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How to deal with loneliness

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  • #157240
    sophie
    Participant

    I wrote a few things on here as I went thru a divorce and also a break-up.

    I am in my mid 30’s working professional living in Manhattan. I divorced almost 4 years ago. We grew apart and I am happy that I am divorced and I don’t have to bear his child. I believe that he can be a great husband/dad if he meets a woman who loves him as much as he does. Then 1.5 years later, I met this guy and we’ve dated for 1.7 years. Six months into the relationship, I realized that he wasn’t for the long-term relationship as he exhibited a short-temper. My ex husband had an anger issue and I promised myself that I will never be involved with a guy with an anger management problem. My ex boyfriend was worse than my ex husband and his mother also asked me if I know he has a short temper so go figure. As I kept my distance from him, he realized that I will never forget/forgive what he has done and he finally decided to end it. I was relieved that it was over, but also sad that I am left with no one.

    Now 10 months later, I am still single and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I am envious that he found someone, yet I am still single. I’ve dated many guys since my break up last year. I’ve been on one too many first dates… No one felt right for me.  I’ve been on several dates with the same guy and when he wanted to move the relationship further, I got scared and pulled away.

    I am thinking a lot about what the problem is these days as I feel extremely lonely at times. I get very lonely when I am alone at night as I get very emotional. I get nightmare and find myself waking up all alarmed and sweating.

    So, I know I want a boyfriend… someone to share my life with… but it seems so darn hard to find someone we both share the same feelings about each other. I met a guy that I felt fairly good about and he lives in another state. We’ve kept in touch for months but I know it will never work out. And, maybe I fantasize him thinking that he is somehow special just because he is miles away from me.

    I decided to quit online dating, which was my main source of getting dates. Instead, I’ve decided to focus on myself learning subjects that I’ve always been interested, such as wine, history, yoga, etc. I’ve put myself out there on meet up to meet new people and I’ve been going to the temple for meditation and buddhist lectures. I am making plans with my girlfriends and making plans for myself to improve… but still I feel something is missing. I am very tired of online dating where people basically shop for a date in the most efficient, yet bizarre way and where people become livestocks. I myself also started seeing people based on look, career, achievement rather than their personal traits, value, and belief system. Of course, things won’t work out that way. I am tired of being superficial and being judged superficially.

    Hence, I quit all dating. If I meet someone in an organic way, I will be delighted but I am moving myself away from online dating at least for a while. Now, my evenings are freed up from all meaningless first dates. I am doing what I wanted to do… but still at times, loneliness strikes me badly without a warning. I want to be good at dealing with loneliness. I want to be comfortable being single. I want to get used to it to the point I don’t feel that much lonely. I understand that being single is better than being in a bad relationship but sometimes, I think to myself I should’ve begged my ex boyfriend to stay in a relationship, which I know would’ve been disastrous. This is how lonely I feel sometimes.

    These days, I just feel like giving up my life in the states and going back to the country where I was born/raised and where my family/close friends are. It often feels more of surviving than living. I tend to get back up to the bright side of life quick enough for me to stay positive and not fall into the trap of depression, which is good. Hope I will feel better tomorrow. If you guys have any tips, please let me know!

    #157244
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    Learning something can also really help with loneliness. It helps fill the lonely hours, and you forget about yourself as you are learning the new skill. I might suggest learning a new language.

    Also, focusing on the progress you are making on becoming the person you want to become can also help with loneliness. Decide who you want to become and move a little closer toward that person each day. Create a list of goals, then choose one, create a list of steps, and then try to complete a step each day.

    I found that finding ways to help other people helps make me feel less lonely. At the end of the day you can reflect on all the good you caused instead of what is missing.

    #157306
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sophie:

    You wrote: ” I’ve been on several dates with the same guy and when he wanted to move the relationship further, I got scared and pulled away.”- you got fearful, anxious.

    Then you wrote: “I get nightmare and find myself waking up all alarmed and sweating. So, I know I want a boyfriend… someone to share my life with”- I am thinking that maybe the solution to the anxiety is not a boyfriend but quality psychotherapy. I bet there is a lot of quality psychotherapy in Manhattan, and as a professional, I hope you can afford it.

    There is something in such therapy, I tend to think, that will make your life be more about living than surviving (“It often feels more of surviving than living”).

    anita

     

     

     

    #157314
    Tiela Garnett
    Participant

    Hi Sophie,

    There is a big difference between 1) feeling anxious, lonely and depressed and looking for a relationship to avoid those uncomfortable feelings and 2) being balanced and joyous and looking to share your aliveness with another person.  The first option will always lead you into suffering because it’s based on fear (avoidance =  fear).  The second option is based on love.

    It sounds to me like you are on the right track.  You have made the choice to be without a relationship rather than be in a bad one – bravo!  And you are filling your time with new interests.  Just make sure you are not running away from uncomfortable feelings. When loneliness and anxiety arise, allow those feelings to exist.  Observe them and feel them fully, even though it is uncomfortable.  Do NOT, however, entire a dialogue with/about the feelings!  That will drive you into a mental/emotional spiral.  Instead, focus your attention on the energy in your body, the breath flowing in and out of your lungs.  Allow the body to relax and soften and allow any and all feelings to exist.  They will pass.  By doing this, you will be strengthening your presence and your life – you will be taking yourself from “surviving” to “living” and, when the time is right and you are truly ready, a partner will appear.

    Keep up the good work and, if this is not clear, please ask any question that arises.

    Tiela

    #157400
    Macy
    Participant

    Sophie

    Good job for putting yourself first..and for keeping the promise you made to yourself, that you would never be with another man who had a temper.

    I get the point that it is loney and you would be happy to be with someone..and you somewhat regret not having gone back to your ex..but whenever something like this hapens to me (I had a recent breakup)…I remember how unhappy I was when I was with him…so being alone isn’t so bad.

    I think when you become content by being by yourself you will meet someone…being happy and content gives off vibes…people are attracted to that.

    I think it’s great that you are investing in yourself at this time….additional knowledge always pays off. A lot of cities offer cooking classes or wine classes…if there is something that you enjoy..you never know who you’d meet there..besides it would be common ground of interest.

    I hope that was a bit of help.

    Macy

     

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