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I feel ashamed

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  • December 19, 2013 at 5:49 am #47007
    Katie
    Participant

    I will try to keep this brief. Near to my wedding I began having feelings that I guess you can cause cold feet. Through our 7 year relationship we have been through quite a few ups and downs. My now husband is a good person, but has done things that deeply hurt me throughout the relationship. I always eventually forgave him and continued on, and never saw anyone but him. But at the same time as I was having my “cold feet” I began to notice another guy. Basically, we never cheated or even dated, I never even told him outright how I felt about him. We texted, facebooked, flirted. I wanted him to notice me, I loved the attention. I even posted something on Facebook from a blog he usually visits that said something like “Dont miss out on something you will regret later” – I think hoping he would think of me. I wanted him to profess love to me! Having said this, he invited me over to his house one night when he knew my husband was away and I simply changed the subject. I just hate myself for acting the way I did , especially so close to our wedding. I even suggested he come to my work (I work at a pet care centre) – thought he could bring his dog for daycare – and Id get to see him. One day I woke up and thought what the hell am I doing… Im getting married soon! But the feelings of guilt are still plaguing me, to the point where I have been seeking councelling. Another tough stumbling block to me is that after a while I started telling myself if this guy had professed love to me.. maybe I wouldnt have snapped out of it after all. Im worried that I only woke up because he “cooled off”, wasnt giving me what I was looking for as far as feeling wanted and attractive anymore. I want to deserve my fiance. I want to be happy and be at peace and I cant seem to find it.

    December 19, 2013 at 6:44 am #47009
    Matt
    Participant

    Katie,

    I’m sorry for the guilt and shame youre wrestling with, and know how heavy a burden those emotions and thoughts can become. Its ok to set it down. Obviously, its not easy to let go, but when we begin to accept that we’re good people fumbling along, it is easier. Said differently, perhaps your husband was not giving you tender attention, which developed inside you as a hunger. So, you looked for food. Its not a mystery, nor a broken Katie… its just a woman wanting to be shown love. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    There is a wonderful approach to dealing with guilt. Imagine the guilt is like a sticky note, a reminder of what your heart doesn’t enjoy. You love your husband, and feel icky that you flirted with betraying the intimacy with him. So, when you betray, you feel icky. That’s a good thing! Consider that good people feel regret when they do dumb things that might hurt, or does hurt, others. So, now that you know how certain actions feel, you know what not to do. Said differently, as you see how the emotional yearning for another man left an icky stain on your journey, you can easily not do it again.

    That being said, has your husband become more attentive? There are many women who are not well tended by their partner, and end up feeling low and unlovable. Sometimes, the husbands are genuinely neglectful. Often, they are never given an opportunity to address the needs of their partner because they aren’t expressed. Said differently, if you miss him and want to be touched and tended, do you ask him? Do you express your desires? Does he listen? We all make mistakes, Katie, so that other man isn’t really the issue. The issue is whether or not your marriage is bringing you all the magic you deserve. And, if not, what is the road toward that? What is he doing/not doing? What desires are you not telling him? What is he not hearing? Etc.

    Finally, consider that you have the ability and responsibility of finding a path of balance and joy. Its inside you, always pushing and pulling, this way and that… and all of us fail over and over. Intending love, choosing fear. Intending commitment, choosing craving. You’re not alone, dear sister, and there is no purpose, intent or need to consider your actions special or unusual. You became emotionally hungry, and looked in a dumb place. It happens.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    December 19, 2013 at 10:10 am #47016
    Dee
    Participant

    Wow…. this went right up my alley, Katie’s post and Matt’s response really hit home, I was in your shoes not too long ago Katie and even though I never had any physical relationship with the “other” guy, I now know that I had an emotional affair with him because I had strong feelings for him, feelings which I once had for my husband but they went away after many years of no attention and many other things, I am cringing as I am writing this because still I believe I didn’t really deserve much love, but realizing that everyone does. There is a reason, as Matt says, that you are looking elsewhere, there is a reason why I looked elsewhere, I was already “married” and yet fell for the attention of another guy, the sweet talking, he paid me compliments, was kind and most importantly he was there through my very lonely times. I am by no means making any excuses for any of my actions, but there were reasons for it. I made dumb decisions which left me pretty much alone, but I was alone to begin with….

    All I can tell you is to read Matt’s post over and over and ask yourself why it is that you are attracted to this man and perhaps this is something you two should work on addressing before pledging matrimony, what it is that you want disregarding either man in your life/mind/heart. What is it that Katie wants and is not receiving and why?

    “Im worried that I only woke up because he “cooled off”, wasnt giving me what I was looking for as far as feeling wanted and attractive anymore.” I have been in the same boat in regard to feeling this very same way! Do you feel the same about your future husband?

    “I want to deserve my fiance. I want to be happy and be at peace and I cant seem to find it.” He has to deserve you as well and you have to make yourself happy and find peace within you, no one can do that for you, it’s a lesson I am learning right now and I am 49 years old.

    December 19, 2013 at 12:00 pm #47035
    William
    Participant

    Don’t be ashamed, be free.

    December 20, 2013 at 9:48 pm #47260
    B.Bells
    Participant

    I agree with the above post . It doesn’t sound like you cheated to me .
    Enjoy your marriage in the present moment. Be happy you found a good husband . We all have minor or major hang ups about others while we are in relationships , that is just human nature . It’s how you act upon them that makes the difference . Innocent flirting is not a crime . Sexual affairs to me should be a crime .
    Forget about the past . Live in the moment and love your husband 🙂

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