I lived in China for a year teaching English, and in the last 2 months before finishing my contract, i started seeing a chinese guy. We had a great time together, but when it started i had no intention of continuing it after i left, as i was going to thailand  (where i am currently) to complete a yoga teacher training course and after that i wasnt sure if i wanted to go back to China after completing it, since i always want to be seeing new places. However, in the last month i really started to appreciate my life in China a lot more and could see myself coming back. So i didn’t end it. I told him I’d see him in a few months after i finish my training and visiting home. I even left some stuff at his place.

Now, I’m not so sure. The yoga course is causing me to reflect inwards and i seem to come to different conclusions every day. Some days I’ll be scared about the commitment that i made, and feel it was a mistake. Another day, Ill be comfortable past with my decision and looking forward to coming back. In relationships ive always been flighty with men. One day i can’t get enough of them and find everything they do so attractive and irresistible. The next day I’ll be turned off by them completely, everything they do annoys me, I’m not attracted to them in any way and i want them to leave me alone and stop messaging me.

So right now this is happening, except it’s long distance. He’s someone that needs me to message everyday, and sometimes that makes me resentful and feel like i can’t be free. There’s been a few times when this has hurt his feelings and then i get a flood of regret and feel so upset that ive hurt him because he’s  so kind. And there are days when coming back to China feels great. I look forward to seeing him again, coming back to the familiarity and comfort of a city i know, coming back to the friends i told I’d see again.

This complete split is taking away my peace in the yoga course. Any time we’re in silence or meditating, it feels like torture. My mind mulls over everything a million times over. I get fearful thoughts about both options.  If i don’t go back, it’s such a betrayal to him, and will hurt him so much. I have never given him any impression that i won’t come back. When i think about going back, I’m scared that I’m just repeating another year there out of comfort and i don’t want a relationship to be a reason i stay in China for a whole additional year.

If anyone has any insight or questions i can ask myself, I’d really appreciate it. I’m so conflicted i feel like i dont know myself.

• This topic was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.