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I don't know what to do anymore

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  • #117627
    Jax
    Participant

    I apologize in advance for the length and if i get a little confusing or if the content gets cluttered. So I am in a state where I feel like there is no solution to most of the things in my life, if there are, then they are not good solutions. I will begin by telling you that I am a girl, 16 and when I was 13 I began to attempt to save/help people who were going through depression. I knew that I was not a professional but I also knew that I am a very empathetic person and I am able to understand most people in my life and because of that I felt like it was my job to put my “gift” into action. So I purposely looked for depressed/suicidal people. I have helped/saved about 7 people through depression. Most I do not keep contact with anymore because I had to overcome something myself, so after I was done helping/saving those people along with myself, I took a break from it. One of those people, Al, however fell in love with me and is now my girlfriend. We began dating almost 2 years ago and at first, I felt kind of obligated to go out with her but I also did develop feelings for her at the time I was saving her, which was a year before we started dating, but since I was 14, I didn’t know if they were just hormones and not actual feelings so those feelings left but then I began to regain them as she started to fall deeper in love with me. I politely rejected her the first time she confessed to me but then her friends started telling me how depressed she was because of it and one of them actually convinced me to try the relationship out, so I did. And at the start of our relationship, I did not have much feelings for her. But after about a month into the relationship, I began to fall in love with her and I still cannot pinpoint the exact reason why. But anyways, our relationship was good in all aspects until one incident occurred which caused much of the conflict we have today. Basically what happened is that a girl, Rebecca, that had feelings for Al began to act like she was her girlfriend and not mine and Al did nothing about it until I confronted her about it and she handled it in a very bad way. I forgave her for it but I still hold a grudge and I really wish I didn’t but I just don’t know how to get over it. After this conflict which occurred almost a year ago along with many other different conflicts, our relationship has been very unsteady in all aspects and I do not feel love for her anymore although at times I do but most of the time there is no love, in fact there is much anger and hatred and annoyance coming from my end. But she is still very fond of me and even if I do something so terrible to her, she will still love me at the end of the day. I cannot break up with her because I know for a fact that she will kill herself in someway and if not then she will definitely destroy her life and I cannot let that happen because I am still a very sympathetic person although not as much anymore but I still have enough sympathy to not let her die. Our relationship has become very poisonous for the both of us and we cannot manage to break up with each other because we both know what will happen. Another situation in my life that has led me to this state of anguish also involves me trying to save somebody. His name is Oscar and we’ve known each other for 2 years now but only as friends, not close friends until now. When I first heard that he was having suicidal thoughts, it was in May of this year. And before this, I haven’t tried to save/help anyone because I’ve never came across someone who needed help and I didn’t look for it as I did before. So knowing that a friend of mine was going through a difficult time, I couldn’t just let it happen, I had to do something about it especially since I know that my empathy has helped others before. During this time, me and Al were fighting a bit but not as much as we are now. So after I decided to help Oscar, I found out that he has some sort of personality disorder and also memory loss. Although many times, it seems like he is faking it all, but many other times, it feels like it is very real. I still do not know the truth of it all but, now that we are very very close, I’m starting to lean towards it being real. Because of my efforts to save/help him, Al has become very jealous of it and instead of supporting me with saving his life, as I did with her life, she makes my life much more complicating. I have also developed feelings for Oscar during the time of me helping him, but the jealousy that arose in Al began before this. I stopped loving Al about a month ago and I started developing feelings for Oscar about 2 months ago. These feelings were very mild at the start and I did not consider them feelings at all until now. I have told no one of these feelings of mine. My feelings for him are probably a contributor to the hatred I have for Al but I know there are many other contributors to my lost of love for her. It seems like he has the same feelings for me as I do him but he tells me the opposite and I do too. But these feelings have gotten us to the point where I’m practically cheating on Al and I really did not mean for them to go this far. I cannot distance myself from him or ask him to either because I am the only one that understands him and literally the only friend he has and it makes him very depressed when we don’t talk. One of my friends, Jay, who was also Oscar’s friend (is not anymore) has helped me through everything with Oscar and we’ve also spent a lot of time together trying to figure out what exactly is wrong with Oscar and ways we can help him. The problem with Jay is that he confessed his love for me that has lasted for 3 years now and how he cannot figure out a way to get over me. Al has also been very jealous of him as well because she knew that he liked me before, but I convinced her, after a long time, that he does not like me anymore, of course this was before he confessed that he never actually got over me. But I cannot distance myself from him either because he and I are the only ones who know what’s going on with Oscar and I cannot do this by myself and we are also very close and it would hurt him too if I were to distance myself from him. And whenever he sees me and Al together, which is a lot, he becomes very depressed and also gets heart pains because of it. Al also has severe heart problems and I cause most of the pain, Oscar also has heart issues but from what I know, they’re not because of me. It seems like I’m cursed with having my loved ones suffer through heart issues, depression, and suicide like its a metaphor for something. I’ve driven Al and Jay to attempting to kill themselves through all of this (the attempts failed) and my original intention was to save people, but in the end, I somehow became the killer. On top of it all, I have to deal with 2 AP classes and it may not seem like a lot but with everything that’s going on, it’s just too overwhelming and it is too late to drop out or have a change in my classes. It has been so difficult to try to live with all of this at once and it has caused me to lose much sympathy but at the same time, I still have much sympathy and it doesn’t make sense. For example, if the arguments with Al become really bad, I’ll start to lose emotion until I become numb and I start to say very bad things and then after a while, I’ll regain my emotions, this only recently started happening and also whenever Al would get really bad heart pains, I honestly wish they would kill her and I know how bad that sounds and how bad it actually is but I never started thinking like this until after everything started becoming bad. I don’t want to become evil and I can slowly feel myself turning dark. The worst thing that hurts me is the fact that this was all caused by me wanting to help people, like something is telling me that I shouldn’t have been a good person and I was meant to be evil. There have been many many signs and “coincidences” that occur everyday, this has happened my whole life but recently, it’s been going on all the time, and most of them make no sense or have any relation to anything relevant and it’s causing me to go insane. I have noticed a very drastic change in my view on life and the world, I’ve been much more pessimistic, stressed, anxious, tired, depressed, I’ve also been gaining weight without a change in diet and losing motivation for almost everything. I am basically sick due to all of this. And i honestly wish now that I was always selfish just so I could avoid this conflict or anything similar to it. It doesn’t make any sense to me and I have no idea what to do with any of it anymore. Thank you so much for reading and I apologize again for the length of it and for any confusion.

    #117632
    manbuddha
    Participant

    Jaxie,

    I want to know that I hear you and there are people out here who are reading your story and wishing and praying for the best for you. First, I have to commend you for saving lives even in your youth! You have been an angel to them. I have lived longer than you without any such impact on people’s lives! Well done for trying to live a life of love.

    Please please you are not meant to be an evil or selfish person. Please Know that you chose the right path already.
    But perhaps you are too young to be dealing with such complicated relationships? Yes?

    I’m just a bit confused because you finished without a question – are you asking for a solution to this situation or are you just sharing? I will gladly give you my attempt at a solution if you ask.

    #117635
    Jax
    Participant

    Thank you so much manbudda, for your kind words that made me smile and also thank you for taking the time to read my ridiculously long post. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear but I am asking for a solution.

    #117642
    manbuddha
    Participant

    No need to be sorry, Jaxie. Alright consider this:

    I may be wrong, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to start dating the people that you have just helped through depression. Please try not to do that.

    After your help, They need further healing and a lot more help from their families (who are usually the unknowing cause of their depression) and perhaps even professionals. The reason is that they are still just a bit unstable and they will form unhealthy attachments to you. You can see the evidence of this as you said, if you leave Al or Oscar, they will get very depressed and may commit suicide. This is not the type of romantic relationship you want at any age – where you find yourself boxed in, having to stay so that the other person doesn’t do something bad. This is not to say that people post-depression are not good enough for relationships with you, just that they need a lot of time and healing to find their sense of belonging and self worth before engaging in any deep romantic relationships.

    In a weird way, I think I understand your issue with Al quite well. I once did what she did to a best friend when I was quite little (2nd/3rd grade). Another person came in the picture and acted as my best friend and I did not know how to say “No, Stop.” It sounds crazy remembering it now but I do remember it vividly because my original best friend (you in this story) didn’t speak to me for a while. When he finally talked to me about it, I acted like it was a non-issue. He never spoke to me ever again. This is a weird memory for me right now.
    Of course it’s not exactly the same situation but I think it’s possible that Al was just faced with a complicated situation and just did not know how to put her foot down and handle it. When you confronted her, she might have downplayed it, maybe said you were being sensitive, didnt try to understand your feelings at all… We are all imperfect, and you both are very young so she perhaps could not manage your feelings properly.
    That said, she was wrong (as I was wrong), and if you still feel bad about it, bring the topic up in a calm way, try to explain kindly to her that you still feel hurt about that. An apology is deserved. With the time that has passed, I think her reaction might be different.

    So consider staying friends with Al, Oscar and Jay but ending the romantic relationships with them. It seems to be having an effect on you, and if you don’t ease the stress from those relationships, you physical and mental health will suffer a lot. Please let them know that you will still be friends and you still care about them, but not more. Imagine what will happen if Al finds out about you and Oscar, things could go very bad! So stay friends, but not more.
    If you are afraid they will hurt themselves, please do what Should have been done: explain to adult members of their family so they can watch them, and explain to teachers or counsellors at school that these great kids are at risk, so they can be watched.
    You cannot take on the burden of watching over them and trying to act in the way they want to keep them from any bad action all by yourself!
    That makes me worried about you. You are only 16!

    I wish you the best. I’ll be praying for you.
    Whatever you do, please try to use a kind tone. Your friends are all beautiful people with great potential, and will probably amaze you with the transformations that will happen with time and the good things they will go on to do.

    #117648
    anita
    Participant

    Dear jaxie:

    It reads to me like you need help regarding how to help depressed and suicidal young people. On your own, you got trapped in your own efforts and things got complicated. Maybe you can talk to your school counselor or other community agencies about how you can get involved in helping depressed/ suicidal young people. It may be in the context of a group activity after school. It can be in the context of a suicide hotline.

    Basically you can volunteer under the guidelines and supervision of a professional group.

    anita

    #117728
    Jax
    Participant

    Thank you so much manbuddha for your advice. I understand that I need to break off my romantic relationships, but I just cannot figure out a safe and reliable way that will not lead them to harm themselves. Al’s family does not care about her and they abuse her everyday, and I’ve already tried telling Oscar’s family, they seem to not be supportive as well. As for the teachers, I know them all, there is only one of which that actually shows empathy.

    #117729
    Jax
    Participant

    Thank you Anita for your advice, I will talk to my therapist about solutions, but my next appointment isn’t for another month.

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