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Interacting with my BF's adult children

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Macy 1 day, 6 hours ago.

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  • #154050

    Macy
    Participant

    Here is the issue…my bf of 7 years (we don’t live together)…has 4 adult children…I personally think his children are unrespectful at most times towards him…they are nice when they need money. So for Father’s day…they never made him supper or took him out for supper..he actually ate by himself. I had to work so I was unable to be there. One child is upset towards him…I called to say it would be nice to wish your dad a happy Father’s day…it’s a day to show appreciation  for the things he has done for you..I thought I was being polite but not trying to bully my thoughts as I know it would bug him not to hear from his child…I was told it’s none of my business..(tbh I think his kids have always had an issue with me..attention away from them..idk)they don’t live at home. Now he’s mad at me for trying. I’m actually at the point of walking away from this relationship…you try to help…I get shit…it’s almost to the point that he’s never happy with anything I do..he’s very judgemental..and always right..everyone is always wrong.

    So I was probably in the wrong for trying..and probably should of let it go..he has spoiled them so much..they all walk all over him..and they treat him like crap.

    Thoughts??

    #154062

    Eliana
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Macy,</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>You have been with this man for seven years, it is only natural that his children in one way or another are going to be involved with you, he is certainly not going to hide you in a closet, or prevent you from answering the phone.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I think it shows that you care about his well-being especially on Fathers Day. The fact that they don’t do anything for him for father’s Day is a lack of respect, which they may have learned from him, because he is treating you the very same way.  It may be better for him to give you a hug and thank you for caring, and just say he is sad, but that’s just the way it is, than to be rude with you.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I would have a talk with him, where there are no distractions and ask him where he sees you in his children’s lives, and you would like to be involved more and be treated with respect. No one should be talked down to and disrespected. Let me know your thoughts?</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”></p>
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    #154064

    Macy
    Participant

    Eliana

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Yes I do agree he does not respect me. Years ago I use to let him push me around (verbally not physically), and I use to just suck it up, but lately I just started to have had enough.  One can only take so much before you want to walk. I’m glad to know that you thought I didn’t overstep with his kids.

    Thank you

    #154154

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    You tried. He knows how you feel and that you tried to fix it. His kids know how you feel and that you tried to fix it.

    Now you need to drop the rope and let them have their own relationship with each other. And you don’t need to have a relationship with them yourself.

    If you continue to interfere, the issue (for them) can become about you, and not about the real issue. People love to concentrate on distractions rather than the thing they should be concerned about.

    Just tell your BF that you are here if he needs you.

    Best,

    Inky

    #154156

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Macy:

    You asked for thoughts, here are mine:

    You wrote about your boyfriend, the father of four adult children: “… he’s never happy with anything I do..he’s very judgemental..and always right..everyone is always wrong”

    And then you wrote about him as a parent: “(he)  has spoiled them so much”- financially, perhaps, having given them money, but what if he was with his children the way he is with you, what if he was never happy with anything they did, judged them harshly; what if in relationships with them he pointed to them being always wrong?

    That wouldn’t be good parenting/ good relationships. It would cause his children to be angry with him, and just like you are considering ending the relationship, they may be interested in the same, except that money keeps them around.

    He probably knows it and they do too. And it may be that in the strangest way, it is working for all of them because changing the nature of the relationships is too difficult, complicated and will require so much work.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 17 hours ago by  anita.
    #154172

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    You’re very welcome, No one deserves to be pushed around physically, emotionally, and disrespected. I think you are making a wise choice. Keep us posted.

    #154850

    Macy
    Participant

    Update…

    Inky….you hit the nail on the head…I was told the adult wants nothing to do with me ever. Was told they are taking councilling…which I never knew there were any major issues..was told by the father that if his child ever hurts themself, it will be all my fault….as I was the icing on the cake.

    Think they never liked me from the beginning, so perfect time to hate me and make me look like a terrible person..for only trying to help. It’s very hurtful for the comment about if they hurt themself it will be all my fault.  I’ve left this relationship, ..I can’t do this any more. For as much as one wants to be in a relationship…I cant be in one that doesn’t give me any good reason to be in one.

    Thanks for all the input…was very helpful to hear strangers think I didn’t do something that really wasn’t so bad.

    #154948

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Macy,

    Wow, that’s pretty juvenile, belittling to you and awful what they are doing. Clearly they have no sense of boundaries or respesct, and unfortunately, you became the brunt of it. I don’t know how you did it, but I think you are a very strong, beautiful and caring person for putting up with everything for so long.

    There are alot of wonderful men out there who would leap at a chance to have someone caring in their children’s lives. This man is missing out. I’m so glad you made the decision you did.

    #154956

    Macy
    Participant

    Awww Eliana that was very sweet of you to say. Thank you!!! All breakups are tough regardless who initiates it. One day….I hope I meet a real nice guy….until then, I just have to keep myself busy with exercise and knowing I’m better than how I was treated.

    Thank you for taking the time to respond.

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