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I completely lost it and now i am beating myself up.

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  • #57592
    kelli s
    Participant

    I am pretty overwhelmed in my life right now. I am jobless, have horrible credit and my parents are still financially supporting me. That said, they pay for my apartment, and have the apartment in their name, since I would not get approved on a place due to evictions on my credit. I have been in my apartment now for ten months, on an eleven month lease. When I moved in the guy in the leasing office let me slide and bended the rules for me to move in under my parents name. These past ten months have been amazing, and I have grown and accomplished so much in life and am on my way to success. My lease is almost up, and the new girl in the leasing office has been completely negative and rude to me since she started working here and the nice guy who let me slide is gone. First, she was mad I had a dog and wasn’t paying the pet rent. And now she called and told my dad that if I were to stay and renew my lease, then they will have to run my credit and put my name on the lease. And if I don’t pass the credit check, then I can’t stay. This is very overwhelming right now, because I am in no shape to find a place and move within 30 days. It immediately made me panic when my dad relayed the information to me. I also am busy as I just get a new agent am finally auditioning (I am an actor). I feel so much anger and rage because now I am dealing with the apartment drama and am not 100% at my auditions and have been so stressed I can’t sleep, and look like hell. So yesterday morning after a sleepless night and before and audition, I decided to go into the leasing office and try to talk to the woman like a normal, civil human being. As I was waiting to talk to her about the lease and letting me stay, the guy at the front asked me if there was anything that he could help me with. I told him it was an issue I needed to speak to the woman about, but filled him in on what was going on. I have been here 10 months, have always paid rent on time, am very quiet and keep to myself, and don’t understand why this woman is coming at me like this, especially when the previous manager let me slide and rent the place. She then came out of her office and said in a very very aggressive attacking way “if you can prove the previous manager said you could have the dog without putting it on the lease, then I will let it slide” I responded in a very defensive way “i am not here about the dog, i am here about the lease. I don’t understand why you are doing this to me when i have always paid rent on time and the previous manager said it would be okay since my parents still financially support me” she said “It is the law that all occupants have to be on the lease”… we were pretty much yelling at each other in front of everyone in the office and i kept asking why it was a big deal blah blah and she kept saying “it is the rules and the law” so i exploded and said “DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BY THE ****ING RULES???” She said “you need to leave the office”. so I responded with “You are a miserable person and I feel sorry for you” and left.

    The fact I said those last words, are eating my alive. It caused me to bing drink last night, exploding on the guy i am seeing and having him leave my apt, and now I am in a huge shameful spiral of sadness, guilt, embarrassment, anxiety, anger… and so on. I am so mad in the way i reacted, i am stressed i don’t know where i am going to live, and i am even more mad this is happening at a time when i am having career opportunities presented to me, but the negativity from all of this, is getting in the way of moving ahead in life.

    I know I handled the situation in a bad way, but was I absolutely completely out of line? I mean, I know it is the law, but this woman is pretty much harassing me with issues one after the other. I feel digested with myself for what I said, I feel so beyond hurt that I took it out on the one good person in my life, and I feel so heartbroken where my life is at. I was in such a positive state before all the apartment issues popped up, now i am afraid i am going down the tunnel of negativity and I won’t get back up. How can i heal myself? How can I release my anger? I am so down and sad right now, I don’t know what to do. How can I stop beating myself up for what I said to the woman??? Why is this issue bringing up all these feelings of fear and anxiety and regret from the past? All things, I thought I have already worked through, are popping up again.

    Sorry for rambling. i hope this makes sense

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by kelli s.
    #57612
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Kelli,

    You use alcohol, blame – others and yourself like a drug to cope temporarily. You dont have a job, have a great deal of debt (how did that happen again?) and depend on your parents for finances – current situation.

    The world is not out there to get you.

    You need to grow up already – she’s doing her job and is just following the rules – forget the matter on dog rent – are you actually right on the lease matter? You had about 10 months to figure out another solution, didnt you? Werent you aware that the leniency of the previous manager was what made you get away last time?

    How much will you escape from facing these problems head on, with their consequences?

    The consequences at this moment would be that you will lose the apartment but there’s a bigger problem than that – its losing that sense of “control” you finally started to feel over the past few months, right? The apartment represented your independence and its loss is bringing back a lot of unpleasant feelings.

    You, too are responsible for the loss.

    But does beating yourself make any difference to the situation? Not really. Whats done is done.

    Worst case scenario: You lose the apartment, crash into a friend’s place or go back to your parents temporarily. Try looking for a part-time job atleast – just getting auditions at acting classes is not going to start paying bills unless you have a major breakthrough.

    Consider why you have such poor credit history? Lack of knowledge, bad luck, poor choices? Secondly, what can you do to “reduce” the debt? or better yet, stop incurring more and more?

    Unless you really take some practical actions without always dipping yourself in internal drama, this is not going to get resolved -you can do all the yoga, meditation, spiritual classes you want and read a zillion tiny buddha articles, but unless you act like a responsible adult, you will not become one.

    Dont waste your time brooding over the past – whats done is done. Now you have to face consequences, figure out sensible solutions given the present situation – if required, talk to your parents – ask them for advice on what you can do about this. The other members here will have new inputs to offer.

    As for the guy Kelli, i dont understand why you’re letting one incident decide just a chunk of it – you were in a foul mood and whats the point of playing “doomsday” prophet when it goes out of line. Apologize sincerely and say you will behave better – that is really all you can actually do rather than sitting on your couch and crying.

    Get up, stop blaming the world and yourself – do whatever you can to salvage the situation you are partly responsible for.

    You’ll be okay – this is a tough time but it will make you stronger and wiser.

    – Moon

    #57782
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Kelli,

    You are beating yourself up because you are basically a nice person !

    Losing control of your situation is making you act abnormally. Life’s problems will do that to almost everyone !!

    Following up on Moon’s post, please try to regain control of your life and take small steps towards fixing your it.

    And please don’t use alcohol/drugs as a way out.

    GOD Bless !

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