your break up…please don't take all of the blame…as females we tend to have some jealousy issues some maybe more than others…but were there times that he brought it on? It's natural to second guess a break up… were there certain situations that brought on insecurities or were you emotionally abusive because he wasn't showing enough affection?
Also, my advice do not ask him about her..as it will show insecurities…which is not what you want him to see..as it will bring up any past issues to mind…any thoughts you want are to see you as a positive happy person.
Another point…of course he will post happy pictures of himself…he won't post a pic of him being sad….but a lot of times we think our exes are happier than what they really are.
MacyAugust 21, 2017 at 9:28 pm #165084
Attractiveness doesn't always mean pretty/good looking. What most men find to be attractive, is a woman who is confident in who she is…not based on looks but rather the inner beauty, that resonates outward. Confidence is attractive. Also remember pictures can be airbrushed (which a lot are on fb)..a beautiful personality can't be.
Don't ever second guess yourself…your bf is just as lucky to have you, as my much as you appreciate him.
MacyAugust 10, 2017 at 8:59 am #163316
Last night I posted on your other thread, and than read this one today. I must say that I thought you were in your early twenties (not that this matters by any means), I just think you are wise beyond your years. It breaks my heart when I hear so many young people having a crappy home life…children's security and happiness should always be placed as a priority. You said you have no friends…is it possible to switch schools? Sometimes a new school gives new opportunities. I have 2 girls…my oldest is now 17. Up until grade 5, my oldest had no friends at school and it was hard to watch. The start of grade 6 I put my foot down and said she needed to switch schools…I said give it a couple of weeks if you don't like it I will switch you back to the other school. Right from day one at her new school she loved it…and years later the ones who wouldn't give her the time or day, are wanting to be her friend…but she has other friends and doesn't need them.
You said you have your mom….are you able to talk to her on how you feel…and does she not see how your dad is abusive to you?
You indicated in your other thread LGBT.. (I may come across a bit naive …(and i am sorry, not being rude)just because I do not know much about LGBT), but does the city you live in have support groups? Cause than I'm sure you would find a great support network of friends.
MacyAugust 9, 2017 at 9:04 pm #163216
This kind of reminds me of a recent relationship that I had. Dated for over 3+ years..in the beginning the relationship was awesome, sex was plentiful….but the last 6 months, I felt myself pulling away…the relationship became very mundane….just like after Tuesday, becomes Wednesday..than Thursday..etc…I could predict how each day would go…and I started to pull away to just go on social media..out of boredom.
Not by any means blaming one or the other, but this sounds a lot what I went through.August 9, 2017 at 8:33 pm #163206
Thanks for explaining what pan-sexual is…I never heard of that until I read your thread. However, that makes sense to me, to be attracted to a personality, vs what genitals that person may have. I am a female who is attracted to the opposite sex…but I believe whomever a person wants to be, whether it's to change their sexual orientation, or be attracted to the same sex, or be it to the other persons personality.I think it's good that anyone can express who they are and whomever they want to be attracted to and not criticized for it.
Going back to pan-sexual…you know in my line of work..I deal with men and women..and i find that sometimes I could talk for hours to some people..sometimes it's a man, the next it's a female..but it's because of our personalities with some that just click…so I get what you are saying and makes sense to me.
Did I understand your explanation correctly?
MacyJuly 28, 2017 at 8:55 am #160754
On my last paragraph..in no way do I think all your money should be 50/50..only bills should be…I was just trying to point out that regardless who made more he would still want to be in control.July 28, 2017 at 8:45 am #160752
First of all sorry I called you Siri in my last response. .sorry.
If you tried talking to him, maybe try marriage councilling, however I think he will buck at that because he didn't go to your doctor appointment, which to me is more important than any money issue…that to me speaks volumes as to how controlling and disrespectful he is to you.
So he has given you the ultimatum, are you ok with leaving? Otherwise if you stay you will be under his thumb, is that what you want for the rest of your life? Next he will take your paycheque away and give you an allowance according to what you've done around the home or how your behaviour is.
Maybe take a time out away from each other..if you have a close friend or family near by, maybe you can move in with them for a bit, to give you clear breathing room, and will allow your husband to think what he has demanded on you…it will also let him know that his ultimatum may be something that will take place..he may think otherwise once you would remove yourself away from him for awhile.
So if he made more money than you, he would still be in control..so it's not like all the money would go into a joint account where it would be shared 50/50…he just wants to control it all.July 27, 2017 at 1:10 pm #160548
I'm sorry but whatever your income you make is yours beyond the 50-50 bill split. Whatever job/career he chose was his decision..which gave him whatever income he now earns. That was his decision in life. Your career/job was based on your decision in life. I'm not religious by any means (I believe in God and follow a good life), but sorry to be like a servant to a man who needs to control your money and how you spend your money and where you are going? We aren't in the 1950's anymore. Obviously your gut is saying no…and rightfully so. Interesting how you need treatment where the doctor said and him too…oh but the master of the household says he doesn't have to go. Oy!!! And than if you don't *obey* him you must separate? Maybe send him a postcard from the next vacation you're on. I'm sorry I can't give advice to say let him control your money…I think if you explain how you did here he should understand it..it only makes sense to me.
MacyJuly 14, 2017 at 8:01 pm #158206
Thank you for responding.
Yes, I feel he is still putting everything on me, that any issue is my fault and “i” need to fix things by changing my ways or to say I'm sorry, I was wrong. I have not felt excited about our last 2 talks. If we got back together, I know he would point out my faults in this situation…a way to control me, a way to think he is right and I'm wrong or did wrong. After it would get better than over time it would deteriorate by taking advantage of situations. We broke up a couple of times in the past and I always made contact and explained that I wanted him. This time, I have not missed him and am ok to move on even if I'm alone. I also think my relationship with his kids would not be good, rather on the “cool” side, it would be uncomfortable for me. No he hasn't said he missed me, but I didn't say it either. The two times we broke up he was quick to go out on a date or start dating…I went out a few times but I couldn't hold the guys hand or kiss him cause it didn't feel right..but I know he slept with another woman. He says each time he realized they weren't me..and wanted to be with me. He's a stubborn person, but I can be too. I'm not perfect by any means, however, I think this time I'm done. I thought how will I feel if I see him with another woman..I may feel otherwise, but I think I could handle it..yah it may hurt but I hope it would be a day I look dam good lol. During this time apart ive had rimes where I questioned if I'm too hard and should be more of a softer person…I am a harder type personality than a lot of other women..and I've been told that by my family members..but than I have a very soft sensitive personality. Where I could cry just watching a lame commercial. Things make me tough..but other things bring out my soft side. The last 2 times we broke up I would mark on my calander another day no contact…this time ..haven't even touched it. I bike a new cycle of 17 km not anywhere near where he lives a couple times a week..I walk daily..except today..I felt lazy lol. I don't plan on being in contact with him again. So what are your thoughts? And if he contacts me ..which I think he will , maybe not soon but in a few weeks…should I just ignore him? …I'm the type if I get a text…I reply ..always cause I think it's rude not to.
MacyJuly 14, 2017 at 12:00 pm #158130
Update … again
So this past week we talked…he said he never wanted me to feel bad about the situation….but it didn't come across that way the first time we talked when he chewed me out and said if they harm themself in any way… (referencing it would be all my fault)…than said I haven't tried to talk to him in about a month, I said because he said he was dealing with his kids issue and if I didn't hear from him for awhile that would be the reason why. So we didn't officially call it off I had just stopped communication and had walked away. So now it was my issue for not trying to talk to him. And it's bogus how he never wanted me to feel bad about it. I think he just realized I was walking and not groveling on my hands and knees.
So what are your thoughts?
MacyJuly 11, 2017 at 8:16 pm #157584
It sounds like you obviously don't want to break up…as everything up to the 2 hour fb talk were great. And we have all had these moments where a day is perfect than something said is taken the wrong way…and text in any way is hard..because what your frame of mind is and his could be different. That unfortunately, is the bad thing about text vs in person.
So was it something in your fb talk that either you took the wrong way or your boyfriend?
Cause it seems up till then everything was great. Especially when you were talking about travels and marriage. Usually when there is a breakup there is a couple months when one can tell it's not going well…and one can even tell if it's the other person pulling away. It doesn't sound that way with your relationship. And yes not every relationship is not perfect…there are always disagreements for sure.
MacyJuly 11, 2017 at 7:15 pm #157574
First sorry for the heartbreak you are going through right now…breakups aren't easy regardless who initiates it.
The first thing you said was that you initiated it…why..were you not happy..did you feel your boyfriend was pulling from you? You said you regret it now..and yes sometimes we second guess our decisions…but is it cause you miss him, or were things not as bad, or were there high expectations on your boyfriend?
Leading up to breakups…one has certain thoughts and feelings toward the other person…what were yours?
MacyJuly 10, 2017 at 4:08 pm #157400
Good job for putting yourself first..and for keeping the promise you made to yourself, that you would never be with another man who had a temper.
I get the point that it is loney and you would be happy to be with someone..and you somewhat regret not having gone back to your ex..but whenever something like this hapens to me (I had a recent breakup)…I remember how unhappy I was when I was with him…so being alone isn't so bad.
I think when you become content by being by yourself you will meet someone…being happy and content gives off vibes…people are attracted to that.
I think it's great that you are investing in yourself at this time….additional knowledge always pays off. A lot of cities offer cooking classes or wine classes…if there is something that you enjoy..you never know who you'd meet there..besides it would be common ground of interest.
I hope that was a bit of help.
MacyJuly 9, 2017 at 9:50 pm #157272
I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing.
I'm also sorry to hear of the heavy burden you feel from your mom's unhappiness. It does put a lot of stress on you, which isn't fair.
Does your mom have hobbies? Or maybe suggest some type of activity…like yoga, or if she enjoys crafts she can't join groups.
She is obviously in a slump and it's not good for her or you. …and will put a strain on your relationship. ..which you don't want. Everyone deals with death differently and everyone has their own time to heal..are you able to talk to her about joining groups? I feel as though she doesn't have enough to keep her busy and her mind is racing and misses the company of your dad when she sees other people enjoying life and it's like a self torchure she is doing, but it's also hurting you.