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I do not know how to stick to my own guns

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  • #109852
    Sunny
    Participant

    There are many things I love: people, places, movies, books, etc. As a person with anxiety, it gives me great joy to have these moments with these things where I don’t overthink, I enjoy the moment and the only anxious feeling I feel is excitement.

    However, the minute someone questions me about the things I love, or I see some contradicting or negative thing being said, I begin to question my love. So much so, that I start to feel guilty and crazy for loving this thing in the first place. It doesn’t even have to be confrontational. For example: I went to pick up this book at the mall, went in completely excited for this book, got to cashier who told me she really had no idea why anyone would want to make a book about this topic. I walked out of the store, no longer feeling excited about the book but rather, started questioning myself as to why I liked it, and why I shouldn’t.

    This happens so often, any little bit of opposition and I think I’m the crazy one. I wonder what’s wrong with me for liking this? Why don’t I hate him/her/it like the other person? I probably shouldn’t like this because clearly other people don’t as well.

    I’m sick of this back and forth in my head. I know I’m a people pleaser, but the things that I love don’t harm anyone else, how I can keep loving them without thinking I’m crazy or weird for doing so?

    #109903
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sublimechange:

    You have a strong Inner Critic, an abusive Inner Critic who gives you a hard time, rains on your parade. “You shouldn’t…”You are wrong to think this, feel this, want this..

    When a person outside of you suggests you shouldn’t or that you are wrong to think/feel/want etc., that person triggers your own abusive Inner Critic, activates it and the Inner Critic continues the job started by the ex, cashier.

    We all need an Inner Critic, one to tell us to wait our turn in line, to follow traffic laws etc. The inner critic takes after our parent/s. If the parent was gentle and loving in guiding us how to behave socially, then our inner critic would be gentle and loving with us as well. But if the parent was overly critical, punishing, impatient, etc. then our inner critic would be as well.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #109913
    Sunny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    This does make sense. Growing up, my parents were critical of me. I guess I never thought of their habits as being abusive. How does one work to correct this?

    #109923
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sublimechange:

    There are some articles online that may be good, such as, maybe “shrinking the toxic inner critic” – I think the wording is, by a Pete Walker, on his website.

    To shrink the abusive/ toxic inner critic, first need to pay attention to it when it is .. talking to you, detect it: oh, here it is! Here is what it is saying… Then re-talk to yourself, the CBT thing- evaluate what the critic is saying for accuracy, and correct your thinking, make it accurate. Basically you replace the abusive inner critic with a new, loving and gentle inner critic.

    You… kind of get a new Parent installed in your brain…Takes time, dedication, persistence and a whole lot of patience.

    Post again.

    anita

    #110025
    Sunny
    Participant

    Hi anita, I read an article on Tiny Buddha about the inner critic, which helps so much because I wasn’t sure what my problem was specifically. Also, I am doing CBT for other issues, but I can definitely incorporate the inner critic into my work.

    Thank you so much for your help!

    #110032
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sublimechange:

    You are welcome. Incorporating the Inner Critic into your CBT work makes a lot of sense. Hope you post again.

    anita

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