AmyJ,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can empathize with a heart that loves a troublesome partner. Frankly, and this might sting, he sounds like a dud. Unprepared for the love you’ve offered him, he doesn’t see/feel/know. He might grow, but there are some serious red flags. Setting a date for when he’ll stop cheating? What? And you roll over for that? What? You’re better than that, more deserving than that, and the only person who will ever give the gift of a backbone to you is yourself. If he were my partner, I’d punch him in the balls, hard, and then go try to find peace, forgiveness. Whatcha doing with all that rage, dear sister? Eating it? Suppressing it? Turning it into self pity?

Sometimes when we’ve had an overly pokey parent (critical, shaming, distracted) we can feel kinda low about ourselves. Like we deserve whatever scraps of love and affection are tossed our way. This is garbage, old baggage, a nagging fly of a voice inside. Don’t be fooled. You are a brilliant and important piece of nature, a slumbering goddess, and those who tell you otherwise are blind. Forgive them, love them, but don’t listen to them.

Finally, you seem to be punishing yourself for loving, just because he makes poor choices. Consider a different view. Your heart is so strong that it loves someone that is difficult to love. I’m not sure I could love under those circumstances… be proud of your strength, its awesome. However, the stress of it also keeps your light dim, your eyes darting all around, mind bouncing. To help with that, to bring your light back to radiance, consider metta meditation. Metta is the feeling of friendly warmth inside us, and helps to grow a peaceful and spacious quality to our body. Then, something like your friend’s feeling of betrayal causing all sorts of pokes and prods, can be met with some hugs. Eventually, her pokes will stop, if she really is your friend. Perhaps she doesn’t trust that you love her, because of what happened. Metta helps us weather the stones tossed at us, so our hearts are non-reactive. Such as “yes, dear friend, it makes sense that you’re hurting. I love you.” If you’re thinking in that way, it’ll help both of you… even if she doesn’t let you get a word in. The river always erodes the stone, but does it with constancy, flowing. So does our kindness soothe the pain of our loved ones, as they see that their thoughts, feelings and perceptions are welcomed. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

Namaste, dear sister, may your heart light your path of joy.

With warmth,
Matt